Please ask her to post her own thread.

Did she reply to Dr. Harley? She was on the email also and she cod ask him questions. She has direct contact with Dr. Harley and should take advantage of that.

Yes, she replied to Dr Harley and he just replied to her email:
"It isn�t about the slapping incident. It�s more about whether or not W would like some relief from [son] who can be quite difficult at times. I�m working with a similar couple where more help from the husband has helped the wife immeasurably."

You need to make a decision here. Either you post here asking for advice, in which case you are going to get it, or you stop because it upsets your wife. What you can't expect to do is post here in obvious distress about your wife hitting your son, and not expect anyone to pick up on that distress and give you advice as they see fit.

I would simply refuse to have conversations with her about the board, MtnMan. Post for help and advice, but don't talk to her about it. There's no value in doing so. Change the subject.

She can post herself on her own thread and set us all straight if she wants to.

I do see value in taking your son to live with you. It would take a lot of pressure off of her during a very stressful time in your lives. It could very well make lovebank deposits -- when markos and I were separated, he would take the kids with him sometimes and it DID make lovebank deposits for me.

This doesn't make any sense. You emailed him. You INVITED his attention. Why are you surprised that you got it?

Good that she emailed him. Does she see that Dr. Harley wants to help her?

Will she post her own thread?

I am only surprised that he would see something on the Forum and then email me directly about it. I guess that's a good thing!

Thanks for the input on taking the kids sometimes and how it worked for you and Markos.

I think she knows Dr Harley wants to help but I can't answer questions for her. I will also not try to control her and recommend that she post on her own thread. Per Dr Harley, that would be disrespectful.

No worries, she's reading this thread and she knows WE said she could post on her own thread.

Her thread has been bumped if she chooses to engage.

And, it was not done by you, so it should not create a potential resentment.

LTL

I just read her post and clearly this is not working out. What a sad state of affairs!

The mere fact that she says I do nothing is enough for me to be done. Then, she also says that I'm boring, neglectful on dates, among many other disrespectful things.

I don't think I can do this anymore, sadly.

Her post reads that YOU were bored, not that you were boring.

Why would you give up when you have the opportunity to develop the skills and habits needed to sustain a great marriage? Yes, the habits take effort to start and changing bad habits into good ones is challenging but it can be done. Your wife sounds quite hopeless about your efforts to change.

Do you mean to say that you simply can't find it in yourself to have a nice conversation with your wife? To show her that you care?

A divorce is easy to get.

BUT, if you want to save this, we can help you do that.

One thing you need to do is stay away from her when she is fighting. It is very discouraging to you.

Also, don't even read her thread. We often tell people not to post on their spouse's threads, but I think you should go a step further and not read hers. It's discouraging to you.

There is no reason you can't turn this around. Men have pulled their marriages up from worse pits. There's no guarantee she'll respond, but you've got a chance and we can help you.

Also, see your doctor about antidepressants.

Yes, I am very discouraged and not sure I believe this is salvageable. It is a whole bunch of mud slinging, lies and downright nastiness (on both sides). I'm guilty of many things and I have apologized profusely for the things I have done wrong but it looks like she may never recover from past transgressions. She can't even admit that I have gotten help for my anger and improved. Well, I know that I have and I'm confident that I HAVE been working on things to improve myself.

Sadly, she has said many of those things to my face, so I know she believes it. I know I'm supposed to ignore her disrespect and anger (and posts), but its like watching the train wreck of my life right in front of me - I have read her post about 5 times over the past hour and it's shocking.

Are you saying that her post is more or less a lie?

Take the example of your dates. Was her description of your behaviour - no hand-holding, your walking on the opposite pavement - accurate?

Was this accurate? If not, what really happened: "During the gaslighting he was speaking to me in this whisper-soft sing-song voice like I was a mental patient, and every time I'd come into the room he would say "you are sick, please get help" or "I wish I could help you, but you have to want to help yourself" etc. etc. I cannot even make this stuff up. I just went left the room. It was insane. (He will tell you he was just calm and controlling himself, but wow, no, that's not it AT ALL. He was talking in a weird whisper soft voice like I was crazy, and it went onandonandonandon) And once that stopped then the texts continued."?

Have you given her six days of silent treatment?

Do you launch into arguments and tell her she is the problem when she complains about being ignored or neglected?

Is this true: "he has told me he's a really good guy who any "normal" woman would love to be married to, and that if he had married a different woman who wasn't so "needy" he'd have a great marriage. "?

What parts of her post are out-and-out lies?

It is. Very much so.

Concentrate on your side. Can you stop the mud slinging?

Apologies are just words. She needs action, over an extended period of time.

So? Don't expect her to praise you for stopping abuse.

And, have you just improved or have you eliminated the AOs?
There's a difference.


STOP READING HER POSTS.

You need to stop being so shocked by what she feels.
You have quite a bit of work to do on disrespectful judgements.

I will respond later tonight. I have the kids and I'm on the way to music class, getting dinner and then heading back to my apt. I am not ignoring the posts here.

I know what she is trying to say. I didn't walk on the opposite side of the pavement, but I remember she pointed out on the date that I was walking one step ahead of her and not close to her. Regarding the hand holding, no I did not hold her hand on this date. However, I did put my hand on her back a few times to show her affection. The problem on this date and other times (even at home) is that she has asked me to stop touching because I am groping her (not showing affection). She also says she wants words of affection and not groping. Because of that, I do take it a little extreme and not touch her at all. As I look back on it, it was a passive aggressive attempt by me to "show her" that I'm not a groper.


I was not whispering but rather talking in a calm normal voice. The whisper voice claim does bother me because she is interpretting my talking in a calm, normal voice as condescending. Unfortunately, she is probably so used to me raising my voice that it is weird when I don't.

I did tell her several times that I was worried by her anger and I thought she should get help and maybe get on anti-depressants (in person and on text). Based on Dr Harley's feedback on the situation, I now know that this was disrespectful to try to straighten her out. I regret trying to straighten her out and wish I would have just confronted the issue - her slapping our son and the text messages she sent to me earlier in the day. Instead of confronting and resolving the issue, I screwed up the confrontation with disrespect.


In October, I did give her the silent treatment for several days. I wasn't completely silent (ie. not saying anything to her) but I kept it to business only - conversation about the kids, work, etc. We had no intimate conversation or anything close to it for that matter. I chose to do this because she asked me to keep it to business only so that's what I did. Looking back, I should not have done it but I was worried that it would be disrespectful to her if I tried to open conversation with her because she asked me not to. Again, looking back on it, I think it was passive aggressive for me to take her words at face value and show her what's our relatinoship is like as "business only".


I have done this many times during our marriage, but I do not feel like I have done it within the past 1-2 months. My last true angry outburst was on Nov-14 and since then, I know I have not launched into arguments or told her she is the problem when she complains.


Yes, I said this during our marriage, but I have not said it recently. I can't remember the last time I said it but I'm pretty sure it was a long time ago. I know I have not said it since our separation in late September.


I think it would be a bad choice and disrespectful to my W to pick apart her message.