Did you ever listen to the clips in here? Also in this same thread did you see what Dr Harley says about therapy that makes you think and discuss your past issues?

Not yet still reading.

Actually I can tell she is still talking to him. It feels very disheartening. But I can't expect a miracle in one day. Tonight we were supposed to go out but Something came up. So I've been trying to give her space to think. Last night a lot of things were said. So I have just been reading a lot. We might go on a date night tomorrow. I guess I have to show her that we can still have fun and enjoy each others company.


What do you think is that bad?

The counselor I go talk to we manly talk about issues that I'm dealing with now. I have been trying to avoid love busters for the last three days I have slipped 3 times though before I caught myself. None today though.

What is the best way to ask her to end contact with OM?

I tried to ask tonight and she felt as though I was being
Demanding.

I don't know what way to ask that would seem neutral.

This seems pointless. She seems to justify all her actions. Even told me it was deliberately done for her emotional benefit.

She even talked to him today and told him that he was exposed and he doesn't seem to care she said.

I'm at a loss. And feel very hopeless.

What am I supposed to do just turn my head and meet all of her needs and hope that she stops messaging this man?

How in the world is that possible when you know she's still talking to him and doesn't give a cap if it's hurting you?

I don't know if I can take the pain the last affair was less than a year ago. I didn't even heal from that one yet and then this one with the same guy started back up around the same time.

I feel like I've been run over by a train and someone just stuffed all the pieces back in side me and said just deal with it.

wtf........

What do you mean 'he' was exposed? You exposed her too right?

Giving her 'space to think' is meaningless because while the affair is on going she has no brain. Anything she says either 'I love you' or 'I hate you' is a lie while the affair is on going.

She won't stop it voluntarily the affair will continue until it becomes troublesome and they start fighting. You need to cause trouble in the affair. Do her friends and family support you? Will they tell her they will never accept this man?

I don't see any reason to believe a wayward when she says exposure didn't hit the target. However I'm concerned you didn't speak to anyone in person. When you 'messaged' his family how did you do it? Where they able to contact you to talk about your claims? Did you expose him on a website like cheaterville so that anyone who Googles him will see it?

Stop listening to her fog babble. She is not in her right mind, so having conversations with her about the marriage is going to be incredibly bleak. It is way too soon to be filling out questionnaires and I'm sure she used that as an opportunity to hurt you. Don't count on anything in those forms being helpful to you or the marriage.

YES you can demand that she ends the affair! Affairs are like cancer so sitting around and hoping she will come to her senses just lets the disease fester. You've got to repeat over and over "your affair is hurtful to me and our family. Please stop now."

You say this calmly and you say it over and over and over like a broken record every time the affair comes up or you know they're having contact.

You have a lot more power to fight this but you have to get a hold of your feelings and steady yourself. That's why posters have suggested ADs or exercise, etc. Find a way to tune out her crazy talk so that it's not affecting you so much.

Also on the exposure, please tell us who you told and what you said. I have a feeling (and I'm sure I'm not alone) that you've done a half a$$ed attempt. Exposure is a tsunami, it's epic. You tell everyone and ask them to help you break up the affair. This includes neighbors, hairdressers, friends, family ANYONE who might be able to persuade her. The more the merrier.

You will feel better if you start to get focused and fight this. You are giving up on an emotional level before you've had a chance to work the plan. Why not go for a walk right now and get some endorphins going? When you come home, keep repeating how devastating this affair is and ask your WW wife to stop.

Yes. Now you know how absolutely devastating adultery is.

Yes I did expose him on cheaterville. His family lives in michigan. I sent messages and also talked to them on the phone.
Her friends no and her family just stay out of everything.

So there isn't anyone on her side that you exposed to that will support your marriage and speak to her? What about her parents?

All the exposure targets should be hit in 24 hours!

What on earth are you waiting for?

A trickle exposure is useless.

Did you even read the exposure thread? This is one of the most common mistakes.

Even if her family we're estranged it makes no difference. If her friends haven't heard from you then they don't know you are fighting this.

You've got to ask anyone and everyone to help you break this up! Are you not appealing to her friends and family because you feel guilty about your own infidelity and believe that her people won't support the marriage? Ask for their forgiveness for your own indiscretions and appeal for their help in saving your family.

Wringing your hands and trying to get her to tell you how to fix this isn't going to get you anywhere. You need to get moving on this NOW.

I would not call them indiscretions, though. They were murderous assaults on your marriage.

Also expose it to your family. Use the template letter regarding a requested separation.

Her dad has passed away and her mom only cares about herself most of the time. Her family stays out of things unless it directly
Effect them.

Her friends I think don't condone her or think her actions are right. But they support her and her decisions. To make herself happy. I haven't been a model husband and I accept that and take responsibility for that.

This is a message I sent her, because I feel like she will avoid at any cost talking about it.

I feel that I am willing to do all the hard work to fix our marriage. To meet your emotional needs and other needs the way that you need them meet. I know that comes to you with no hope that, that will actually happen because of the past and my past actions and inaction. I feel that our needs are both different and I have been lumping your needs with mine for years when they were different and not the same. I accept and realize that I have tried to get you to feel that your needs are the same as mine. And when you protested that they weren't I would punish you and attack you with DJ's. I have been an abusive husband for these actions and others and my inaction to see, accept and meet your emotional needs. I want to understand and learn how to meet your needs because they are different and special they are part of you and who you are. I love you for your heart and mind and always have. I know that I never showed you the way you need or wanted that. I feel that as long as you continue your affair that I can not truly meet those needs, because you are turning else where for them to be met. So I feel when I do attempt to met them they are not accepted as a sincere attempt to meet them. Your affair is truly hurting me very deeply in every accept of myself and life it's not only hurting me though. I am hurt and it hurts to think about,but I would like to talk about it and understand why it happened and learn what I could do in our marriage to help it not happen again. I feel that we use to have a connection and I take responsibility for us losing that it was my fault. I feel that we could have that again and it be deeper than it ever was. I accept that you don't trust me or what I'm saying. I feel that the first step to change is seeing and accepting and admitting your faults.

What do you guys and girls think. I also have asked her repeatedly to stop contact and that it was hurting me and our family.

I'm almost to the point of emotionally withdrawing myself. Everything we are together I try and have a good time and focus on her and her needs. But every time I see her all I can see is that she is intentionally hurting me and visions of her with this man come into my head.

I am reluctant to take AD meds because I have an addictive personality. I am working out though.

Expose or divorce.

Nobody who is afraid of exposure has ever succeeded.

People who try to second guess exposure always fail

I have just exposed and with no support from her friends. They actually just defended her actions because of my past acts against her and our marriage. I think I just blew everything up.

I feel like I just ruined any chance of fixing our marriage.

Exposure is not a magic bullet. It may seem like it has made things worse but what chance did you have without exposure?

At least the people you exposed to can see that you are fighting for your marriage. If the chance of fixing your marriage was ruined by anything, it isn't exposure that did it.

I'm scared to go home. We where supposed to go to the movies tonight

You need to buck up. You haven't done damage, you've taken steps towards healing this mess. Go home and face what's waiting for you. Avoiding it is probably part of how your marriage got to this place.

I have an addictive personality too and I take ADs. It's okay. You need support right now. You won't get addicted but they can help you to the other side of this whether its reconciliation or divorce.

It's important that you present yourself as the better option. STAY CALM. Yes, you're hurting. Put that aside. Seriously. You too have done terrible hurtful things to your wife. Dwelling on your pain is not attractive and this is doubly so since you you betrayed her first.