Hi everyone!
You amazing MB'rs have been so helpful to me in my attempts of 'surviving an affair' and getting through all the WH nonsense. I will forever be grateful.

Unfortunately, I was not able to save our marriage and WH is in a deep "loving" relationship with OW and we are in the middle of a divorce.

I have a couple of basic logistic questions about being as "MB" as possible and maintaining Plan B moving forward.

- My main question is about important children events:
If we end up settling on "every other weekend" for visitation, does that mean that if an important event (an award or ceremony) falls on HIS weekend, I shouldn't go? And vice versa?

Also:
- I am DREADING OW becoming their "step-mom" if it happens.... the thought of her braiding my daughters hair or putting them to bed makes me want to vomit. But I can't truly prevent it...... Any advice or things I CAN prevent?

- My WH is being really, really nasty and texting my father with lies about me and my "past" which are horrendous and untrue. I think he is doing it because he is assuming that I too am badmouthing him but I'm not. I aIso believe he thinks that I'm going to try to "keep the kids from him" and really fight in this divorce. I am not- I want to settle, but with Lawyers of course. He is equating us "wasting money" doing this through lawyers instead of mediating on our own with us being enemies and me trying to punish him. I was considering writing a very short email (through IM) Just letting him know that I have no intention of 'fighting him' or keeping kids from him, I am not trying to "get him back" and that I am absolutely not badmouthing him to anyone. Would you not recommend this?

Thank you so much!

As a general rule, in Plan B you should have no contact with the husband.
So in sporting events you should just not go if he will be there.

As for writing him a letter through the IM, you should not send it. You should also ask your father to relay his messages to you. INsist that your father block his number or does not talk to you about WH again.

As for the slander, you could pass that on to your attorney. (I'm actually being slandered by my ex wife now!)

Oh, lets talk about the OW a little:

Is there anything in her background that could prevent custody?
Have you ordered a criminal background check on her?

Here's a good thread about this very question.
Important/Special Events While in Plan B

Thanks for this JediKnight- Just did a general background check- haven't dug deeper. But will do now!

This thread is fantastic BrainHurts- thank you!

Oops- needing to clarify- my father IS the IM. And he actually didn't relay the messages. Because I am in the process of "Discovery" with my lawyers (which includes passing on any documentation that could make him look bad) I asked my father/IM to show me all the texts he's received from my WH. I found some horrible ones, and took photos of them to pass on to my attorney- which is how I know he is saying these untrue, awful things about me.

Do not send a message about anything except facts about
visitation and or financial issues.
(WH is creating drama to keep you in the loop. Dad must know this!)

Let your attorney do all the actual important divorce communication for you.

Once you have been in a strict Plan B for a good long while and once you are divorced, you can choose whether to keep in Plan B or not in the future. You, meanwhile have a lot of healing to do.

The day will come when you will realize OW isn't worth thinking about. It is far into your future, after healing from betrayal. Plan B will help you get there.

You can only
1. protect your finances
2. protect your sanity (Plan B will get you to this)
3. move forward into your future without letting the affair define your life


Time, lots of it, and Plan B will help

Children's events......you choose what is important to go to and while in Plan B do not interact with WH at those very important events you deem unavoidable. If he attempts to engage in conversation with you or sit with you you say "I would appreciate that you do not sit near me." or " I would appreciate if you would not converse with me." Nicely. Without further comments. Plan A in the Plan B. Nothing to hold against you. No fueling any fire.

I wouldn't bother sending WH an email via IM. He's not going to care what you say and assume the worst about you...that is typical too. Keep ALL of WH's texts, emails, etc...even after your divorce is final. Keep them!!

As for kiddo events...it depends on what you can and can't handle. Plan B with hopes of R is a little different than Plan B/D together IMO but it still comes down to how your stbx affects you and what you can handle. My ex has attended a handful of my children's events when he is town (which is rare) but I still attend. I don't care if he is there...we do not sit together or speak to one another...nor do I have to remind him to leave me alone lol. I am not going to miss my child's event because my ex will be there...but it also does not upset me for him to be there.

The purpose of Plan B is to protect the emotional health of the BS regardless of whether one is divorced or just separated. It is not intended to facilitate a reconciliation. When you see or speak to your WS at any kids event, it puts you right back into emotional hell and causes emotional distress.

If you are in Plan B you need to avoid those situations. If you don't need to be in Plan B, then don't stay in Plan B. But if you do, then do it right and don't break Plan B.

What she said

How are you things going, SFL? How are you and the children?

Hi everyone! It's been a long time. Ohhhh I wish I were still in Plan B.
I seriously think California is another planet when I read many of the other posts. They do not support Plan B in any way and use the word Co-Parent like it was going out of style.
It is almost always mandated by the courts to use a site called "our family wizard" to communicate and I was encouraged to update my WH weekly with photos of the kids, etc.

It is also a state that currently supports 50/50 in every single case unless there is 1) Physical abuse, 2) Drug abuse by the parent.

If it weren't for my DD being just 22 months (my DS is almost 7), my lawyer pretty much said it would be 50/50 now.

Even after it became known that my WH's girlfriend (sorry it's been so long I forget the lingo) is a recently relapsed Heroin addict, the judge denied our request for her to never be introduced to the children. (My only proof was "hearsay" because it was it was my word against his- even if her own mother called me). Thankfully, there was a short moment where WH was going to break up with OW (now the lingo is coming back to me), and I got it in writing that she did indeed recently relapse, and has just been clean for 4 months.
He's back together with her, moved back to California and she is living with him. For now, we have an agreement that he won't introduce the kids to her until she's been "clean for a year," so August 2015. I hope they don't make it that long but who knows....

My kids have been with me 6 out of 7 days (with WH just having them friday 4:30 to Saturday 4:30) 6 months now. And for a year before that he worked out of state Monday through Thursday. When he was home Saturday and Sunday he was either sleeping, or on the phone. Now all of a sudden he is asking for a bunch of time with the kids and I know it's more to 'take' them from me than him really wanting to be with him. The schedule will be moving to him having them every other full weekend (friday 4:30 to Sunday 4:30 and alternating Friday 4:30 to Saturday 4:30. I know he's going to ask for a midweek dinner on top of that... It's so frustrating because the kids and I are so happy the way things are now.
Anyway... No real question- just wanted to update you. I am extremely happy emotionally (Due largely in part to having Plan B as long as I had it) except when I think about the upcoming schedule change and less time with my children.

Are you divorced?

Can you use an IM and have them do the updates to the website? We call it a secret IM. Your IM has access to your email and sends the responses to your WH and so he thinks they're coming from you. If your IM needs to actually communicate or ask you a question they still "spam" out all the "stuff" you don't need to hear and relay the message back from you to him.

It's worth your protection.

How old are your children? Look, he may do the "good daddy" bit for a short time and then get fed up with all the responsibility. Perhaps, through an IM, give him tons of things he must do with the kids such as scheduled classes, play dates, homework, etc....get the point?

Hi SFL

Don't give up the good fight...play the game and be smart about it. This agreement you have that the children can not be introduced to OW for a yr...is this is writing and part of your divorce case?

I am not familiar with Our Family Wizard but having communications through it may be beneficial to you since it will document any time WH drops the ball or gets nasty with you. Being encouraged to post photos...well that isn't an order so I would ignore that sort of "encouragement" but I would not say you aren't doing it because there isn't an order...say nothing.

Thank you everyone!

DD is almost 2 (January 29) and DS is almost 7 (January 23)

He is so obviously pretending that the kids are his priority when his OW is.
Before he decided to bring OW with him to move in, he was on board with keeping the kids schedules consistent when extending the amount of time he has with them. We tentatively agreed to every other full weekend and alternating friday overnights instead of disrupting the weekly flow we have had for so long without him. Now he is saying he wants more weekday visits instead of the full weekends, which is just so inconvenient (I am still using an IM for pick up and drop off with his current friday 4:30 to Saturday 4:30 schedule). Getting an IM to come several times a week twice each visit (i.e. if he wants tues and thurs dinners 4:30 to 6:30, then friday 4:30 to Saturday 4:30)

wenang- I completely get it! hopefully that happens... he already felt the need to have his sister at almost every single dinner when the only time he had with them was friday dinner and saturday day. But his sister has moved so... hopefully he doesn't have any other 'help' until the looming August date.

black raven- My lawyer says that updating him with photos weekly, informing him of special school events, etc. is really good because it makes me look like I am trying to keep him in the loop and not trying to be a "gatekeeper" with regards to his involvement with them.

You aren't being the "gatekeeper" though. Any parent who can't be bothered to find out about their child's school events is lazy. Schools have online calendars and will email notifications to parents about special events. Seems like your lawyer wants you to be WH's mother too. If he's going to be getting more time with the children then why does he need photos too? Is he going to forget what they look like? If you wanted to send him a picture, fine but this is only going to make your WH more lazy and dependent on you.

Can you simply stick a link to the school calendar on this Wizard site? Or have IM email him the link? Even that is going above and beyond but it at least shows you tried to keep him in the loop.

Do you have a hearing date yet? When do you expect the divorce to be final?

My son likes taking pictures of his cat and video game screens.

You could post photos that your children have taken of household items, or bushes or the sky.

After all, then you would be sharing that your children see through their very own eyes.

Your lawyer is a [censored] about this one.

As said, online school calendar and even homework assignments and grades, IF he chooses to look. Have thh IM send him a link.

LTL

Your lawyer is more concerned about looking good than representing YOU. It is the rare lawyer who can't protect a BS in Plan B, all it takes is YOU telling him what you need. That is not a California problem, but a lazy lawyer problem. Many people over the years have gone into Plan B while in the process of a divorce. The lawyer works for you so it is critical that you tell your lawyer what you want and need.

Lawyers want to take the path of least resistance to make their job easy. After all, it is not his ox getting gored in the process.

The concept of Parallel Parenting came from San Diego, by the way, and could have just as easily been used.