It is 2am on the first day of the year, I'm exhausted, but have no desire to climb into my own bed. I am here and willing to engage. And yes, I do want to rebuild our marriage.

"The next step is to reestablish the emotional and romantic connection between the two of us. Fortunately, my wife now feels ready to take this step and I think she will join the discussion on these boards soon."

Sadly, the progress I was hoping had been achieved was an illusion if my husband believes I am ready for this step. 2014 has been an absolute nightmare for me and I feel like I've gone through it alone on the emotional front. After 10 years of marriage, I do not think my husband knows who I am. I feel invisible. I see his efforts and appreciate all of his hard work, but we are clearly not on the same page. I was so hopeful that he would be able to really dig into the issues that I believe to exist, rip off the bandaids, and feel the burn the way I have done. When he started seeing a therapist for the first time in his life this month, I thought we were finally going to make some headway. But, between his remarks above, his multiple attempts to publicly snuggle with me at tonight's NYE party, and recently telling me that he doesn't feel like he needs to continue with the therapy (or that he is ready to back off after 3? sessions) makes me realize that he understands very little of what I've been trying to communicate.

Bottom line is that I want our marriage to survive, but I refuse to go back to the person I had become and I don't know if those two things are compatible. I have fought to regain control of my emotions and to be a good mother and I know that he wants to fix things. I have no interest in going through the rest of my life without him. But, my love for him is still lost in a mountain of pain and resentment and I'm struggling to picture this person that I want and need to be at his side.

J, for you to think that we have regained the status of "good friends" and then read this must be unbelievably painful and I'm so sorry, but you are moving too quickly and once again leaving me behind. I'm not sure how you could read my most recent letter to you and still think we are that far along.
Slow down. Please.

Is this Mrs Smile?

Welcome to MB and a very happy New year to you.

Please start your own thread so we can talk to you, it's counterproductive when spouses talk to each other.

Also relax! This programme starts with just going on some dates, not digging up your emotions or pain, or any of the things you've mentioned.

It's your husbands job to court you, all you have to do is sit back and see if you like it. He will of course need to exclude anything from the past you've found painful.

Interested?

That is, indeed, my wonderful wife. My screen name is a play on hers that seemed funny in happier times (and btw, please don't turn her name into an TLA!) I started the "next step" thread as a forum for her to introduce herself, but I see that thread has been combined with this one. So yes, she should start her own thread and I will be happy to provide whatever privacy is needed for that thread to be productive.

J

Hello Mrs Smile, welcome to Marriage Builders. Thanks for signing up and posting. We are glad to hear from you. We have turned our marriages around using these concepts and we hope we can help you too.

It would be very helpful if you could start a thread and give us your perspective.

Mrs. Smile's post offers a glimpse of the question I was struggling with when I started this thread two weeks ago. I realized that my efforts to make her happy had been misdirected, and that I would need to make a new effort to court her in order to satisfy her ENs. However, she is not willing to begin a courtship until I achieve some unspecified epiphany through therapy. I have asked her repeatedly to give me some guidance on what I should be exploring in therapy, but she is not willing to offer it. I spent the first two sessions of therapy describing my perspective on how I have failed to meet her needs, and the therapist (who was recommended to me by Mrs. Smile's therapist) offered some refinements on my plan to address that. But after the second session, he seemed surprised when I wanted to meet again in just a week. After the third session, we agreed that it would be better to give it some time before we met again. This conclusion was apparently unsatisfactory to Mrs. Smile, but I am genuinely at a loss for what she wants me to accomplish in future sessions. I have racked my brain on this subject and my best guesses (which aren't very good) are that she either wants me to realize that there is something wrong with any man that wants to make love with his wife more than twice a week*, or she wants me to undergo the same sort of painful self-discovery that she went through as a matter of fairness. Anyhow, I would greatly appreciate any assistance in helping us determine how I should direct my efforts in therapy to satisfy this need from Mrs. Smile.

* From our discussions it seems that her perceptions of my sexual expectations are very different than my actual expectations. On the subject of frequency, she is pretty accurate in that I would prefer to make love 5 or more times per week, but I was also a very happy man when we were at 3 times per week. The divergence from reality occurs on the subject of quality. As her aversion developed, and she became emotionally detached in the bedroom, the quality obviously dropped considerably. She perceives my dissatisfaction with the quality of sex as the need for crazy, wild pornographic-style sex. I see myself as much more restrained that that, and believe my expectations would be satisfied if we could again make love rather than just having sex.

Therapy is typically not very helpful in marriage recovery and is more often a distraction. What might be helpful is if your wife fills out this form so you will know what her biggest issues are: Marital Problem Analysis

What is the purpose of going to counseling? What do you need help with?


The discussion should be about finding ways that satisfy you both. She should not do anything that makes her unhappy or uncomfortable. As long as you go into it on that premise, you should be able to create a fulfilling sex life.

I agree on both counts

Here is the thread that I started.
5x, you should hold off on reading it.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...at&Number=2836240&gonew=1#UNREAD

Will do

Do you have angry outbursts?

Have you read Love Busters?

I very rarely have angry outbursts. I can count the total number directed at Mrs. Smile on one hand (with fingers to spare) and they have all happened in the last 6 months. I have read the Love Busters section and my impression is that aspect of our problems is minor compared to the ENs.

Then if you read Love Buster then you know it's one of the worst love Busters and they should NEVER happen.

One AO is one too many.

Listen to these clips.
Anger Management 101

Do you let your mother abuse your DW?

Listen to this clip and tell us what you think (it's towards the end).

Radio Clip on the Secret of Staying in Love

Only if you ignore the times I have thrown my mother out of the house for that offense. DW and mom have the usual IL issues and that has placed me in awkward situations as mediator on many occasions. I could go into more detail, but I'll leave it there for now.

Am I supposed to be avoiding this thread or responding in as productive a manner as possible?

It's best if you each respond on your own threads.

What Dr Harley typically recommends is that the offending relative be cut off completely until he/she apologizes to the offended spouse and agrees to NEVER do it again. Dr. Harley had to do this with his own father after his father made an offensive remark to Joyce. It is your job to protect her from your relatives. They should NEVER be allowed to harm your wife.

You don't have to mediate anything, you just have to demand that they treat your spouse with respect at all times. If not, they shouldn't be in your lives because they are harmful to your marriage.

This is the approach we are currently taking, and I am in complete agreement that it is the correct one (even if I am less than "enthusiastic" about excluding my mom from our lives).

First comment: that was a painful clip to have to endure in order to get to the part you were referring me to. I wish there was a way to skip ahead. But more to the point, I am trying hard to re-orient myself to the viewpoint expressed at the end of that clip. For 10 years now, I have been doing everything I can to remove things from DW's life that make her unhappy. That approach clearly failed and I need to redirect my efforts to things that make her feel happy. I get it.