I've been married 24 years. My wife and I love each other VERY much. She is the kindest and sweetest person I have ever met. The only glitch is that she is asexual. She is not averse to sex. She will take care of my "needs" whenever required. However, I know that taking care of my sexual desires is just a task to accomplish for her. Beyond the snuggling aspect, she gets very little out of sex. I would like to relieve her of at least some of the obligation she feels to satisfy me sexually by finding other healthy outlets for my overly abundant sexual energy. I have avoided the traps that many men set themselves up for by never seeking outlets that would disrespect or dishonor my wife and will continue to do so. However, at times it feels like my sexual energy is eating holes through me. Can anyone help?

Yes, we can help you. But the solution is develop a healthy sexual relationship with your wife. I do find it very hard to believe she has been "taking care of your needs" and has not developed an aversion. That is how aversions are created. Women need 2 things to desire sex, an emotional attachment to the man and the prospect of enjoyment. It sounds like she has fallen out of love and perhaps does have an aversion.


What are these outlets?

And will you read this article: The question of the ages: How can a...age?

By Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D.

Women who are in love are very motivated to make love to their husbands. That is what we FIX with this program.


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5013_qa.html

My wife is not averse to sex. She is asexual. She simply does not have the "desire" that most people feel to have sex. Never had it and probably never will. She has taken a couple online sexuality tests and is as convinced as I am that she is asexual and always has been. This is nothing new. My desire to end the ONLY questionable part of our relationship by relieving her of at least part of the responsibility to satisfy my sexual needs is what is new. She knows that I am a better husband when I have an outlet for my sexual energy. She has done very well but it is becoming obvious to me, as we get older, how much energy this takes for her to do this. Our relationship is as strong as it has ever been. I just want to find a healthy outlet that will use up most of my sexual energy so that she no longer has to deal with it. She is happy to have sex whenever I need it but I try not to abuse the privilege. Currently, we have sex about 3 or 6 times per month. That's not nearly enough for me but still a little too much for her. If I can find an outlet and take most of the responsibility off of her, she can relax and no longer have to worry about it and still have the happy husband she loves. Meanwhile, I will have the release I need without placing unreasonable sexual demands on the woman I love. Both of us would benefit from a taming of my libido. MANY conversations and a lot of thought has gone into this. We definitely have a different situation than most.

Here's another good read.
How to Overcome Sexual Aversion

Your situation is not different at all. We have seen this a million times. The wife falls out of love and loses interest in sex. Having a strong relationship does not mean you are in romantic love. Women need to be IN LOVE in order to desire sex. The solution is to negotiate a sexual frequency that you would both desire. But the negotiation is over when you enter it with a black and white FIRM outcome such as "I must have sex XX times per week." You need to keep negotiating until you come to an enthusiastic agreement.

And I will reiterate my initial comment that women who are in love do desire sex. That is where you should start. I cant tell you how many times we have had posters come here and swear that one was "asexual" but that all changed once they fell in love again.

How many hours of undivided attention do you spend together? [and I mean out of the house without other people and not at a movie]

The ONLY healthy, ethical outlet is your wife.

Melody - You obviously don't understand. My wife has NEVER been a sexual person. Ever. There has never been, at any moment in her past, a time when she felt sexually passionate. EVER! It's just not there. Saying it's aversion again and again is not going to help us.

Consider it this way: I'll eat oatmeal ever though I don't care for it but I LOVE steak. My wife would just as soon eat oatmeal or steak. It doesn't matter to her. No built in, emotional, passion. It's not wired into her the way it is almost everyone else.

Again, I just need a way of satisfying my desire for sex without disrespecting or dishonoring my wife.

PLEASE LISTEN. I am not insisting it is an aversion. I have explained to you that women need 2 things to desire sex: an in love feeling and the prospect of enjoyment. If she had both, she would desire sex.

Another thing you can do is have her go to the doctor and get her hormones checked.


AGAIN, that way is to create a satisfying sexual relationship with your wife. ANYTHING OUTSIDE OF THAT WILL HARM YOUR MARRIAGE.

You seem to be stuck on one track and that is to get us to ACCEPT that your wife is asexual and get us to suggest ways you can have sex outside of your marriage. We will not suggest anything that will harm your marriage!

We have hundreds of people come to this forum where one of the spouses does to desire sex. We help them CHANGE THAT. I understand she has never desired or enjoyed sex, but just because a person has that history does not mean it is their destiny. You don't have to accept the status quo.

Marriage is a relationship of sexual exclusivity and getting your needs met outside of marriage will only harm your marriage. Things that seem innocuous such as porn and masturbation harm marriages terribly because the other spouse is deeply offended. The other huge negative is that the contrast effect when the spouse has to compete with images of 18 year old porn stars. It has the effect of destroying any remaining semblance of a sexual relationship.

We can help you solve this, but you are going to have to put aside your own pre-formed opinions and try methods that we know will work. We can't help you unless you put aside your own ideas.

DGZ,

Reading between the lines, are you saying your W has NEVER had an orgasm?

Was you W interested and enthusiastic about sex before you were married?

I understand how it's a bit like going to a steakhouse with a vegetarian who just watches you.

God Bless
Gamma

Will your wife come here and post?

It is very RARE for a married couple have the same top emotional needs, so this is not unusual. My husbands top EN is sexual fulfillment so I don't have the same passion for sex that he does. My top EN is affection and he has very little interest in affection. BUT, I am in love with him so I am very motivated to meet his top EN and he is very motivated to meet mine.

It is unrealistic to expect any couple to have the same passion for any EN.

Melody - I am NOT trying to justify sex outside of my otherwise perfect marriage. I'm looking for a NON-SEXUAL activity that will help me control my sexual desires. My wife IS asexual. Look it up. It is an actual condition that is more common than most people realize. **EDIT**

Anyone else have any ideas?

Brainhurts - I will ask.

Phrased that way (a "non sexual activity that will help me control my desires") very much constrains the kind of solutions that you are willing to accept from us here. This is a marriage building forum, after all, and we always look at the relationship as a whole when we look at marital problems. You can't blame us for doing that on a site that is about the marital relationship.

Also, you seem to have an idea about what kind of activity could help you, but you are not naming it and discussing it openly. What do you have in mind?

Why would you like to "relieve her of at least some of the obligation"? Is this a problem for her? Has she expressed displeasure in having sex with you?

Try intense physical exercise, such as running or lifting weights, every day.

I can't see that it's so hard to come up with ideas for how to burn off energy, if that's what you're asking.

I can't help but think that you have something in mind, and you want us to justify your doing it. If so, just say what it is and stop getting shirty with MelodyLane for trying to guess what's on your mind, and for offering the Marriage Builders solution.

If you are asking about NON-SEXUAL activity, all you need to do is ask. However, if I were you, I would leave no stone unturned to try to improve your sexual relationship. We have had so many come here and tell us their spouses were "asexual" and lo and behold, when they tried these techniques, that all changed. I wouldn't give up so easily if I were you.

Even so, one great activity that comes to mind is exercise. Have you tried that?

Are you a doctor? Self diagnosis is not the way to go about treating this. You need to show enough concern for your wife to actively seek effective treatment. Calling her "asexual" is a disrespectful judgement, and the fact that you are so willing to give up on giving her an enjoyable sex life is selfish and uncaring of you. The solution is to find the root causes for this situation and correct them. Accepting the status quo will hurt your marriage.