17 signs of affair: can they all be false-positive?
Hey there.
I and my boyfriend have been together about 7 years in exclusive relationships. We are not married. What qualifies me to post on the marriage builders web site? I guess we were building our marriage all this time and came very close to being married at some point, but then relationships became unstable. We were not able to move in together due to the financial considerations, but were in agreement that the rules and expectations of the marriage should apply to our relationships. He kept his own place to live, but was spending most of his time at my house, and we were spending together all our time off. We have no children together, but he was helping raising my child from the previous relationships from the early age. He had difficulties finding a job that would meet his skills level, therefor he had no stable income and I could not support three of us, so we did not move in together. With time he started working more and eventually filled his entire schedule with work in entertainment field.

He was always working in entertainment. But last two years he became exposed to a lot of attention and opportunities to meet new people. In artistic environment, after work �get together,� parties, happy hours, and celebrations are very common. At first, he was inviting me to every party, or would call me to come out if they were going to have drinks after work. But with time, I started to notice the Facebook comments, pictures or posts about things he did not tell me, places I was not invited, people I was not introduced to.

I had very busy schedule and could not attend all the social events that he was attending, simply because I had to work and I have a child. I would need a childcare arrangements to get out, so I could not get up and go to the party spontaneously.

He has a group of friends with whom he works, several of them female and some are young and beautiful. We are middle age. He spends a lot of time at work, blaming it on his work schedule. In the past- even if he worked late, he would call me soon as he is out and come to my place. Lately he would just go home, and often would not even call when he gets home.

He always talked about integrity and commitment and told me that he has a great reputation and would never compromise it by doing something stupid like having affair. Sex is not his main priority. He likes to be a center of attention and be popular.

I did not think he was physically involved with another woman- I thought- all this just an attention seeking behavior, but recently I got feeling that something may be going on.

**EDIT**

We did not have a chance to spend much time together in the last 6 months as we used to, and I was waiting for the holidays to catch up and improve our level of closeness. We spent Christmas eve and day together, then he went back to work for few days, and on the New Year, he came up with mysterious illness, told me he will be sleeping and did not come to celebrate New Year with me. The next day his friends posted pictures of him in the park on January 1st with few of the women from work. That is while I was worrying that he is sick and calling to check on him. And now he is not talking to me because I am mean. This is very out of ordinary, because normally he would call me every hour till we would make up. I do not know what to make out of it and what to do now. My family says that I should use this opportunity to kick him out of my life and move on, but I do not know what to do. I want the relationships to work, but I am not willing to put up with his �work schedule.� Any advice will be appreciated.

This man was never serious about committing to you and appears to have moved on. I suggest you expect commitment - marriage - before thinking that marriage applies, especially with a child.

Full commitment would be nice, however, in some circumstances you would not want to get married legally. Financial considerations some time take priority over romantic. Also I am grateful I did not marry him, because getting married does not change anybody. People known to live happily ever after without being officially married, and others do not make it even with the contract. I do not see how marriage contract would keep him from wanting to spend time with friends and having good time. It would just make it much harder to start over.

Now I would agree- in his forties, he is still wants to live a lifestyle of 20 years old. He wants to be a center of attention, have many friends, build career in entertainment- all those dreams most of us grew out of. I do not believe he moved on- it would be too easy- he is likely to be back again, wanting to have relationships with me and freedom of doing everything else when I am not around.

Theocracy, you might want to read this article as it explains why shacking up is so different from marriage. Sure, there are many marriages that are renters relationships, however, ALL living together relationships are renters relationships that rarely last. Living Together Before Marriage:Compatibility Test or Curse?

I would add the book "Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders" to your reading list. It explains the dynamics of relationships much better than the popular media-influenced model you are presently working with.

Thank you for the article. I never heard this exact point being verbalized before: we do have a problem of making decisions that would benefit us as a couple. He says- he wants to go on tour, join theatrical support team, be on Broadway�I ask him, what would happen with us and our family. He has no answers. He says, �What would you do if I was in the military?� When we started, we had common goals. Now he got dreams and fantasies that do not include us. Another interesting point this article makes is that relationships can get worse after the marriage. I never thought of this. I thought- marriage would improve relationships, because every person has dream standards of how they want their marriage to be, and would act according to that standard. For example- I may not cook daily or do laundry for the boyfriend but I would for a husband. I would think my BF has imagined dream marriage model that he would like to have one day and he would act according to that dream. Also- he never shared that dream with me. I still believe- marriage contract protects the couple in some way, and if we can keep it together for years without legal and financial obligations, it should be easier to do it under protection of law.
Is there an article about how long a couple can date before they start damaging their future marriage? We did not really cohabited. He never stayed overnight- may be few time due to not being able to drive home. He would stay till 2 am and then go home. We never slept together in the bedroom. I get to cook for him and do the dishes, and we eat out almost daily. So I guess- we are far from married couple- what in the world am I thinking???
My point is- I like to have a real family like everybody else. For some reason, it is so easy for some people, but not for us. He used to want to have a family, now he wants to go on tour. Seriously? I am thinking- 5 more years and he will get over it. But I am not willing to live like this another 5 years. It is not getting better, it getting worse, so what are we building? I explained to him that I need a partner to share responsibilities. He says- this is why he never had any children� He is great with my child when it comes to play or take him to museum. But when it comes to miss his fun work to babysit- he is not available.
But the real issue is, what now? He is not talking to me. I will not talk to him. And then what? Just the other week we were happily together celebrating Christmas. I did not see it coming regarding the New year- he never done anything like this. I do not know what to think. This is first time in 7 years we did not talk more than 24 hours.

You have no hope in a relationship with a band member.
Work should be made to complement the marriage.
Your boyfriend want s you to complement his career

I would not say there is no hope for a person in the band. That is an extreme statement. I know many musicians happily married.

The problem is not his job. I can handle him being in entertainment and the fact that his job does not sound like a job. The problem is that he is surrounded by the young cute women. Which I can handle IF he acts appropriately. And until recently, things were tolerable. Yes, he was working late, yes, he was having drink or two with friends, but I did not feel- there was something going on.

Recently he started to spend more time with them, lost interest in me, constantly starts arguments or does something he knows I will not like, and then blames everything on me, saying I am mean. Not showing up for the New Year eve is pretty big deal. I have been shopping, cooking all day for us, while he went to eat with his friends, had several drinks earlier in the day, and ended up sick with the Flu. So I am a bad guy because I argued that I want to come over to his apartment and bring him food, so he would not be alone on the New Year. I dont know if he left later, I dont know where he spent the night, and why he was seen in the park with some of these girls on January, 1st, when most people are with their families. This is strange behavior. I need to know why he did this. Sure I can ask him, but we dont talk. And I like to know if I should talk to him ever or tell him we are moving on. If you read the 17 signs article, almost every sign is positive in one way or another. I can even tell who would be a candidate. He does not see a need to have boundaries- he says- they just working together. I need to know if there is something else. Does it sound like a red flag to you, that he disappeared on NY eve? Isn't it one of huge warnings?

The problem *IS* the job. That is not a job that complements marriage; it is a job that will destroy it. This is like saying you can handle him going drunk driving IF he drives appropriately.

Being a musician is a career that is a marriage killer. We have tried to help many such marriages over the years and I can't think of one that worked out.

I've heard Dr H say it's possible with some but those are cases where the spouse travelled too.

I'm sure they were case s where travelling was agreeable to both.

If the job is more important than the spouse then the spouse will never be a priority.

I'm not sure what your argument is, OP. This guy isn't your husband, isn't your child's father, doesn't live with you, doesn't call, lies, parties with other women, it sure sounds like he has broken up and moved on.

Your standards are low if this us something you want to continue. You have a child. Why are you arguibg about some article instead of seeing actions right in front of you?

Ha ha, Melody, I did not know you are that funny. I will use your analogy.

I specialize in dating musicians, this is why I still single/divorced at my age. Musicians are not that bad. They play, they pack, they go home. My BF is not interested in being musician any more. He joined circus. Ok- it is not circus. It is more classy, but still. He really struggled to find a real job. This is first time when he started earning income. When I tell his family that I have a problem with his lifestyle, they say, "At least he has a job". Now he has real big dreams to take over the industry and make changes in the state's art district.

And you are right- this environment is not good for the family. He is surrounded by pretty girls that have to audition to be there. I am middle age, I do not get prettier daily.

We could probably work together, because we share similar skills- I am arty too. But to my amusement- he sees me as a competition. He does not want to compete with me- he wants to be the only one with such skills. So he tells everybody that I am difficult to work with, that I always yell at him, if we have argument, he would stand in the circle of his friends and let them hear my voice coming from his phone, saying, "See how she is!" He created me a reputation to assure that I will not take his projects. I was looking for somebody arty to share our interests. It was supposed to be something we would do together. For him- it must work better to be single than to have a girlfriend watching him.

Till recently I could trust him. Something changed- I can not put my finger on it. I remember years of loyalty and closeness, and great relationships (minus fights- we do argue a lot). But we used to be very close. Not long ago.

Alis, I guess, to me- it makes some difference if he did or did not have intimate relationships with somebody else. It really is not that bad. According to him- he does not do all the above. He just works long hours and then he is tired. Is it so unusual to have a drink with co-workers? Please, tell me. He says- everybody does this, and I am the only one having problem with it. The3y just eat lunch during the break, or they just go for a drink as a group. Should I expect him to tell his friends, "I am sorry- I am not hungry- I have to go home, my girlfriend is waiting"? He does that too. This is all new for us. He only has this job for 6 months. I do not want to give up everything in favor of his friends. This is exactly my point- I do not know where my boundaries and expectations should be.

Run!

He did not suddenly get the flu at new year's eve. He got an invitation of some girls and thought that would be more fun than to be with you. And because you would not be thrilled to hear that, he made up this excuse that he was going to bed with his flu.

Please wake up. He is not the man you think he was, if he ever was. It must be very unsettling, having been his girlfriend for so long, to see him putting you and your son aside to what he apperently sees as an upgrade.

This will no change unless he chooses to change, which does not sound likely.

I appreciate your replies. We always were perfectly looking couple because we match by look and have common interests. And relationships were tight, minus the arguing- we both stubborn.

This New Year eve sounds like isolated incident. He has no history of being unreliable. He never left me hanging and waiting for him before- not in major events.

He started talking about being sick a day before. He also said- there many parties we could of go, and I told him- if he wants to go to the party- we dont have to stay home. He usually takes me with him, because I am very open minded about him networking and socializing. I have my interests and goals and it works out fine, so he had no reason not to take me to the party, unless there was more than a party. I dont want to read in to it and add more than it is to it. He was at work. He went to have lunch with "them". He had few drinks (for lunch!!!) and felt worse by the time he went home. He was home at a time we spoke- he sent me pictures of his bedroom. What I dont know is what happened after he slept. Did he get up? Did he go out? Did he invite somebody to his place? He said- he had fever and felt soooo bad- he could not even talk to me, and this is why he did not want me to come over for the new year with food (that I made for us). He did not call at 12 am, and he did not call in the morning. As a good girlfriend I called the next day to check on him, and he had an attitude, telling me he does not want to talk because I yelled at him. I have yelled at him in the past many times and hang up on him- that night I did not really say anything extraordinary. And he still not calling me- it has been 5 days. As I said- that is never happened before. So he acts like I did something to him, and this is why he went out with these girls, because he needed support. What ever. I dont know. I just know that it is scary feeling to start all over. I am thinking- why in the world he has done something that stupid- it really did not worth all the drama. I feel forced to make decision now. We were not planning to make any decisions at this time. We did not talk about breaking up- everything was fine. This is again- weird.

You sound like a very smart woman. Why don't you find someone to love that would be a good match? Why choose a miserable life when there are so many good guys out there?

He is cute.

I have hard time find nice guys or being attracted to the nice guys. My first husband was nice, I did not appreciate it, and was miserable through our entire marriage. My boyfriend is good looking 6"2 tall guy with a talent. He also narcissistic and opinionated. But all together he is nice guy. I see where he is coming from with all his struggle with employment. It is hard to make living in arts. I would struggle too if I did not grow up and change my profession. Now he is living his dream, while I struggle with boring hard job and he gets to say, "this is because you abandoned your dreams". I dont know how much I can transform in to someone else to learn to love average regular boring men. I dont know if I can be stimulated without drama and intrigues. We live in small area- it is nothing like metropolitan lifestyle. Arty people can be counted easily- everybody knows everybody. And everybody going to think- I got dumped again by this great guy who everybody likes, because I am crazy, difficult and unbearable. Good guys in what sense? Most good guys, like doctors, professors, educated men already married. If they become available- there is a waiting list. The once that available usually have no job, future, have bad credit, smoking, drinking, like to date men, have baggage, criminal background or all of the above. Many single women searching around waiting for guys to become available. It is not like when we were 20 and there were lots of choices.

You are not trying hard enough. There are LOTS of interesting, fun guys out there who have good jobs and are great marriage material. I don't know where you get this idea that the ones who are good marriage material are boring. Better to be alone than with a loser.

He does not think he is a loser. He thinks now that he got a job, he can do better than me! lol. We had some difficult times while I was going through the school- I was stressed most of the time- he had to put up with all the irritability and frustration-he got tired of me. I don't blame him- I got tired of me. lol. Things were supposed to get better...

I agree- I am not trying hard to find good guy- I was in relationships. He told me if I cheat on him, it will be over. I believe him. See- I had some questionable background... But I was trying very hard when I was young to find right man and failed over and over again, getting in dead end relationships. He is actually the longest committed relationships I ever had.