SugerCane - I'm not trying to get "shirty"?!? with anyone. I do need to exercise more but, at least in the past, the better my health is, the stronger my libido has been. Counter-productive. What I have in mind is any way I can relieve my wife from the task of trying to placate my sexual desires all the time. In the past, we have had sex more often but it was an obvious effort on her part to satisfy me. She has acknowledged concern that if she didn't satisfy me, she fears I my wander. However, I have always tried to build her confidence in the strength of our relationship. She may still have some fear but I refuse to allow myself anything that would not be perfectly acceptable to her. I truly love and cherish my wife. I have no hidden agenda. I simply want to become more sexually compatible with my wife. She has done everything she can satisfy me. I want to make it easier for her to do that.

But what I'm asking you is - what do you have in mind? You haven't answered my question by simply repeating that you want to relieve her of her task.

You are being very difficult to help. You are asking us to read your mind and then getting "shirty" (a British word that is slightly more polite than "rude") when people try to guess what's on your mind.

If you've researched this subject and you haven't come up with any solutions, and if you know that the obvious "non sexual" answer - physical exercise - is counter-productive for you, and you reject our marriage building solutions because your wife is "asexual" and apparently was created without the basic human instinct to find pleasure in sex, then I'm at a loss to know how we can help you.

SugarCane - I don't have anything in mind. That's the problem. I would like to have something in mind but I can't think of anything. That is why I reached out in the first place.

The "basic human instinct to find pleasure in sex" is not as universal as you may think. Asexuality is statistically fairly common and completely normal. It is almost as common as homosexuality.

My wife is perfect. She is made the way she is and I would not change it. She would not be who she is if she were not asexual. All I want to do is find a way to become less sexual myself in order to spare her some of the physical and emotional demands of satisfying me sexually.

That's all.

Simple.

Is it too difficult to imagine someone wanting to be LESS sexual in order to please a loving spouse? She has done everything she can to become more sexual. I'm trying to meet her somewhere in the middle. It may not be perfect for either of us but better for both.

mrEureka - Concern for my wife is what has always motivated me. Asexuality is not a disease that can be cured. Taking my wife to the doctor to treat her for a root cause of her asexuality would be like taking myself to the doctor to treat me for the root cause of my sexual feelings toward her. It is a part of her as much as my sexual feelings toward her are part of me. There is nothing wrong with her being asexual. It is normal.

Did you know this about her before you married her?

So, what is it you want to hear from us?

Are you asking if it is acceptable to commit adultery if a spouse is asexual?

Can you be direct?

You should ask your doctor about this.

That's all.

Simple.

Gamma - I just saw your post.

My wife does have orgasms sometimes. Usually when she is physically in the monthly hormone "highpoint". She exudes pheromones to the point where it is nearly impossible for me to keep my hands off her. For her, the "highpoint" is barely noticeable. We have verified that she does not have low hormone levels.

She has never had any interest in sex other than to please me. Ever.

I like your steakhouse analogy. It hit home.

alis - As I have stated, several times now, anything my wife would not be happy with is not an option. Never has been, never will be.

I have had many opportunities to cheat on my wife. I was on the road as a service technician for several years and could have satisfied my urges easily without fear of disclosure. However, it would be impossible for me to do so because I love, honor, and above all, respect my wife. She is the best person I know.

SugarCane - Thank You.

BrainHurts - I knew she was not as sexual as me but neither of us knew she was asexual until more recently. It has been the only part of our marriage that isn't great. We were both searching for answers when we found some on-line tests for sexuality. She was not happy with the results but reality isn't always pleasant. The test results helped her realize that there wasn't anything wrong with her. They also helped me realize that her lack of sexual motivation was not a lack of love for me personally. Now, we are searching for ways to find an acceptable middle ground.

Self administered Online tests are typically worthless.

Has your Wife been diagnosed by a Psychologist or Psychiatrist as truly being asexual?

It's an easy rope to latch onto to look for nustifications and rationalizations though, which inhibits doing something about the lack of interest or enjoyment.

LTL

LearnedTooLate - I understand what your saying but if you knew my wife, you would see it too.

She has never been interested in "boys". Before anyone jumps to a conclusion, she has never been interested in "girls" either. All the male friends she had before we met thought she was a lesbian. The interest just isn't there. Never has been. Ever. She does not even have sexual thoughts or dreams. It is her normal.

She makes the effort to be abnormally sexual for me at times. I would like to make the effort to be abnormally asexual for her at times.

Have you thought about emailing Dr. Harley and having both you and your wife on the radio show?

Have you tried POJA?

This is simply not true, and you possess no expertise to arrive at such a conclusion on your own. Many people are successfully treated for low sex drive. Without even going to a doctor, you can not possibly know this as fact.

DGZ,

Does you W ever flirt with other people or exhibit sexual body language when with them or talking to them on the phone. My W does although she now believes she has no sex drive at all.

I would guess you can discount that your W has a secret second life, but it is sometimes surprising how often people are able to maintain a relationship on the side which is invisible to their spouse. Are there people she communicates with on a constant basis.

I understand some of what you are feeling when you W has no interest in you it can be painful to even watch kissing in a movie.

God Bless
Gamma

To whom does your wife exhibit "sexual body language", Gamma? And what does "sexual body language" mean? What does she do?

Is she having an affair?

Get in good enough shape to run marathon every weekend followed by an ice bath.
all you will want to do is sleep

No sir. It is not normal.
DR Harley would encourage her to consult a doctor to rule out a medical condition