Answering "how is that disrespectful?" every time we give an example does not mean that we haven't provided any examples.

We understand that it can take getting used to the concepts that are used in the forum. You will gain more from using this forum after having read the summary of "love busters" and "policy of joint agreement".

We totally understand how disconcerting this must be to you, but you are the one here on this forum and we can only work with you to start turning this situation around.

It is going to be impossible for you to wrap your mind around how you are being disrespectful when you won't even be honest with yourself, either. You do have an issue with your FIL living with you. I don't believe that there exists a set of objective goals that would make you enthusiastic about him moving in. You seem to be looking for validation rather than good advice. Otherwise, you would easily accept that your statements are disrespectful. You wouldn't be trying out debate arguments on us.

EJ, you aren't going to understand the advice you are given until you read the concepts. Have you?

When posters are talking about ddisrespect, it's not their own personal definition or judgement - it's Dr Harleys. So don't ask the poster to explain the definitions - you can go and read up on those.

Posters here don't give their own personal advice so if that's what you're looking for, you are in the wrong place. Dr Harley won't even counsel couples who don't spend time alone with each other. He considers them to be effectively divorced and withdrawn in all but name. If a poster here were to tell you it's fine to not date each other then those incorrect comments would be removed by a moderator.

From what I can tell your wife has caused a major issue by making a decision you disapprove of. We call that independent behaviour. When you objected she told you you were a bad person. We call that a disrespectful judgement.

In your response to her it is critical you don't make any lovebusters yourself. You are making some because you are desperate, panicked and your life has been hijacked by the person you love. That's why your wife love busted too!

Please read up on the concepts. We can give you marriagebuilders advice, but first we have to know if you are interested in, or in agreement with the concepts. That because we can't post anything else and currently you can't understand the terms used.

I've seen this too. Once time is made for each other, the love returns like magic. However in the meantime, you haven't found each other, and its a loooong time to not be passionately close.

Anything can happen in those dangerous years.

Like your FiL.

Without time to be lovers, you become a duty, a co-parent. So why would she prioritise your thoughts and feelings above another sense of duty - to her own parent?

It's women who need the hours of connection really. Men can be in love without it. Your wife is actually likely to be very responsive to affection (over time) if you start to box clever.

From your description her dad isn't reliable. You are. You can win this. But not if you are the person she feels she needs to fight. How happy does Dad make her by the way?

Indiegirl,

And finally some good advice and post....thank you. The previous posts, whether I read the material on the site or not, are in a tone of attack, whether the poster can agree with that or not is on them. I believe the advice is not to refute another persons feelings correct? So, if I feel attacked, aren't I entitled to have this belief? If your post would have came earlier all would have been good. For those who are saying I am not honest with myself? Well, this is not accurate. If you read VERY carefully to what I am saying is, at a high level, the FIL or ANYONE for that matter, is more than welcome to live with us. I am willing to help anyone who in fact needs help such as a family member. We are foster parents and have years of helping many which does make me happy. This person though must be willing to help themselves such as, make an effort seek out employment and not just sit back and take advantage or, don't things that disrespect the home owner in their own home. So while I have no true issue with him living here, I do not believe this situation warrants the move. I also am not looking for validation, just maybe what others may do in a situation like this but I see now that is not a feasible request and I understand. You ask how happy her father makes her--very much as she is extremely tight with all of her biological family. One thing I believe some on this board do not see from their posts is how their post may be taken by who they are directing it to, but when you are on the receiving end, things are a little different and can cause one to be defensive. I am not trying to debate but explain but debating is not always a bad thing. This is how people learn new things and points of view. I never said anyone on this board is wrong or their beliefs are incorrect. I welcome and enjoy others opinions but mreureka, I would say there in fact would be a set of goals in which would in fact be perfectly fine with me--if in fact they were discussed with me in detail prior. So, again, I thank those of you who offered some good advice.

The posters you mention have turned disastrous situations into happy marriages. Look how many children Markos and Prisca have! Yet they are like teenage lovers. Who had time to coach me when I showed up here. Mr E has won a staggering victory in his own marriage.

This stuff is as natural as breathing to them. I would listen up. If they offend you, listen harder - it means they are hitting your weak points. They've counselled personally with Dr H and successfully applied the concepts.

The person on this thread who hasn't (beside you) is me. It's not as natural to me. I never got the chance to apply my learning here in practice due to my husband's affair. I thought we would 'find one another' in the fantasy future too.

You like my advice because I am closer to your level than the others. But theirs is actually more valuable.

Does FIL have any other family where you live?

What do you girls think about him living there? About the dog pee? Do they see you and W fighting?

Black Raven, youngest girl (6) loves it, older (13) mixed feelings, and about the pee, they honestly are not even aware until the dog pees on their toys, and yes, they see the fighting and please before the comments start coming about them seeing it, I know the answer. It's destructive. But, (I'm sure I'll get hit on this one as well) we have been to a number of family counselors in the past due to a special needs child, and my wife owned up to not being discreet about it and even though she knew it was wrong, she wasn't able to hold it back. The FIL used to have other family near by but now the son lives states away and the other daughter lives states away. The objective for retirement is to travel between kids. I did just learn that, once again without discussion, the plan is to live with each kid for months until he moves to the next one. By the way Black Raven, I like your statement at the end of your post about the wishbone. Care to elaborate?

Indiegirl, I am very curious as to how some can post things they do. Does anyone go back and look at how these post could come across? "If they offend you--listen harder"? What?? And, "same level"? Are you implying you and I are at a lesser "level" than some? You say I am offended because my weak spots are hit. While I understand every person has weak spots, including those here which are presumed to be at a higher level than I, it's not the weak spots that offend me, I just have a weak tolerance to hippocracy. The counselors we have seen in the past have all been pretty good. They have handled their speech professionally and found tactful ways to get their point across without casting stones at either of us. The goal was to learn to validate each others feelings and opinions and learn that neither of these were "wrong or right". My point is this, if posters are saying my approach or feelings about this is/are wrong, isn't this hippo-critical in that my opinion/feelings are in fact--wrong? I am not looking for validation as some may think, the original and only goal was to find out if any other person has ever been faced with the same situation and if so, how did they handle it? I would then take this and learn from it but somehow this turned into a debate session and about 4 pages of posts too long.

The program here in the Marriage Builders basic concepts can help the two of you learn to not fight. Even if it's hidden from the children, fighting takes a terrible toll on a relationship. (Still takes a toll on the children as well.)

My wife and I also saw several counselors without learning how to stop fighting. Unfortunately most counselors don't seem to know very much about saving marriages.


EJH, all I know to tell you is, the people who show up here and are more concerned with straightening everybody else out than they are about learning to have a good marriage - don't make it. Frankly, EJH, you are the least qualified person on this thread to be telling people how to advise others.

A great poster on this site once gave us all a great saying: "Take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth." I strongly encourage you to take her advice.

EJH, I encourage you to take advantage of the FREE professional advice that Dr. Harley offers DAILY on his free radio show. It's like having a professional marriage class every week day taught by one of the world's most successful marriage counselors.

The radio show repeats round the clock every hour until the next day's show, so you can catch it any time. There's an app you can install to listen to it on your phone, or you can listen on your computer.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html

There was a show today, and there should be one tomorrow. That's two free hours of help.

Telling you that you have a problem with disrespectful judgements is not, by any stretch of the imagination, casting stones.

Have you read the Basic Concepts yet?

EJH, there's a big beam in your eye. Would you like some help taking it out before you go to work on the stuff in your wife's eye?

If you want to continue to debate strangers on the internet that's fine, but I doubt it's going to help your marital conflict.

Yes, sounds good, thank you

I am not really sure what the "beam in your eye" is so can you elaborate?

That's putting a few words in my mouth. I said the counselor was not casting stones not you. If a counselor tells a patient they should or should not do something that they in fact do themselves, that is casting stones. I did not however say, a poster stating I somehow have disrespectful judgments is casting stones. Lets keep in context. I do not disagree in any way there are things I need to work on. I absolutely agree with that. It may sound strange, but I love to be proven wrong, why, because I learn from it. I thrive on challenging myself as well as others to think critically and while some may see this as a bad thing as well well as argumentative, it isn't meant to be so. It is a good thing for one to think for themselves, solve their own problems but at the same time, learn from others experiences which is why I wanted someone else's experience with the SAME scenario to respond. But, I have had nothing but numerous posts doing nothing but pointing out how I am wrong. Someone just saying, "hey, I had that happen to me and this is what I did to resolve it" would have been great. I could then use this to learn from it. That's not bad--right?

How's that working for you, EJH? Is it getting your problem with your wife taken care of?

How has critical thinking and thinking for my self gone for me? Good actually. How is letting others think for you (not you specifically but anyone) and becoming a shell of oneself been for anyone? Kind of sounds like a cult right? What I find interesting is, I see you have been married 10 years? I haven't been married just one or two, but 17 1/2 and together for more than 20 so, not too shabby and quite honestly a good 20. Yes we have our differences and arguments but anyone who thinks a marriage is all without turmoil is kidding themselves and if that were the case, this board would more than likely not exist. Adversity makes one stronger right?

The Marriage Builders program teaches you how to not fight. It worked for us. We used to have 3-7 fights per week.

*shrug*

If you're not here for the program, what are you here for? This board doesn't do anything else.

Nobody wants you to be wrong. Dr. Harley teaches Win-Win. I hope you aren't debating ANYTHING with your wife. Having my husband debate with me puts me on edge! Yes, I can hold my own in a debate, but for marital decisions, there is no right or wrong. There are preferences and perspectives. Debating a point is highly disrespectful. Feelings are not wrong. You can't comfort someone or care for them with logic.

If you stick around here and stop judging those who were trying to help you, you might just end up with a solution to this problem of your wife having different preferences.

The people here can help you learn to discuss this with your wife in a caring way. But an emotionally neglected (no undivided attention or dates) would definitely "need" her father's attention at whatever cost. Even if she has to get new carpet or furniture.

Was she ever ENTHUSIASTIC about the no eating on the couch etc. Rule? Or did she just go along with it?