I am thinking the last half of this book is for after we start to repair the damage. Its all about the love busters etc which I have read and starting to go into questionaires.

14 mins until Christmas, happy christmas folks, i'm going to sleep!

Dr. Harley recommends that men stay in Plan B 6 months unless it begins to affect your health.

Merry Christmas to you, too!

I think nmwb meant to write Plan A for 6 months.

I think you're right but its still worth the read to go through the questionnaires.

Merry Christmas

Oops! Yes, I meant Plan A!

Here's a thought. By trying to get LB deposits. Am I not enabling cake eating?

As we are now living separate, I could make more attempts to be over there, being careful ofcourse not to judge and dictate etc. But then, isnt she getting best of both worlds?

From what I understand, the cake-eating is something that you have to deal with in plan A. It is damaging to you that she is doing it but in order to be the better option you have to continue to make love bank deposits. I think cake-eating is one of the biggest reasons for moving to plan B. You can only stand that kind of torment for so long before it effects your health.

Her cake eating coupled with the conflict that exposure will create between her and OM should work in your favor. When she sees you, you are confident and meet her ENs. When she sees OM, he is irritated about exposure and complains to her about YOU and the trouble "you" have caused.

She is getting the best of both worlds but while she's doing it you have the opportunity for her to see that you can meet her ENs better than OM could ever hope to.

I think SAA covers this when Sue moves out again to spend time with Greg but Greg is not as fulfilling as he was before.

I have read on this forum that WWs do not usually cake-eat very much. At least compared to WHs.

It sucks but, the plan is to meet ENs when the opportunity is there, regardless of cake-eating. Don't mistake meeting ENs with allowing or supporting the affair though. It should be clear to WW that the affair must end.

Avoid LBs!

Thanks, you are right about Sue and Greg, which as I said before, their scenario is sooo similar to mine.

I have been invited over to see boys, so I guess just be a good dad, have friendly chat, no anger etc
She knows I am unhappy with affair, I have said I want her to end it but she won't. So i need to grin and bare it for the moment, otherwise making LB deposits wont be possible.

She has spoke to be before about OMs family (kids) not liking her, but i shut her down as it was hurtful to even discuss. Wish i had been open now as listening to THAT kind of thing wouldve been big LB deposits in hindsight.

I was too busy doing 180 at time

I have been told many times by vets on this forum that any discussion about OM makes LB withdrawals. Deflect conversation about anything to do with OM. But still complain about the affair. I know from my own mistakes that listening to a WW talk about their OM is counter-productive.

Listening to her complain about OM's kids would not have made LB deposits. OM and his kids are strangers to you, their troubles are not a problem in your marriage. I would steer her toward how much YOUR kids do like her and how having their parents be in a loving marriage is in their best interest.

You are not an outlet for her frustrations with making her dream life with OM.

I hope you have given up the 180 garbage.

Speaking of being a good dad.

Isn't that what you are really fighting for?

A good father would not resign himself to allowing the mother of his children to rip his children's family apart because he and her have run into problems. I have often thought to myself that I will fight anyone in order to save my family, even my own wife.

Keep up plan A. Your WW doesn't seem to be willing to take too drastic of measures against you and her guilt. That doesn't mean she won't though. Be very wary if she starts to act afraid of you for no reason or tells others that you are violent. You may want to get a VAR(voice activated recorder) just in case she tries to make wild claims about your conduct around her. There are also smartphone apps that will work like a VAR.

Yeah, my family means the world to me. Also I love my wife, she is important too. I will admit ofcourse this whole ordeal is making me see her in a new light, but that is to be expected.

I went down today, had a cup of tea. Played with the kids. Bathed the kids. Tidied up the wrappings etc for her. I managed to squeeze into the conversation that what I said last night was true. I want us to build a new marriage where we are both happy. But she asked me to change subject, so I did.

She mentioned the messages i sent on facebook. apparently OMs dad is angry at me for sending it. WTF, not angry at his son?
Also she is going to OMs parents house this evening with OM. It seems his parents accept the affair as a new relationship.

anyway, I didnt dwell, judge or even comment.

edit


I never thought I would ever be sitting on a forum on Christmas day discussing saving my failing marriage. Waking up this morning alone in my house was torture! Oh her OM has blocked me on facebook. I guess he knows i sent those messages now.

The message from the other betrayed spouse is a common trick to prevent exposure. Have you spoke to her in person?

You see how ashamed they are of this tawdry 'relationship'. It won't last. You will be OK no matter what. Take heart.

I don't. They actually seem to accept the relationship and invited her to dinner, sent her a card and bought her a present!

OMs dad is annoying at me for contacting him. He doesn't know I messaged everyone.

I haven't spoken to OM bs in person but I initiated the messenger chat with her, pretty sure it was her from the stuff she said.

Thought of them sickens me. Even If this succeeds which I have doubts about, how to get passed her having sex with OM, the lies to my face etc. I have been so busy fighting this, I haven't had time to work out how I feel about it.

Anyway, staying friendly and helpful now, no more arguments and judgemental comments.

Yes, because the cheaters were allowed to spin the story. This is why it is so important for you to expose yourself.


Does he support the affair?


Can you speak to her on the phone and exchange information? The other BS can be a great ally.


Great!!

Yeah it sounds like his sister and dad supports the affair. The sister knew about it from at least the day I found out. So they knew the situation. The sister told her kids "uncle OM is with WW now".

The sister has known us a few years as a family so that pissed me off.

It sounds like OM's family appreciate infidelity. Not surprising that OM was raised by people with limited morals. They probably won't be much help.

Have you considered exposing to OM's employer? It might not do much good depending on what he does for a living but it's worth considering.

I may have already during fb messages, no idea. Other than that. I don't know where he works

After the day I have had, I am wondering if there is any point to this.

My WW asked me down at 8am to see kids. So I went. I ended up helping them open packing etc, watching them while she did whatever. I bathed them, dressed them then took them to their MILs house. She was going to her mums later on.

An hour later the MIL dropped kids off with me, which would be before my WW got to her mums house. I have had kids all day, which in a way has been nice. Except, I am left thinking why did their mum not spend ANY time with them at Christmas?

Instead, she wnt for dinner with her mum then joined OM and his parents at their house. WTF

So lets get this clear

-She is having sexual / emotional relationship with another man, regardless of our years together and what we've been through she didn't even have respect to be honest with me.
-She has no time for her kids anymore, even on CHRISTMAS DAY
-She tells me how terrible our marriage was, even though she "thought she was happy" until she met this guy. We always seemed in love and never seemed bad. Albeit there mustve been something amiss.
-She is throwing away her marriage/family/somefriends/parents over this with no regard for anything but herself.

Right ok, I buy into the dopamine fog stuff. But who is this woman and WHY am I trying to stay with her? I thinking my loving selfless, amazing wife is gone.

Its really up to you. You cant expect WW to do anything to save your marriage right now. She is only concerned with herself and her future "happiness" at the moment.

My wife performed similarly with our kids while her affair was still active. She still tells me how terrible our marriage has always been and she has NEVER been happy(I wonder why she wanted to marry me and have kids?).

Don't listen to her fog babble garbage. It is completely meaningless and only designed to ease her own conscience about the awful thing she knows she is doing.

Some day she will likely come out of the fog and realize what a terrible thing she has done. That won't happen while she is still in contact with OM though. Marriages do survive affairs more often than not. If you hold your wedding vows sacred, you should see this as a problem that can be overcome. It won't be overcome quickly and you may not be successful but you owe it to your family to fight and keep it together. Falling out of love is not an excuse for anything, it is a problem to be fixed.

In my personal opinion, when I found out about the A it hurt me. I could have given up on my wife because she hurt me and I did not want to work with her. To me, this was the selfish way out. I couldn't stop thinking about how awful a divorce would be for my kids. My kids love both of their parents regardless of how we feel about each other. I feel that the responsible thing to do is to overcome the problems between my wife and I in order to provide the best possible lives for our children. I would sacrifice anything for my kids and I will certainly apply every effort I can muster to insure and increase their happiness.