It doesn't matter WHY she is unhappy about it, you SHOULD STOP DOING THINGS THAT MAKE HER UNHAPPY.


If you have a problem with anger you need to attend anger management.

I resent her for it. Is that better?

Your resentment is not the problem here. Her resentment is the problem. You shouldn't be doing anything to which she doesn't enthusiastically agree. Marriages in which the spouse REFUSES to use the policy of joint agreement don't make it.

I would stop this immediately until you can reach a decision that is MUTUALLY desirous to you both. Stop rubbing salt into the wounds.

The worst type of resentment comes from FORCING your spouse to accept something that makes her unhappy. You can see that your wife is seething with resentment. Why would you want to fan those flames? I don't get it.

from Effective Marriage Counseling pg 112-113

What about Resentment?
One of the most common objections to to the POJA is that it creates resentment when it is followed. I agree; it does usually create some resentment. But far more resentment is created when it is not followed. An illustration will make this important point.

George is invited to watch football with his friend Sam. He tells his wife, Sue, that he plans to accept the invitation. Sue objects.

If George goes ahead and watches the game, he's guilty of independent behavior. He is not following the POJA and Sue will be resentful. When George does something against the wishes of Sue, I call her resentment type A.

If George follows the POJA and doesn't accept Sam's invitation, then George will be resentful. When George is prevented from doing something because of Sue's objections I call this resentment type B.

Which type of resentment makes the largest love bank withdrawals: type A or type B? The answer is type A, and thats why the POJA helps build love bank balances. I'll explain.

When G violates the POJA, Sue has no choice but to feel the effect of the thoughtless decision [love bank withdrawals] for as long as memory persists - possibly for life whenever the event is recalled. But when George follows the POJA, the negative effect is limited in time. It only lasts as long as it takes to discover an enjoyable alternative that is acceptable to Sue.

George lets Sue know how disappointed he is with her objection but is willing to discuss other options. Sue wasn't invited to watch football and doesn't want to invite herself to Sam's house so she suggests inviting Sam and his wife to their house to watch football. George calls Sam, he and his wife accept, and the new activity puts an end to George's type B resentment.

Type A resentment can last forever, but type B resentment stops the moment a mutually enjoyable alternative is discovered. Those with poor negotiating skills may have trouble seeing the difference because they have not learned how to resolve conflicts. They may feel resentment about a host of issues that have been unresolved in their marriage. But after you teach a couple to negotiate successfully, unresolved issues are minimized. Then it becomes clear to them that the POJA helps build Love Bank balances by eliminating type A resentment.

She puts my job and the gym in the same category. They are both time that I get away from the house when she doesn't, she knows that they are essential to the well-being of the family/me, and she knows there is no rational reason for her resentment. But she never misses an opportunity to turn that against me.

In our heated discussion two nights ago I mentioned a colleague that had just quit for the sake of his family right after receiving a big promotion. I told her that sounded pretty darn reasonable right now, and I'd be willing to sacrifice whatever I needed from my career to make things work. She wouldn't have any of it. She knows I'm getting close to the same promotion and wants me to continue to do good things at work regardless of what happens to us.

I can't go to the gym. Her words this morning would tear me apart every minute I'm there. But she also wouldn't accept being responsible for ripping out my soul, which is what that would do.

Your comment is an extremely disrespectful excuse to justify independent behavior. If your exercise routine - or your job for that matter - interfere with your marriage, you need to change that.

Your exercise is not "essential to your well being" if it is destroying your marriage. It is this kind of attitude that explains why your marriage is in such a dire state.


Way to punish your wife for telling asking you to stop doing things that make her unhappy. That is double punishment. All you are saying here is that her feelings mean less to you than your gym membership.

Your approach to your wife is extremely disrespectful and if you want to transform your marriage, you will have to change this.

Like I have suggested NUMEROUS TIMES, to no avail, the place to start here is the book Lovebusters. Have you bought the book? Are you listening?

Instead of lovebusting and punishing your wife for taking her complaints to you, how about using that energy to find a way to exercise that would make her happy? For example, how would she feel about you working out at home after the kids are in bed at night? I have my own little gym upstairs and do my workouts on a schedule that suits my husband.

Your wife is so withdrawn right now, she is the angriest female I have seen on here.

So you can decide, if your soul is in the gym or in your marriage.

I am a former athlete. When a bad childbirth ruined me, I was very resentful of Mr. Alis being able to do what I couldn't in the gym. Our solution was to put it off entirely. 2 years later as the kids grew up and I healed, we fill plenty of UA in the gym together.

We are not fat or unhealthy, and our marriage is great.

So you can sit here and tell us you want to save this marriage or you can SHOW it. Your actions do not match your words.

I SAID I'm not going.

The problem is that she's acting on pure spite and she knows it. If I gave up either my job or the gym, she'd hate herself for that too.

I used to train 4-6 hours a day... It was never my SOUL, my spouse was always more important.

Really, spite?

She told you it was resentment. I know how that felt. It most certainly makes sense it is resentment.

You said YOU are resentful you can't go, how would you feel if you had health issues and had to take the kids all day - and couldn't go, while she DID. You'd be pretty resentful too!

Step into her shoes!

I am more worried that you will hate yourself for your YEARS of thoughtless behavior by going to the gym when you *KNEW* it made her unhappy.

Can you forgive yourself for inflicting your thoughtless, independent behavior on her for YEARS?

Do you hate yourself for making your wife miserable?

Can I help you with some redemption? I don't want you to hate yourself and have some ideas on making amends.

But it doesn't matter if I'm at the gym, flipping burgers, saving babies from malaria, or whatever. It is the time outside of the house that she resents. There is literally no arrangement that would remove the resentment. She is incredibly proud of the work I do, but then will take the next opportunity to stab me with guilt for the time I'm there (and I don't spend long days in the office). I've been trying for years to find a way to give her more free time (part of the reason I'm supporting her home business unconditionally), but she always finds a way to weasel out, even in the best of times. Our youngest will start pre-school in the fall, so that will help tremendously.

I'm in a Catch-22. There is no POJA here.

Stop doing anything that makes her unhappy. What you have done by ignoring her feelings is created incompatibility and deep resentment. You want to fix your marriage? Then stop it.


Her desire for free time will be largely eliminated via UA time. If you follow the program, your dates and time alone will become her main refuge. That will become her place of peace and relaxation.

People who are not used to following the POJA tend to think in very black and white terms. Becoming skilled in the POJA means thinking outside of the box. You have to put aside anything that makes either of you unhappy and look for other options.

Can you answer?

Actually, 5x, you never miss an opportunity to tun her feelings against her. You are using her attempt to empathize with you, by admitting that it doesn't seem rational, against Her. Can you see that? Tricky, huh

It doesn't matter whether it's rational or not. This BOTHERS her. And your repeated attempts to convince her she is illogical, just so that you get to keep going to the gym is a form if bullying, AKA abuse and control, AKA a Disrespectful Judgement/ Selfish Demand in covert form.

This is an example of how you aren't yet following the program. In order to eliminate love Busters, you will need to read the book. Do you have it?

Most of us are blind to our own habitual busters. You are not the exception. And neither is your wife. (Do NOT mention that to her.) However, your repeated dimissals and sarcastic flying word bullets are so painful to your wife, that after your repeated dismissals of "kiss off honey, because you are crazy and irrational" repeatedly, her nerves are FRIED.

Have you read the definition of the POJA? Never be the cause of your wife's unhappiness. You can start protecting your wife's mental and physical health today, by not going to the gym and instead, relieving some of the family business pressure off of your ailing wife. There must be something your can do to help.

Also, Would you please eliminate the complaining about her wanting to divorce, and accept that her telling you this, could be her one last labored breath of saving this marriage?

Sorry, that post took me a LONG time and now it seems redundant with the others which have shown up in the meantime.

That was a great post!

Not once have we had a conversation even remotely like that. Never. She will complain about my time at work and then complete sentence herself explaining how that request isn't logical and it would be selfish of her to ask me to do anything about it. It would DESTROY her if I quit my job on her behalf. Maybe not as extreme for the gym, but this isn't an argument we are having, it is one she is having with herself.