That was my reaction when she asked, before she filed for D. I wasn't sure if I should suggest it to others. Thanks for clearing that up.

Plan A means you stop debating her. Stop telling her why it's okay for you to do what you are doing that bothers her.

I have been looking at this whole thing from my perspective. Even when I try to see her perspective, I was still looking through my own thoughts and my own mind.

I was talking to my mother today, and I had a moment where I realized something horrible. I did not just loose my wife, I lost my best friend. But then I noticed something about that. "I" lost "my" friend. Then I asked myself, who was I to her; queue the epiphany.

I have argued with myself saying that I have always been there for her, that I was her husband, that she was my wife, and this was my family. Then I realized these are all "I"'s and "my"'s.

I did not behave or act as her friend. I was a man she lived with who called himself her husband, nothing more. I always told her she was my home; but I did not give her any reasons to call me her home. I did not give her a place to put her heart.

By realizing this, I think I know now more of why she is so mad and hostile toward me. Why she saw and clammed up. She saw the man she wanted all those years and all she sees in me is disappointment. "How can I be happy with him? I am not home with him. Why now after all this tie does he figure it out when I decided no more".

I did not give her ... a friend, a home.

That's really good stuff Billman.

I feel much the same way about my marriage. I failed to truly see my wife's perspective. I could never get myself out of the way.

I had a similar epiphany while reading Love Busters the other night. Have you read it?

I am still reading it, i'm on the third read now. I never thought I would see my self as much the bad guy as I do now. I only wish that this affair was not in the way of reconciliation. I see my self so much clearer now.

Some of my hope died tho. Why in the world would she want to be with me again, after I put her through so much. I mean I thought I understood what to be sorry for, but not even being a friend - for years. I can forgive me in time, but how could she - and then still give another chance . . . what could possible motivate her to do that.

It's fantastic, billman12, that you now recognize this. It means you are making progress becoming a man she would want to be with. You had to go through this (the understanding) as part of the process of becoming a better person.

It's as Dr. Harley says, the more you understand your spouse's feelings and interests, the more you understand and appreciate why your spouse thinks and behaves the way he or she does... and you'll be less likely to be disrespectful in your efforts to change behavior and attitudes. You have no chance to persuade her to do anything if you don't understand and respect her perspective.

She became your friend once and fell in love with you once already. What she needs you've already provided that to her before, and she knows it. She needs to see that you are changing those things that destroyed that love, and I see it in this realization and the work you're putting into your love busters. The only way she'll see it, is if you actually change. Keep up the good work.

Don't lose hope when you are making the progress you absolutely must make. She may not eventually decide to reconcile, but these changes are good for you (and any future relationship partner you might have), no matter what, and she'll definitely not reconcile without those changes. I know it hurts, that it's hard to sometimes not lose hope, that it's sometimes difficult to find the motivation, and that patience is difficult in times like these (I sure have to keep reminding myself these things every day).

Yeah, I had the same a few weeks ago going through the DJ chapter. I (and probably we all) were so certain we were right in things, that we knew what was best, and trampled and disrespected our wives' opinions and feelings.

Like I said a few days ago in some thread, respect is really the key to this whole thing. With it, we understand and know our spouses feelings and opinions. Understanding those, we understand what will hurt them and because we love them we don't want to do those things. Understanding our spouses feelings and opinions makes known to use what they need and loving them makes us want to meet those needs. Then we add in a focus on finding solutions for ourself, and only implementing those solutions, that meet those needs that we are also pleased with and we're there. The rest of MB is tools to help us maintain focus and accountability (i.e. all the worksheets, like the UA worksheet).

I asked my wife this morning how ahe felt and if she was mad, via text:

Her: Nope I'm not I'm done being angry I'm going to be there for my child the best way I can, I'm not running from my emotions I have made the choice to not be with you and I am ok with that I also recognize the mistakes we have both made I choose to be better for my kids and that does not mean with you....so go ahead say I'm breaking up our family ok I ultimately have chosen that, I do not want to be with you I have moved on from you
I'm not living in the past anymore I'm moving forward
You are the father of my children that is all you are to me and that is all you have been to me for a long time, I am grateful to you for giving me three of the best gifts I could have ever gotten thank you
I wish you the best as well I hope that you find peace in your heart and that God can help you along the road

Me: I am sorry that your thank you for your best gifts is a goodbye.

Have you had any response from her employers about the registered letters you sent them?

I have heard extremely similar statements from my WW. Don't let her foggy words discourage you. The way I see it, at least with my WW, is that every time her conscience starts to eat at her she responds with some dramatic statement to me about how she has moved on. It's almost like she is trying to convince herself more than me.

No I have had no response to the letters at all.

I was thinking almost entirely the same thing. I have no regard for the fact that as of now I am sure this is how she feels. Once this affair ends, I am sure her brain will give her different thoughts.

If they were sent via registered mail you should be able to verify that they were delivered and who signed for them. You should be able to get a copy of that information, I think. I don't know if it will ever be helpful to have this info documented but I would document everything possible.

So how are you going to follow this up?

I stupidly did not send them registered mail. As soon as you asked I realized I went to the post office and handed them to the clerk, and left. I have reprinted the and first thing in the AM tomorrow I am sending them registered mail.

I believe I let my anxiousness get the best of me the day I mailed them and it slipped my mind.

Send then Certified Mail, Return Receipt Requested.

That way, you will have the persons name who signed for it. It is even better to list Attention To: Mr. So and So etc...

LTL

You can also add "Restricted Delivery" to certified mail. That will mean that only the person it is addressed to can sign for it. The mail man is supposed to ask for their ID. Might be more than you need but it is an option.

I believe I need to start plan B. I don't feel I have another option.

The town I live in has no jobs. I do not make enough at the job I have to survive. I am considering taking a trip back to NY with my family and earning some better money there (temporary intentions).

She is hostile, and continues to talk to me in anger and rage, no matter how nice I try to be. It is tearing me apart.

The only person I could use as an IM is my sister, the instructions state no close family members, but I have no doubt my sister would be neutral.

I cannot reason with her, everything I say is a lie, everything I say is wrong (texting, haven't spoken to her in nearly 3 weeks). And I fight tears every time even though I know it's crap what she says, and I have to fight not coming back angry.

I have to find myself and I cannot do it living where I am, Sadly that means I need to get away and figure out who I am. I need whatever advice and guidance I can get please.

Have you been to a doctor to get antidepressants? A general practitioner can prescribe them.

No I have not. I do not have a doctor. I am not depressed to the point I cannot live. When said I cannot survive or who I am, I mean that I have no goals or dreams beyond my wife and family. I have to find who I am without her. I am not suicidal or unable to function in any way that would require meds or therapy.... Yet lol.