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It's important that you present yourself as the better option. STAY CALM. Yes, you're hurting. Put that aside. Seriously. You too have done terrible hurtful things to your wife. Dwelling on your pain is not attractive and this is doubly so since you you betrayed her first. x 2 No matter how you slice it, you are/were a serial cheater. The reality is that your WW may simply be done. You can still Plan A her but you seem to think your words have weight with her...they don't.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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This is a message I sent her, because I feel like she will avoid at any cost talking about it.
I feel that I am willing to do all the hard work to fix our marriage. To meet your emotional needs and other needs the way that you need them meet. I know that comes to you with no hope that, that will actually happen because of the past and my past actions and inaction. I feel that our needs are both different and I have been lumping your needs with mine for years when they were different and not the same. I accept and realize that I have tried to get you to feel that your needs are the same as mine. And when you protested that they weren't I would punish you and attack you with DJ's. I have been an abusive husband for these actions and others and my inaction to see, accept and meet your emotional needs. I want to understand and learn how to meet your needs because they are different and special they are part of you and who you are. I love you for your heart and mind and always have. I know that I never showed you the way you need or wanted that. I feel that as long as you continue your affair that I can not truly meet those needs, because you are turning else where for them to be met. So I feel when I do attempt to met them they are not accepted as a sincere attempt to meet them. Your affair is truly hurting me very deeply in every accept of myself and life it's not only hurting me though. I am hurt and it hurts to think about,but I would like to talk about it and understand why it happened and learn what I could do in our marriage to help it not happen again. I feel that we use to have a connection and I take responsibility for us losing that it was my fault. I feel that we could have that again and it be deeper than it ever was. I accept that you don't trust me or what I'm saying. I feel that the first step to change is seeing and accepting and admitting your faults.
What do you guys and girls think. I also have asked her repeatedly to stop contact and that it was hurting me and our family. Given your prior affairs, honestly what you just wrote (especially the last sentence) would have royally ticked me off. Either you are willing to Plan A and NOT expect anything in return or you can continue to set yourself up for failure.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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One of her friends told me to put my needs and feelings aside like she has all these years. Maybe she needs this man right now to feel like a woman. And to support her by showing her and that it will take time for our marriage to heal.
I feel that is true about taking time to heal. But supporting her during her affair isn't right and gives no chance for our marriage to heal. Am I right in feeling that way?
Another couple that we are friends with told me that they lost all respect for me cause they feel that what I'm doing is wrong and that I'm playing games. And never message them again.
Another hasn't seen the message.
The last friend is thinking about what I have said and says she cares for me as well. And not to push her or try and control her. But doesn't know what to say.
I am trying not to push or control her and want her to make her own decisions. I pray and hope that the exposure helps but I feel very hopeless at this point.
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Thank you you are so right. I will buck up and be the man I need to be and present myself as the better option.
Should I bring up the affair or just let it rest at the moment. I have exposed and brought it up and asked her to stop contact? Should I just wait and see what she does?
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Your right they don't and I know that. I guess I just do the know how to show her my intentions are true. Or how I can meet any of her emotional needs as long as she is turning some where else. She hasn't turned to him physically yet this time. It's good that he lives three hours away.
Any advise? I need all I can get.
I was a serial cheater.
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I am willing to plan A it. I see what you mean about the last sentence. I was directing that about myself. But can now see how that could have been taken wrong.
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I would really think about seeing your doctor about ADs. Here is what Dr. Harley says. Since plan B (and plan A, for that matter), is extremely stressful for the betrayed spouse, I usually recommend that he or she ask a physician to prescribe anti-depressant medication to be taken throughout the crisis. This not only greatly reduces the suffering of the betrayed spouse, but it also helps keep a clear head at a time when patience and wise decisions are crucial. Anti-depressant medication does not numb the betrayed spouse to the crisis, it actually helps raise him or her above emotional reactions that would otherwise prevent clear-headed thinking. Why suffer and and make poor choices when anti-depressant medication can help ease your pain and improve your concentration in this time of unprecedented crisis?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Okay I have read and reread plan A and B ten times. But I have a few questions. Probably stupid questions.
I have exposed, I have expressed my commitment to address and fix our martial problems that have caused her to feel she needs to turn to someone else.
I have set a sixth month time limit for myself. And am going to the doctor Monday to get some AD mess to help me maintain my composure.
How do I meet her emotional needs now with her turning to someone else?
Also do I not bring up the affair or anything that makes her unhappy? When is it okay to bring this stuff up?
she has told me that she cannot commit to me or to not contact OM.
What would be the best thing for me to do at this point? I am kind of at a loss here at this moment.
So is it just waiting now to see if she will end things? I see that I should address the martial issues that lead to the affair and I know that they were because I wasn't meeting her emotional needs and committing love busters. She did fill out the QAs so I have that to go by.
how should I spend time with her? With all this going on it looms over like a dark cloud and I feel as though I'm walking on egg shells when ever we are together.
Last edited by bobcl; 01/03/15 08:58 PM.
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Don't bring up the affair.
If she brings it up, matter of factly say that you realize that "a monogamous relationship with a spouse is the only way to stay married and to have a truly intimate relationship. I figured that out."
Then get off the subject.
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Did that work?
Last night we went on a date and it seemed to go okay. She brought up the fact that I exposed her and that she thought that my actions were admirable. All I really said in return was that I will do everything I can to fix and fight for our marriage.
But not ten minutes after we got home she was on her phone and messaged OM. She left her phone out so I looked I didn't see the message because it was erased but I left it up so she could see that I seen it. But didn't say anything about it.
It hurt so very deeply that she did that after we had a good time.
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It's very hard not to bring up the affair when you see it going on.
I seen that she was emailing some one about renting a house from them. She asked to go see it, and said that she was interested for sometime this month. She hasn't said anything to me about this yet. That is very disheartening. I'm gonna try to get her to leave the kids with me I don't want them to go through this again.
Also she has been messaging OM this morning.
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It's very hard not to bring up the affair when you see it going on.
I seen that she was emailing some one about renting a house from them. She asked to go see it, and said that she was interested for sometime this month. She hasn't said anything to me about this yet. That is very disheartening. I'm gonna try to get her to leave the kids with me I don't want them to go through this again.
Also she has been messaging OM this morning. You should insist on her ending her affair, but don't fight about it. In spite of the suffering that an affair inflicts on a betrayed spouse, during this period of exposure he or she should try to make as many Love Bank deposits and as few withdrawals as possible. If you argue about the affair, you'll damage recovery. Insist on the unfaithful spouses complete separation from the lover (no contact for life), but don't fight about it. I call this strategy to end the affair Plan A. Read here How to Survive an Affair
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I have a few times and they turned into fights about what I have done in the past and that she felt that I was demanding her and trying to control her.
I asked one other time and we talked this time but she said that she couldn't do that. She said she needs him because he makes her feel safe and secure. And she doesn't feel that way in our marriage. So i dropped it after that because i felt as if i was going to blow up on her. Every time it comes up it seems as though it pushes her further into her affair.
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I set up her phone so that I can see when she is messaging him I can't see the messages though but I can see she is messaging him right now while I'm with our son at his hockey game.
She just simply refuses to end it and tells me it won't go anywhere anyways cause it not convenient.
She won't except that her actions are hurting everyone.
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She won't except that her actions are hurting everyone. No, of course she won't. She's in an affair. Her logic goes with the territory.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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I just can't seem to get her to end it.
I think I deposited some love units last night she did say it was fun.
Last night we did have a few to many drinks though and I had to help her to bed and I asked if she loved me and she said yes.
Then I looked at her and said you want things to work out between us don't you and she said yes.
but I don't see how that can happen if she refuses to end this affair.
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I feel like I just want to curl up in a ball and cry...
She has been messaging him for the last hour.
It's like a knife in my heart twisting around and around.
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I don't think that you need to torture yourself by constantly monitoring how much she contacts OM. With the way you can see when she's messaging can you automatically keep track of how much she does it? So you might be free to turn your attention to something enjoyable?
I know how awful it feels when your wife disregards you and your family in favor of OM. I used to pace back and forth between the windows in my house when my WW would go out until midnight for "a PTA meeting" (she really thought I was stupid). When she would do this stuff, or spend hours on her phone texting OM, I would stay busy with my kids and taking care of the house in order to distract myself from the pain. I also found exercise to be helpful.
I would try to not let her catch you crying. I think that would be very unappealing to her. It sounds like last night was good. That should motivate you but I would avoid bringing it up. From what I've read and seen, waywards will go back and forth from one moment to the next. Anytime she thinks about ending the affair she can only hold out for a while before the withdrawal sucks her back into it.
BH 31
Married 5 years
D day-10/8/14
Separated-10/27/14
1 DS3
1 DSS13
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Yeah I need to stop it's becoming an obsession just like her affair.
I do work out and I've been doing a lot of reading the last few days which seems to be helping.
I'm doing everything I can to be strong and not let her see me as a wreck these last few days.
I just wonder how long it will take for her to come to her senses.
When I had my affairs and I stopped denying it I ended them. I wanted to work things out but I didn't do the hard work that was my fault. I should have realized that the problems were deeper than just the affair.
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How long did it take for your WW to stop and end the affair?
How did you meet her emotional needs and other needs?
How did you deposit love units?
I'm not bringing it up by any means. It just seems to do no good and all she does is justify it and then run off to somewhere private message OM.
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