I strongly recommend you consult a couple attorneys ASAP and let them know about the pregnancy too.


Don't let the drunk drive the bus. You need to tell WW her options (calmly and CLEARLY) as Melody told you. Leaving decisions up to WW will only put you through the meat grinder more. Do not sugar coat or downplay her options either. If she is unwilling to do what needs to be done then you are better off going into Plan B/D soon rather than later.

No one is suggesting you get violent or make threats. However, to be "civil" seems like you are a doormat. Sorry but it does.


Agree. I would even tell her if she won't end her affair, then she is free to leave so bye, bye. You should also be exposing during this time.

I'm sorry, I guess by civil I mean that I have spoken calmly with him, urged him to leave off and move on with his life, strongly argued for him to leave her alone, etc...by civil I mean I have not yelled like an idiot and threatened to beat his [censored] as I feel he deserves. I have remained mostly calm, but I have let my displeasure of the whole ordeal be made more than known and at no time have I condoned any of the behavior on either side.

I want to thank all of you for your input. I think I have known what I need to do, and your opinions have reinforced that. I will give her an ultimatum this week. Either she ends everything with OM and makes it clear to him with me there that he will have no part in this kids life, or she needs to move on with her life and out of mine. Everything else is just going to be details, and honestly I kind of hope she goes. I love her with all of my heart, but truth be told I am done being hurt and used by her.

Brokensailor, you handled that perfectly with the OM. Your next steps should be to further expose this affair. Expose to your children, the OMs parents, family and friends and any other family and friends who do not know. I would say nothing about the pregnancy, though.

I would go to her and tell her this can work only if she agrees to cut off the OM completely. Don't sit around and wait for a "plaN" from a wayward. You need to get a plan and move forward here.

Thank you Melody.

One main concern is how to break the news to the kids, how much do I tell them. I do not want to tarnish their opinions of their mother, or seem bitter about what went on concerning her. I do not want them to feel like they have to choose a side.

I hate doing the ultimatum to, it's kind of "forcing" someone to be with you, I would have her choose me of her own free will, not because I made a threat, however with the current circumstances she has really left me no option. It's kind of like caging a bird, you love it, you want it, but if you open the cage it will fly away, know what I mean? And who wants that? I know I don't.

Expose this affair fully. OM has a FB? Paste and copy his contact lists and expose all. Do not mention the pregnancy at this time.

Expose OM parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles, siblings, cousins. Also expose OM where he works. Make his life uncomfortable as possible. Make him having an affair with your WW not worth the trouble.

Also make sure that you fully expose WW's family. Parents, siblings, G parents, aunts and uncles, cousins. And most important tell your kids what their mom is doing.

Tell them everything, especially about the identity of the OM and how long the affair has been going on. You do not have the power to control your children's opinion of their mother. That is all determined by her actions and your children's responses. What you should do is EVER lie to them to help your wife cover up. If your children choose the "side' of adultery, then you have a big problem. Children usually don't side with adultery.


You do not have the power to "force" her to do anything. But you do have the power to CHOOSE to be abused or not. That is your JOB to choose your own life instead of leaving it in the hands of a selfish, fogged out wayward. You don't have the luxury of doing that when you have KIDS.

The truth is that your marriage will not make it if she does not end her affair. You MUST tell her on what conditions you are willing to continue in this marriage. IF you are willing to be the #2 man in an adulterous relationship, you should tell her this. If you are not willing to be abused in such a way, then let her know.

I would not forewarn your wife before you expose to the kids either. When you tell them, encourage them to speak to her about her affair.

Your ultimatum does not force your wife to choose you. But it does force her to make a choice. Keep in mind, if she chooses to leave, she may change her mind later, and if she does, you can take her back if she agrees to take extraordinary precautions that will make you safe.

Right now your wife is in the fog, so even if she does come back to you, she won't be in love. But there is a process that will bring that love back and will help you both to intrinsically love each other.

But first things first. Expose the affair and give your wife the ultimatum. Good luck.

Dr. Harley in Effective Marriage Counseling pg 94:

"Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers."

Small update

My wife has broken it off with OM. We've agreed that we will send him pictures of the baby etc..however day to day he will not be involved with the baby. We will use either an intermediary or myself or together if OM ever wants to visit with it. She has recommitted herself to out marriage with the understanding that if anything remotely close to any of this happens agin we will go our separate ways. I guess that's a start, this feels right for me, and she is coming clean with people that the baby is in fact not mine. It is going to be hard, but I think that with counseling and honest communication we can get through this. Thanks again for the support guys.

You seem to have disregarded Dr Harley's advice that you, your wife and the child should have nothing at all to do with OM. Why have you done that?

Sending him pictures of the baby is keeping the relationship between him and your wife alive in everybody's minds. Do you think your wife will be able to break her emotional bond with him if she's acknowledging him as the father of her child, and sending him pictures?

Where do you hope that these arrangements will get you? Do you think they will keep him away from you? Don't you see that keeping him away from you means having nothing at all to do with him? Even the law is on your side in this. He has no rights over the child - so why are you giving him any?

How did she break it off with OM?

How far from him do you live?

You are doing the worst possible thing in going against Dr Harley's advice. Your marriage will not survive having OM in your lives.

Does he know about this agreement to send him pictures and let him see the child later if he wants?

That is not a start, but a dead end. He should be cut out of your lives unless there is a court order. Inviting this dirtbag to hang around your marriage by sending him pictures is a dangerous and unnecessary strategy. If you have decided to raise this child as your own, then don't invite the OM into your lives because he will be competing with you for your wife and the child for years to come.

That is not in the child's best interest because Your marriage is the most important thing to the children's lives. Don't weaken it by inviting this creep into your lives. Cut him out completely.


I would also add that communication and counseling will not save your marriage unless you have a PLAN. Marriages do not magically resolve themselves after an affair. If you don't take very specific steps, your marriage will be a crippled version of the pre-affair marriage that will be more vulnerable to an affair.

I would get the book Surviving an Affair and follow the program outlined there. Start with this checklist:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.