I have a bit of reality for you - my autistic son is in his thirties and he still requires help with toileting sometimes.

It is a huge mistake to drag your disabled child into this. You are sending the implicit message to your WW that the disabled child is more important than she is. The best thing for any child is to have parents that are romantically in love with each other. Pointing out how the affair is making your wife a lousy mother will not restore your marriage. It is a cheap shot at her, and it is counterproductive.

You are totally right. I have been many things over the last 5-6 weeks but clear thinking or calm probably haven't been one of them. It was a bad misjudgement.

I have been up and down so much and to some crazy extremes. I think Christmas just made it so much worse.

Fact: Your WW is being an awful mom right now. I'm not sure you made a mistake.

You must have hit a nerve looking at her most recent text to you.

I wouldn't believe for a second that she doesn't mind hurting you more for the sake of her affair.

What she means to say is: don't make me hurt you more by messing with my affair.

I am sure it was a mistake.

Plan A is about making yourself as attractive as possible. What BBH is realizing, and I as a former BH with an autistic son lived through as well, is that the realities of life with a disabled child put you an unfair disadvantage by making the home life automatically less attractive. Pointing out how your WW is falling down as a mother is pulling this unpleasant disadvantage to the foreground, in addition to being tremendously disrespectful and judgmental. I made mistakes like this myself soon after my wife's affair.

An effective Plan A leaves issues of the disabled child off the table. By concentrating on making yourself attractive, you pull her attention back toward the romantic relationship you want with her. That is where it belongs. Family issues take care of themselves once the marriage is strong again.

How is it perceived that sharing a Proud Monumental step that the son achieved on his own as Disrespectful?

Wouldn't the Mom, under any conditions also be proud?

I just do not see the DJ here. I did not get any sense of him rubbing it in her face.

LTL

This is a shock to me. I have enjoyed my time with my disabled son, even when it's challenging. I would never have thought that my WW would look on it as something undesirable, but I think you're right.

Even though my situation is different and my WW wants to spend time with our boy, I have made the mistake of citing his challenges as one of the reasons to recover our marriage. I think I can see how that is not having the effect that I thought it would.

Blows my mind, thanks.

You're not getting it because you have not been the parent of an autistic son. He didn't win the school science fair. He succeeded *once* with an expectation that he is sure to fail at many more times in the future. Pointing it out *at all* rubs her face in it, because she isn't there and isn't helping.

Hindsight is always 20/20, and I have been at this game for a long time. I guarantee you that in a recovered marriage, where your wife *knows* that you value her more than anyone else, she will be the most dedicated and resourceful mother for your autistic child that you could ever imagine. Before MB, my wife used to feel like she had to compete with my autistic son for my attention. Not anymore, and the entire family is better off for me focusing on my wife's needs first.

That's a great point. In the past I have allowed myself to become consumed with my son's care. It's one of the many things I allowed to get in the way of meeting my wife's ENs. I will do my best to let her know that our relationship is the most important part of our family.

Just to point out, my son has cerebral palsy and I do not believe he is autistic. I understand that BW BH's son is autistic and this is his thread. The advice would seem to fit both of our situations though. Thank you.