I can't really meet any of her emotional needs because she really won't talk with me. She always talking to OM. Or friends. I've tried to message her and she sees them she just doesn't respond. Nothing major or about affair just little stuff like how you feeling, did you get a chance to read your book. But I hear nothing instead she is to busy with OM.

I didn't mean represent my story as a success. So far things aren't too great. I'm not even sure the affair is over. OM is in the military and was ordered to not contact my WW though. She freaked out before that even happened and she moved out. Before she moved out I did deal with watching her involvement with her A become more important than anything else.

I try to meet ENs by giving undivided attention to her when we talk. I look for opportunities to deposit love units when I can. It doesn't happen very often though.

I don't have much advice for your situation but I do relate to watching your wife ignore her life in favor of an affair.

Okay I'm sorry about that. Thank you for your advice.

No problem. Just trying to let you know that you're not the only one dealing with stuff like this. I think it helps when BSs can help each other see that waywards use a pretty standard playbook.

Best of luck.

Bob what did her family and your family say to exposure? Is anyone willing to call her and tell her to end her affair?

Alternatively did you find any enablers in these camps who have said openly that they 'want her to be happy'? You need to draw these people out into the open and make them declare themselves to you.

The friends exposure went rather well, I thought. They won't be giving you any husband of the year awards in the near future but you have announced your debut as someone who is awake to all of this. They also seem very disapproving of affairs which is excellent news for you.

Was family exposure similar?

Does your wife know her affair is fully exposed to all?



You can't make any love bank deposits in Plan A! So don't worry about that. As long as you are attempting to meet needs and expressing that you are available for love bank deposits, she will remember this when the A is tanked.

Some men never get a single date or more than a few minutes with their wife throughout their entire Plan A!

It's a sprint, not a marathon and you need to exercise self care during this time.

I feel that I need to clarify everything that has lead my wife and I to where we are at this point. This is long

Well as I have stated I am a repeat offender of affairs 05 The year that my hungest was born and during her birth. and 10. I am also guilty of committing Love Buster against my wife and our marriage such as selfish demands, disrespectful judgements, Angry outburst, dishonesty, and independent behavior.

My wife has already worked through the marriage builders after my past affairs. I had worked on it some but never for the long haul like I shouldve. Thats on me for thinking everything would just work out on its own. That was selfish and childish.

About three years ago I started to see my oldest daughter from a high school girlfriend. She lived in St. Louis and I would go there to see her. Which made my wife feel uncomfortable and insecure in our marriage because of what had happened in the past with my affairs. I never really asked how it would make her feel or what I could do to make it a more comfortable sitution. I put that burden on her to deal with instead of on myself. My wife felt like something was going to happen and didnt want to sit around and watch and be treated like a door mat.

Well about 2 years ago my wife had started messaging this guy that use to be our neibhor for emotional support he was there for her during my last affair. It started as friendship and developed into an affair. She started to message him more and started to go see him in August of 2013 and had stayed the night with him when I thought she was actually at her friends. She again went to see him in Sept and stayed the night with him again. Which at this time I had started to suspect something because she was being very private with her phone at about what she was doing. Then my wife decided to move out and to move to another town. I eventually moved to the same town. I had seen some messages and some stuff hadnt added up so I asked at that point she had denied it and said they were only vaguley friends and didnt see each other. We had seen each other during this time of sepperation some. Well I discoverd her affair in the last week of Dec of 13 and was horrified. Well I didnt handle it well and started making demands and threats.

I asked my wife to go to marriage counseling and she agreed. We went one time in Jan of 14. We talked a lot after and I told her how I felt but didnt listen to how she felt. I gave pressured her to make a choice between OM or me and gave her a week to decide. At which time when the week had passed she told me that she couldnt be with me anymore. This was the last week in Jan of 14.

Well the that weekend my Ex from high school had contacted me to see if I would pick up our daughter for the weekend because she was having a hard time. I agreed so I picked up my daughter and took her to Memphis for the weekend. Her mom and I started talking this was the first contact that we had for almost a year and she asked me how I was doing and I started to spill my heart out because I felt so hurt and alone and needed to get it off my chest. This opened the doors for me to start having feelings for her. I started to make more trips to St. Louis to see my daughter and her. I started to feel something for this women. I told myself that it wasnt an affair and I justified it by telling myself that my wife didnt want to be with me anymore. I was wrong it was an affair.

One weekend That I had our kids I decided I would take them to St. Louis to see their sister and we went to the museum and then went over to her moms house to watch a movie and eat pizza. This was a big mistake on my part I had no right to bring our kids into this mess and I didnt ask how that would make my wife feel. My wife found out and was furious and we got into a big fight over it.

Well I started seeing OW in feb of 14 and my wife asked me I was reluctant to say anything at first but told her. She seemed okay about it but then was very upset about it all. We argued about it and I justified it by saying that its what your doing. But that didnt make it right.

Well one day my wife came up to work and we talked the whole time and then we all went to dinner as a family it was really nice. So I asked my wife if she would like to go out the next night and we did we seemed to have a lot of fun. We stayed the night together and talked a lot and we decided to get back together.

Well that day I went to St. Louis to end things which was a bad decsion. I went and told OW that I wanted to be with my wife because I love her and that this all hurt her and my family and that I didnt want to have any contact with her. she tried to talk me out of it. I continued to tell OW that the feelings we had exprienced were miss guided and werent real. She continued to to try and talk me out of it. Which made me lose respect for this OW. Which I spent the night in my tuck in St. Louis that night very stupid on my part. Also the fact of going there was the biggest mistake.

Well my wife and I got back together feb of 14 It was rocky at first because OW continued to contact me she would use my daughter and the guilt that I felt for not being there all those years against me. She would contact me in regard to my daughter. Well Finally With advise from my wife I told OW that are daughter was 19 and if she needed to contact me she could contact me on her own. During this time I was open about the contact. I blocked her on my phone so she couldnt message me then she started to message me by facebook which my wife seen then I blocked her on facebook. That nightmare was finally over.

Well things started to get better between my wife and I. We had a few problems falling back into the unheathly roles that we had had in our marriage but neither one of us wanted to do this. It was a struggle not to because that is what we knew for so long. And we got into a rut.

Well during this time my wife had gone out and stayed the night out 3 times overnight at her friends house and didnt bother to call me. I told her that it made me feel insecure and that I didnt trust it because it was the same friends she told me she was with when she was leaving to have the affair.
She said she was sorry and told me she would call but she didnt any of these times.

Well our son plays hockey and someone at the rink tried to requit him to play on the traveling team and I told him that I think he should. Some of the games where to be in St. Louis but it was set up that he would only play the home games which I thought would be good for him. He was invited to come play in St. Louis which I brought up to my wife with no consideration of how that would make her feel or talking to her about how she would feel about it. I should have just known that it would make her uncomfortable and insecure about our relationship seeing what just had happened. Well we went to the first game in Nov. of 14 out in St. Louis. I thought everything was good. But the fact is that my wife never felt safe and secure in our relationship to come to me about it. And why would she I just broke a promise to never go to St. Louis with out her.

About a week later I asked my wife if she would like to go out to the bar and have a few beers and play some pool. She couldnt because was watching the kids and said I should go.
So I went out to the bar and she messaged me about 12 asking if I needed a ride and I told her I was fine and that I had only had a couple of beers. Then the people I was playing pool with started drinking shots and I joined in and got really drunk. I ended up going over to there house but didnt remember it or even how I got home. When I finally got home at 3am in the morning my wife asked me where I had been and I told her that I had gone to the waffle house because I remebered going there because I was puking in the bathroom. She asked me a couple more times and I said the same thing. I should have really thought about it harder or tried to find out what I had done but I didnt I just went along my merry way. This also made her insecure and reinforced that maybe I was having an affair. So she left it alone but she had seen that I had been somewhere else because my phone actually maps where I was and how long I was there. After this my wife started to Message OM again and hid it from me. I had suspected something because she started to be protective of her phone again and she was messaging me less and the way she messaged me had changed. She seemed to like something was bothering her and that she wasnt feeling in love with me.

First weekend in Dec of 14 my son had another game in St. Louis and I asked my wife if she wanted to go which she didnt. So we went and on the way I deciced to ask my son if he wanted to see his sister which he replied yes so we made arrangments to pick her up at the commuter lot. We went to the game and I was messaging my wife during the game but didnt make any mention of picking up my daughter I withheld that information which was dishonest and not considerate of her in any way. After the game we had gone to lunch and then we took my daughter home at that time she told me she needed to be dropped off at OW (her mother) house. Which made me feel very uneasy and very angry with her about because she knew that I wanted no contact or even to go by her place in anyway. But I reluctantly dropped her off and then left with no contact but I showed up physically. So stupid!!!! We went to the second game and during that game I pressed my wife what was wrong. She went on to tell me she knew I was lying about were I had been that night I went to the bar. I told her that I wasnt and that I didnt remeber doing anything else or going anywhere. I lied by omision and deneil and I was adiment that I had gone anywhere else. Which then she told me that she had seen on that I had gone some where else by the tracker on my phone. I had told her I didnt remember that. And we argued about it.

The next day we argued some more about it and also about me picking my daughter up and dropping her off at OW house. Well my wife went to work and I was looking at her old phone and discovered that she had been in contact with OM and had been hiding it. I confronted her about it and she said she had been in contact with him since after the weekend I had gone out. So I started excusing her of having an affair and we argued for most of the day on the phone and then when she got home I diverted the real issue.

Well I found out where I had been that night I went to the bar. On that monday I found decided that I would go to the house I was and find out what happened I asked my wife if she wanted to come which she declined. So I went and came to find out I went there to try and fix something that is related to my line of work. They were mad about the fact that I showed up at there house and asked why I had been there. I asked my wife if she wanted to know which she told me no and that she wouldnt believe that I would tell her the truth.

With the issue with St. Louis I have found a solution for so that I can keep my promise to not go there anymore.

Well a couple nights ago we talked. I asked her about her messageing OM which she told me that she was sorry that it was hurting me but that they werent seeing each other and just messaging each other but it wasnt like that. Also she told me that he never made committments to her and that she trusted him were she cant trust me. I tried to negoiate with my wife. About working through the marriage builders books and handbook. She said she would do it but not enthusiasticly. then something came up so we couldnt keep talking. So last night I brought up some of what we talked about talked about stuff and it seemed to go pretty good over all. I had a few instances were I made selfish demands and a couple of idle threats that wasnt good and my wife pointed them out to me. Well I brought up that she said she would do it but not enthusiastictly and said that I thought it wouldnt be a good idea unless we both felt enthusiastically about it. She said that she had done this work and put everything into it before which is true. And that she didnt want to do it and be the only one to be working on it when I should be doing the hard work which she is right thats what happened in the past and I havent done anything to show her that it wouldnt be the same. Im the one that didnt fully get on board which Im am now but she has seen me make committments before and go all gunho for a short time and then just push it to the backburner. She also said that she was tired of waiting around to see if I would come through on my committments and actually do what I needed to do to change. She said that she felt like our marriage couldnt be saved but that she not God so she cant make that descision. She feels that the best thing for her would be to seperate. She told me that I was in the fog as well since it takes six months of no contact and I had just shown up in this OW front lawn. Which I can see that.

One thing that she told me last night was that I didnt see her for who she really was that I have this vision in my head that isnt true.

I see my wife as a strong, intellegent, hardworking, funny, caring, independent, forgiving and the most beautiful women in the world. She is a great mother and teacher to our three children. She has a lot of insight and self awhereness of herself and the people around her. She is truly the most amazing women I have ever known. She is my best friend in this whole world. I love her I want her to be happy no matter what.

I feel that there is still hope that we could have a good healthy marriage. I realize that it wont be easy though and there is a lot of hard work that I have to do to change myself and the way I have treated her in the past and present. That it would take a lot of work to change the unhealthy roles that we play in our marriage. I also realize that there is no quick fix and that it will take time.

What do you think? Im looking for honest answers. What do you think we should do?

I'm sorry but while ANY contact is on going she is a liar. I love you is just as much of a lie as I hate you until no contact and withdrawal from the drug of the affair.

I didn't realise you had sons? Where they exposed to?

The translated versions of your wife's fogbabble:

A) "I'm going to keep texting the man for cheap kicks and I want you over there on the backburner. I enjoy having my cake and eating it too and I will do anything (separation perhaps?) to avoid making a choice and it will also give me more freedom to sext and meet for sex which he is pushing for.

B) I will give up the drug some day but not today! I can quit anytime!

I agree with your wife that the best thing is for you to separate. Sorry but I do not see you being respectful or loving towards your wife.

I am not justifying her adultery but after your two affairs (one while she is pregnant), her doing the work to rebuild TWICE and then giving up because she was tired of being the only one invested in the marriage she turns to OM. To add insult to injury, when you found out about OM you did NOTHING to stop the affair. Instead you felt justified to go in for affair #3 and didn't think your wife was worth the effort. Sorry but that is a trifecta of FU if I ever saw one. Then you keep lying, deceiving her and breaking promises.

Even now, you would rather guilt her into staying with you then let her go.

x2

I think BlackRaven's point there is very important. The goal here is not a 'pick me' exercise but to bust up an affair where some scumbag is using the mother of your children.

When the A is bust up and she is free she may feel she done with cheating and ALL cheaters including you - but at least OM won't be part of your family.

Fighting the affair is however the best way to go. Don't lovebust your wife AT ALL during this time. You are in no position to judge.

Seen a type O when other women contacted me I wasnt open about it.

Maybe your right maybe that would be the best thing for her. But I did try to stop her affair and I did try to fight for her the whole time we were seperated until I found proof I tried to be there when every she needed me. But after I found out the affair I lost it and was lost in my feelings. I didnt do it the right way and felt hopeless and just gave up. She was worth fighting for and I had taken bad advice from friends and other people. Yes after I felt hopeless I did give up and had another Affair your right about that. And I was dishonest I see that. I also wasnt being loving after I found out. And I havent showed her the love she deserves your right about that. But I will not make that mistake again and will do everything I can in this world to fight for her and fix myself and our marriage.

Yes You are right I am in no place to make judgements or even demands. I will do everthing I can the right way this time and stop committing lover busters. I know that things are bad and that I dont seem like I could ever be good for her. But I cant stop fighting for her like I did in the past. I should have always been fighting for her. and done the hard work. I cant do anything about the past only the present and future. All of this has really opened my eyes and I have finally started to mature. All of the marriage builders stuff makes perfect sense to me now. I hope its not too late.

You are still being selfish and haven't listened to/learned anything since you got here.

Im not justifying anything that I have done in this marriage or after I found out about her affair I did everthing wrong and I realize that.

I acted like a child and instead of thinking about things I reacted in a negative.

I dont want to guilt her into staying.

Im willing to do the hard work and prove to her that Im committed to making this marriage good and loving in a healthy way for her and our family.

I apperciate the honest opinions thank you.

But that is what you have done since you got here. Your posts have been very much about you and your feelings vs your wife. People have advised you on what to do and you still do what you want regardless...trying to educate WW, telling her how much pain she is causing you, using UA to straighten her out with relationship talk, making veiled threats (I would kick your [censored] to the curb for that alone), etc. If you have any hope of getting her to change her mind about you...stop flapping your mouth, stop lying and stop dismissing her feelings.


You're welcome

Thank you that is great advice. And I have reread everything that has been posted and I have done the opposite very stupid on my part.

I am headed out the door but you also need to educate yourself about MB concepts and SAA. If all the affairs have not been exposed to your children, you need to do that...that also includes DD19. All the children need to be told about your A with DD19's mother and that you can not have ANY contact with this woman ever again. Don't sugar coat any of the damage done to your marriage. You have already nuked your marriage ten fold. Radical honesty and holding yourself accountable is a must not more cover up.

You should also expose to family members and friends that can offer support for you and/or WW. Be proactive.

What is MB and SAA I can't seem to find them.