she knows that they are essential to the well-being of the family/me, and she knows there is no rational reason for her resentment. But she never misses an opportunity to turn that against me.

In the final analysis, disrespectful judgments represent an effort to force our spouses to give us what we want in marriage, but it's often cleverly disguised. Instead of making an outright demand, we present our problem as if it were really our spouse's personal shortcoming. We try to "straighten out" our spouse in an effort to get our way.

At the time we rationalize our disrespect by convincing ourselves that we're doing our spouses a big favor, to lift them from the darkness of their confusion into the light of our superior perspective. If they would only follow our advice, we tell ourselves, they could avoid many of life's pitfalls-and we would also get what we want.

A disrespectful judgment occurs whenever one spouse tries to impose a system of values and beliefs on the other. When a husband tries to force his point of view on his wife, he's just asking for trouble. When a wife assumes that her own views are right and her husband is woefully misguided -- and tells him so -- she enters a minefield.

In most cases, a disrespectful judgment is simply a sophisticated way of getting what one spouse wants from the other. But even when there are the purest motives, it's still a stupid and abusive strategy. It's stupid because it doesn't work, and it's abusive because it causes unhappiness. If we think we have the right -- even the responsibility -- to impose our view on our spouses, our efforts will almost invariably be interpreted as personally threatening, arrogant, rude, and incredibly disrespectful. That's when we make sizable withdrawals from the Love Bank.

Not once have we had a conversation even remotely like that. Never.

She will complain about my time at work and then complete sentence herself explaining how that request isn't logical and it would be selfish of her to ask me to do anything about it. It would DESTROY her if I quit my job on her behalf. Maybe not as extreme for the gym, but this isn't an argument we are having, it is one she is having with herself.

The gym thing is easy. You can cut that out now.

Agreed. Sadly.

Can you answer?

Agreed. Sadly.

Agreed. Sadly.

Or you could say happily, to help her realize I am committed to improving this marriage.

You see, it seems every time you say you are willing to do whatever it takes, youve got your fingers crossed behind your back.

This is why she feels unsafe, doesn't truly believe you, and doesn't trust.

Not once have we had a conversation even remotely like that. Never. She will complain about my time at work and then complete sentence herself explaining how that request isn't logical and it would be selfish of her to ask me to do anything about it. It would DESTROY her if I quit my job on her behalf. Maybe not as extreme for the gym, but this isn't an argument we are having, it is one she is having with herself.

She puts my job and the gym in the same category. They are both time that I get away from the house when she doesn't, she knows that they are essential to the well-being of the family/me, and she knows there is no rational reason for her resentment. But she never misses an opportunity to turn that against me.

In our heated discussion two nights ago I mentioned a colleague that had just quit for the sake of his family right after receiving a big promotion. I told her that sounded pretty darn reasonable right now, and I'd be willing to sacrifice whatever I needed from my career to make things work. She wouldn't have any of it. She knows I'm getting close to the same promotion and wants me to continue to do good things at work regardless of what happens to us.

I can't go to the gym. Her words this morning would tear me apart every minute I'm there. But she also wouldn't accept being responsible for ripping out my soul, which is what that would do.

I was her hero for 15 years and I've only been a monster for less than 4 months (and somewhere in-between for 8 months). In five years it will definitely be easier for her to remember the 15 years. I just need to give her a reason to forget the present.

One of the things I will be advising her to do is complain more confidently and less apologetically. She does it out of concern for your feelings but it's confusing you and making you grab at the get out clause.

Drama queen alert!

Part of the problem is she hasn't given me her lovebusters. She mentioned that it is mostly annoying habits (I know I cough too loud, but I don't have a cold now). But, she would never put the gym and work on the list because she considers those to be selfish requests on her part (again, I did NOTHING to bring her to that conclusion). There is nothing else that would fall into the reluctant agreement category (porn is gone, but she won't realize that for a while). I really can't think of anything else that she would put on the list (I can believe there might be AH, I just don't know what they are).

But, she would never put the gym and work on the list because she considers those to be selfish requests on her part

Agreed. Sadly.

That is so far from what has been posted that you are either delusional and/or are looking for a quick fix to 15+ years of crud. Even prior to marriage you weren't her hero but she still married you.

What is it about your job that bothers her?

What can be done about your feelings of anger which is the top reason your wife cannot do UA?

How pleasant has your demeanour been to be around on a scale of 1-10? Are you putting effort and energy into projecting a caring and calm demeanour?

Agreed. Sadly.

The worst type of resentment comes from FORCING your spouse to accept something that makes her unhappy. You can see that your wife is seething with resentment. Why would you want to fan those flames? I don't get it.

from Effective Marriage Counseling pg 112-113

What about Resentment?
One of the most common objections to to the POJA is that it creates resentment when it is followed. I agree; it does usually create some resentment. But far more resentment is created when it is not followed. An illustration will make this important point. ....


Type A resentment can last forever, but type B resentment stops the moment a mutually enjoyable alternative is discovered. Those with poor negotiating skills may have trouble seeing the difference because they have not learned how to resolve conflicts. They may feel resentment about a host of issues that have been unresolved in their marriage. But after you teach a couple to negotiate successfully, unresolved issues are minimized. Then it becomes clear to them that the POJA helps build Love Bank balances by eliminating type A resentment.

I didn't know where the lines were, and she let me get waaay past them before she was willing to admit there is a problem.

Not really. In our second or third therapy session last Spring she proudly announced that it was the first time she had ever allowed herself to get angry with me. Obviously, this is a big part of the problem we are facing. I didn't know where the lines were, and she let me get waaay past them before she was willing to admit there is a problem.

Hmmm, that analysis casts the gym discussion in a new light...

[edit] That is what she said, but she must have been referring to post-marriage, because there were those incidents in our first year.