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What is the best way for me to show my wife that I am commited to Changing and fixing our marriage?

Since in the past I was all talk.

How do I put aside my feeling of hurt and anger to try and meet her emotional needs while she is still messaging him?

I dont feel that I am getting a chance to do that.

Yes I am. The affair I had wasnt to get back at anyone. I seriously thought it was over after what she had told me. I have tried to contact OM and message him he will not answer either. and they keep messaging each other. I know her friends know and I dont know how they feel about. As for everyone else they no something is wrong. I thought about driving to AR and confronting him face to face. But I am worried what I might do if I seen him in person.

I am ready to be that kind of husband. I have gone to long just doing the minium to get by.

As for the consoular he was really good but her affair didnt come up at the first session just mine and it was at the end. We worked on some other things and it was one of those primary things. He never made it to the second session.

How do I find the thread

The best way to show your wife that you are committed to changing is to just do it...make changes for the better...REGARDLESS if it leads to marital recovery or not. Your focus should not be on fixing your marriage. Your focus should be on fixing YOU...then MAYBE you stand a chance at recovering your marriage if your wife is interested.

Okay I understand what your saying. Does the information on this site help with changing your self. I have made a lot of changes for the better. Its hard to meet her emotional needs when I think about the fact that she is having an affair.

I did ask her to the movies this weekend and she said yes with a smile. It seems though that evertime I bring up whats going on she starts to justify everthing and tell me how crappie our marriage is and that she tired of doing this. If I dont bring it up she seems happy and seems to enjoy spending time together.

Yes...if it didn't then we would all be doing or tolerating the same things that led to a troubled marriage. You can only control yourself.

Stop bringing up your marital problems and her affair...those are mood killers for times when you should be enjoying each others company. If you won't stop talking about your relationship/her affair, she will not want to spend any time with you which will provide zero chance for you to show her you have changed or make LB$ deposit. Enjoy the movie with her and bite your tongue.

Okay I can do that. When is a good time to bring up ongoing affair? Or do I just try and meet all of her emotional needs with out bringing it up and see if she just stops talking to him? If so how long would you suggest that approach of working on my self to be a better person and husband?

I "bumped" it for you. It is at or near the top of all the threads in this forum. Click on "Surviving an Affair" at the bottom of this post, look at all the threads and then click on that one!

Does he have a Facebook page? Could you copy his friends list into a word document for example?

Confronting him is a good idea but you would need a big friend to act as witness and to stop you doing anything dumb. Dr H recommends letting him know you will make his life difficult personally professionally and legally.

Do this after you've exposed him as an adulterer so he knows you're for real.

What exposure targets can you use against him? What exposure targets will tell your wife to stop her affair? Obviously you need to contact them yourself.

Read about exposure here

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2626594

She asked me just awhile ago how I was feeling and if I was up to taking the kids to the movies. I don't understand why she would ask how I was when last night she told me that she didn't care if it was hurting me.

I didn't bring anything up though and just said that would be good.

I asked if she would like to get some gym membership and go together and she said yes.

So confused last night she just wanted to separate and didn't love me.

No Facebook only google+ and I think I'm blocked from it.
Should I try and contact all his family and call him at work.
He is also on linken.

Won't that pusher further away and into his arms?

Should I give him a warning to stop messaging her or I will expose him for what he is?

NO Advance Warning to your enemy. It would only give them a chance to start fabricating stories about how psycho and controlling you are to preempt and dilute your exposure letters.

LTL

Well I have been making the mistake of bringing up or relationship and her affair at least once a week since D-day. About a month now.

Last time I brought it up was Sunday and it went into monday.
Wife says she feels unsafe and scared of me. She Doesn't like to talk about it. I feel we are avoiding the issue. She is sleeping on the couch instead of bed. Is this a bad sign?

Wife said she wanted to seperate last night this is the third time she has said it this month. Should I just move out?

Should i Take all my money from my paycheck and put it into my personal account?

She does receive child support from me from when we were

it kind of feels like she is trying to play a game.

She is. All of her behaviours are to do with her guilt over the affair. You will not make much progress until you tackle the affair.

Your wife has gotten into a pattern of having her needs met in two places. Initially she thought OM could do this but typically APs can't do it alone. She needs to keep you on the hook without ending her affair. Its an addiction and the only way to end it is to go at the source - the affair. She will not make much sense at this time and won't remember much of it later on. I'm sure you struggle to remember your affairs and were glad to be free of them.



That's concerning. Usually this preceeds a false accusation of domestic violence. You should keep a voice recorder on you at all times to protect you. Her judgement is severely compromised.




She will be furious like a drunk who's had the bottle taken away - but the main thing is it will be taken away. She won't be able to introduce him as her new boyfriend later on and he will run for the hills.

You should expose your own affairs to your own family and in laws while asking for their help.

Your real target is OM. Of course don't warn him - how far would he have gotten if he had warned you?

Who is he? Married/single? Who would his exposure targets be?

If he's on LinkedIn then he'll be worried about his online image and an inclusion on a cheaterville site would be effective.

You need to stop being a man of talk and become a man of action. Your wife is terribly confused right now (we call it the fog) and not capable of talking about this.

She needs rescuing from scumbag OM. Not a lecture.

Get your exposure plan ready and tell us who/how you will expose.

Afterwards your wife will be angrier than you've ever seen her. That means it's working. Don't engage in chit chat about it, just tell her you only wish to talk about your marriage, not her affair. Ignore reply. Or that you are sorry her affair is so embarrassing for her. Ignore reply.

You don't waste words when you're putting someone through cold turkey.

Just be a soft place to land.

She wont even talk about it except that he meets her emotional needs and make her feel safe and secure and lifts her up and gives her energy. were I bring her down and take energy. That is try at the moment because Im trying to tackle the issues.


He is single. On his Google Plus he doesnt have anyone that seems they would care. I dont see his family and I cant post anything on his page.

My affairs have already been exposed to family and friends.

On linkdin I dont see a place to post.
So I just dont know what step to take next.

I think my wife even blocked me messaging her on Facebook they send but dont get delivered. I cant post anything on her Facebook because she has to approve it even if I tag her on mine. Her justification for it is that she thinks I was having another affair and she wasnt going to just sit back and watch. I have confronted the problem she felt was the affair or going to be the affair and made other arrangements.

Im truly at a loss.

I know she is addicted to him, she will even admit that. She just doesnt care anymore.

What do you mean a man of action? Attempt to meet her emotional needs and try and push this man out of our lives?

I have ordered His and Her Needs and a few other books they should be here today.

She told me that after I had gone to st. louis she contacted him because he was so far away and didnt have the money or time to go see him. But she made time last time.

She told me she couldnt be emotional commited to just me and that she just wants to not be emotionaly close to me ever again and that she pray for the strengh to get out of this marriage.

You should not listen to what she says at this point. Peoples minds in this predicament are foggy. Just get her to leave the other man alone and being with you again and if you follow the plan, her feelings for you will eventually come back and she will be embarrased that she ever said this.