Is your WW still in contact with OM?
The SAA book doesn't give much hope or sanity anytime soon. When she comes out of the fog, she then gets withdrawls and still hates me. Great!

Its not about her lack of effort to save the marriage per se, its her whole attitude towards me, the kids, our family, our past that gets me down. Fine, hate me, but to give no time to our kids at Christmas is beyond disgusting

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I bought that second book about love busters, seems to just go over what was in the SAA book. Im only one third through though. I havent read last half of SAA yet since she is still in contact with OM. When that goes, I will read it. Its about an evenings read I think

Bewildered,

From what I know, this is a tough road for men because they are In Plan A for a long time in the face of such extreme abuse. Hold on if you can and you think its worth it. after awhile you'll understand what she is doing and be able to detach enough to see it objectively.

I went through the same thing. I could not comprehend at all how my WH was treating me after we had had a pretty darn good marriage--not perfect, but I never had any indication he had fallen out of love (until about a month before d-day).

When I was still in contact with him, I would know the status of his relationship with the OW just by the way he treated me. When it was bad between them, he treated me better than when it was good.

With that logic, she was civil to me today when i was seeing kids this morning, I wonder if my messages last night did some damage!

On the other hand, she went to see him and his parents today so bleh. It just annoys me she doesnt even find time for the KIDS. They are the most important thing.

I had no idea she had fallen out of love either. Totally blindsided me. I thought our marriage was great. Having now read SAA and related so much to greg, jon and sue story, I see I may have neglected a bit. I also got a new job this year, doubling my salary but working from home and LOADS more work. Maybe I let slip a few things :-/

Still no excuse to start treating me like [censored] out of the blue though. One day we are great, then dday comes, next day shes just horrible!

Yep--same here. The only difference is that I am a woman. I did Plan A for FOUR months and it nearly killed me. I had a seizure and lost my job. I should not have done that, but I had no clue what I was doing (I was just trying to be nice to my husband because I was so confused). When a man cheats, Plan A isn't that effective because they just cake eat as much as possible. I even let him sleep with me (what the hell was I thinking?!??!!!). When I found MB, I went into Plan B right away and it saved me (but again, you shouldn't do this for now if possible).

He used to be great with our kid and is now not that interested. I actually just moved 500 miles away from him and...meh, he talked like he was going to make a huge deal out of it because I took my kid, but he won't do anything about it. All he cares about is staying with his sociopathic other woman. The script is the same for all waywards

Are there really success stories, doesn't sound likes yours was a success

SAA I suppose wouldnt have been written if it never worked. I will keep being nice and holding myself back when I feel terrible. Just sucks I rattle about this house all lonely and depressed while she is out getting affair passion and just hating on me. Seems backward.

Sticking to it for now though. Only one month post D-Day. Not sure how often to reminder her i want to rebuild a better marriage before saying that starts making LB withdrawls!

Anytime she brings up OM or separation is a good time to tell her that you are willing to work with her to create a loving marriage.

Your right to be wary about over-doing it.

There are success stories. Some of them still post on the forum. You will likely hear from more experienced vets after the holidays.

I felt the same about my WW, which was 10 months before I discovered it.

One month prior to her starting her 1st affair, for Sweetest Day she had written in a card.....

"I Couldn't Have Asked, Dreamed Or Prayed For More Than I Have In My Life Today. We Have The Most Beautiful Home In A Perfect Neighborhood To Raise A Family. I Have The Most Adorable Little Boy In The World And I Have My Hubby Who Absolutely Adores Me. I Thank God Every Day For Putting LTL In My Life."

Then, her Mom got sick and unexpectledly passed away and instead of confiding in me, she directly reached out to an old boyfriend from 15 years prior. That was the 1st of 4 affairs that I know of with different people.

I sensed a disconnect each morning when I kissed her goodbye and told her, I Love You, and I blandly got the response back of, I Love You Too. I attributed it to depression about her Mom passing away and I couldn't find out what I could do for her.

Oh, the formerly really good Mom is now on Day # 697 since she has even spoken to our son. Not a card, a gift of clothes or even a simple phone call. Nothing.

That's how much affairs change people.

They are NOT the same people we once knew and loved.

LTL

we are already separated, she moved out last Tuesday into a rented place. I stupidly agreed a 3/4 day split of custody with kids. I was desparate for headspace as she kept going out to OM and often staying overnight. It drove me mad. SHe is unlikely to talk abotu separation.

Whenever she speaks of OM though, I will keep that in mind.


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wow LTL, thats a depressing tale. The wife I knew may be changed forever then

That's because I dint know about this program and didn't expose. If I had nipped it in the bud, who knows what would have happened, but it couldn't be any worse than what did happen.

I tried my version of Plan A for the next 2 1/2 years before she finally moved out with no notice. I still tried a distant Plan A for the next 1 1/2 years, but gave up totally 1 1/2 years ago and life has gotten much better for me and my S-11.

LTL

5 1/2 years is hardcore dedication. I don't think I have that staying power. Geeze, I reckon if not on the right track after <1 year I would be moving on and getting as much custody of the kids as a lawyer could wangle.

wow, 5 1/2 years. You must've been a wreck!

Bewildered,
You're going through hell and your wife is the one punching the ticket. Yet Plan A advises no DJ'S and no AO's. It's completely counterintuitive and extremely difficult to pull off.

Your separation helps you, and it's good she left not you. When I was in your shoes I told my wife she either ends her affair or she moves out. She moved out and I did my Plan A from a distance. It was a very long year-and-a-half, but I got closer to my children, learned to take care of business around the house, and I grew from the situation. Many who post here have grown and do not regret fighting the fight for the marriage.

When my wife's affair crumbled, she felt that I was the best option for her. The fog snapped, and she remembered how good our relationship was in the past. I credit MB for that. During Plan A I showed her that I loved her and cared in spite of all the hurts. But during that time I had also held my ground and set limits, which she respected. When we reconciled--again, 18 months later--one of my conditions was that she do what Dr. Harley calls "just compensation." During our recovery she exhibited remorse, and she promised to take the extraordinary precautions that would make both of us safe. This was something I did not think possible. I thought that I had lost her forever, and I felt that my anger and resentment over what she had done would never go away. It just didn't seem possible. But it is possible.

Speaking of fighting the fight, have you confronted the other man? I would meet him at his workplace TOMORROW and let him know in no uncertain terms that you are fighting for you marriage and he needs to back off.

I'm sorry you're going through this, brother.

I agree that you should confront OM if you can.

OMs all seem to be weasels. My WW's OM wouldn't even answer my calls and she told me that he was scared of me. Even OM's wife has told me that he is scared of me. I have no history of violence and I never make threats. He is a spineless turd and I think they all are. Lucky for him I can't just walk on to his Air Force base. I wouldn't do anything violent but I'm pretty sure he'd sh*t his pants anyway.

BTW, I don't know if my WW still contacts OM. He has been given a direct order to not contact her but I believe they are communicating through WW's affair enabling friend(EF).

Dday was only in October. I followed it up with as much exposure as possible and have been carrying out plan A despite the awful things WW has done to me. She filed a bogus restraining order that got me kicked out of the house and separated from my son for over a week. She has tried to get me arrested on several occasions by acting scared of me and calling the police. She has told everyone that will listen that I am crazy and I was stalking her(stalking my own wife, WTF). She has convinced my step-son that he should never want to talk to me again, after I raised him for half of his life.

It can get pretty ugly, I don't think your doing too bad. If you can avoid love busters and pressure the affair to crumble, I think your odds are pretty good.

Have you read "The carrot and stick of plan A" in the "Start Here First" thread. It has good advice about how to plan A. I might have suggested that already.

That is just an awesome post. Thank you and merry Christmas.

Eh, I'm a woman, so it remains to be seen if it is a success or not. We are not supposed to Plan A for very long. Men will just take advantage. The only real way to get a man to come back is to leave him. Not that I want him now, anyway.

Did you listen to the clips in here and the other thread I posted to you "Don't Put up with Other Man" Dr. Harley.

This is exactly the reason Dr. Harley recommends Plan A for only 2-3 weeks for BW, due to health reasons and BH to Plan A 6 months-2 years or if the BHs mental state or health is effected then go to Plan B, but to Plan A for at least 6 months.

Can you Plan A for at least 6 months?

Have you seen your Dr for an antidepressant? At least short term to get you through? An antidepressant can help you regulate your emotions. Its not that you want to numb yourself totally or long term but it can help you go the distance.


Its hard to detach and appreciate your wife in this foggy condition and stand up for the marriage alone. And its hard to not be able to lean on your spouse, your dear wife in a time of need as she is now an alien totally against you and even condemning you. This is kind of make-believe or magical thinking from your wife's perspective. If you can stand down and present a clear view while she is foggy, you will both be in the best position to make a go of a recovery. You need to take the long view and help your marriage if you can muster it!

For now, come here and get support. Sure its sad your wife skipped out on Christmas with you and her children. Think of this Christmas as a special kind of calling to believe.

Anti-depressants can help you. They don't numb you to what's going on, they help you control your emotions. I have been using them for about a month and a half. They have helped me to avoid Love Busters and be hopeful about the future.

It's worth giving a good amount of consideration to.

I'm avoiding anti depressants for now,I don't even like taking paracetamol! If it gets desperate I will though.

I will do my best to ride this out, although it does feel that all is lost, I'm hanging in there. Thanks for advice, I will keep reading love busters...

I have spoke to OM on phone once, about 2 days after dday. He said I can't make him stop contact and my WW can do what she wants. I didn't keep his number, had called him from WWs phone that night.

I don't know where he works or lives. I have thought if I bumped into him, not sure I would resist hitting him.

What is dj and ao?