Then your problem will solve itself because cousin-slag entered on a the visa waiver scheme on which she is not permitted to work so they will quickly starve. She will have to leave at the end of 90 days and will not be able to return for at least 90 days. If she visits more than twice in one year and she will be refused entry even as a tourist.

Even if you and your wife divorce (I hope you don't) and she marries cousin-slag it will be another three years or so before she can get a spousal greencard. The fling will be long dead by then.

By the way, if cousin-slag has any kind of criminal record, you can prevent her from setting foot in the country ever again by reporting fraudulent use of the visa waiver scheme.

But just a few days ago you said this.


So have you spoken to them?

Yes. I have communicated with them. They have been told and are still supportive of the affair.

They actually really like me but apparently "love is love" and damn the collateral damage and the ultimate futility of this relationship.

On another note, why does everyone say that lesbian affairs are so fragile?

I am not doubting it, but I keep hearing that on MB but I can't figure out the elements of why.

I am not discounting my own actions that made this affair possible. I struggled with anxiety and depression, never made her feel special (other than supporting her kids, family and business). I am relatively unemotional and she described me as "the most unselfish person I have ever known."

Funny, I thought love was all about unselfishness and considering other people, especially your spouse, above your own needs.

I know I screwed up, but this reaction is just so over the top. I do expect it to end now that they are living together. I just don't know what happens after that. I suppose it is possible that they will stay together longer term, but I can't imagine that happening.

Dr Harley is the clinical psychologist who founded Marriage Builders and this has been his clinical experience with lesbian affairs:

I'm in a similar situation. In lesbian relationships, 3 years is considered long-term. They are notoriously volatile. Even on lesbian forums they'll tell you 1 year in a lesbian relationship is like 7 years in a heterosexual relationship. The old joke "What does a lesbian bring to their second date? A U-Haul truck" holds true in my wife's case. I believe the study Dr. Harley cites says that the average lesbian relationship lasts for 2 years. When you add the dynamics of an affair to that it's bound to fail sooner than the average affair.

Yeah, I suppose I should get some professional council from Dr. Harley on this.

Logic tells me that this is an affair with all its baggage and unrealistic expectations. What I need to do is figure out what I need to do to change my own behaviors so that either in this relationship (or another one if she insists on divorce), I don't make the same mistakes.

She has unrealistic expectations of a relationship. I had poor skills in meeting her needs. In retrospect, it was bound to blow up. I just wish the reaction didn't involve her 20 year old lesbian cousin.

Dr. Harley discussing lesbian affairs here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=1220#

He is not in private practice anymore. He has a couples online program for couples and he has a radio show. You can get free advice from him if you email his radio show. You can decide if you want to go on his show or he can just answer your questions via email. Just go to the radio link above.


We can help you with this.


What are her unrealistic expectations?

Not to thread jack, but thank you for that, Melody. I hadn't heard that one.

You are very welcome!

That was actually a quote from my therapist. My wife defines herself through other people fully meeting her every need. When they don't, she gets hurt, disappointed and unfulfilled.

I totally admit to screwing up on the emotional side of the house. I kept giving and giving (she even said to me, you are the most unselfish person I have ever known), but my "love language" was Acts of Service. Hers was physical touch and..well..basically all the other ones.

I gave and I gave everything. supported her business with money, time and watching kids, bought a house with her parents so that we could help take care of them, loved her children as my own, worked to provide so that she could focus on growing her business. She had a miscarriage a year ago october and that seemed to be a "bell" going off in her head. She just wants to "live life" now and not "miss out" on anything, whatever that means.

She said she fell out of love with me months ago. 3.9 years is a pretty short amount of time to do that.

People get married to get their needs met so this makes perfect sense. Most therapists don't understand the dynamics of what makes a marriage works so they have unrealistic ideas about marriage. For example, people fall in love when their needs are met for a certain amount of time each week. Therapists don't understand how that works.


The REASON your wife fell out of love is because you were not meeting her intimate emotional needs for 15+ hours per week. But it also sounds like you were giving her unconditional, sacrificial love:




The reasons for that could be:

1. she met someone who met her needs better than you

2. you were not spending 15+ hours per week meeting each others intimate emotional needs

3. you were lovebusting her

Which of those do you think apply?

As far as lovebusters go, independent behavior for sure. She said "you never let me take care of you". I struggle with depression and anxiety and I never wanted to trouble someone else with my problems.

We absolutely didn't spend enough time together and certainly not 15 hours. She said at the end that "I found my emotional outlet at the barn" where she has a business. Unfortunately, I kept enabling that behavior because I thought that was what she wanted.

The cousin came last summer and I think she saw in her her own youth (they look a lot alike). She had a bad first marriage where she always said she "lost her youth". She is partying like a rock star these days and has largely abandoned all her responsibilities at the big house with her parents. Her business is suffering because she isn't doing it well. The cousin is her reliving her youth and getting her emotional/physical needs met. This year it all came to a head.

Sir,

Don't go to a therapist to discuss your marriage.
You will not find good guidance

Yeah, it was necessary at the beginning as I needed someone to talk to about this. Now I just focus on my own emotional problems at my sessions.

I am committed to keep trying for my marriage. Hopefully, you all can help.

Just to add to the pile, we would be in Plan B, if I understand it correctly. I have little to no communication with WW except when we meet for mediation and child duties. If all goes according to plan, she will file for divorce after the one year of being separated.

She has declared herself a lesbian regardless of whether or not the cousin stays in the picture. She said she started to fall in love with the cousin last summer but didn't realize it until this year in August. She has no remorse about the ongoing affair although she does say she feels regret for hurting me.

The total time spent together as lovers of the cousin and my wife is approximately 1 month. 2 weeks in the summer. One week in North Carolina and One week overseas. They text and Skype constantly when they are not together.

I need to ask: is there any hope here at all or am I just fooling myself?

I would not go into Plan B. And what you describe above is not Plan B. Plan B is a completely dark separation with no contact at all.


This means nothing except she is in love with the OW. Like Harley pointed out, lesbian affairs are the easiest to bust up beucase they are so fragile. It doesn't matter what she "declares" while she is a fogged out wayward. When the affair crumbles her feelings will change.


Yes there is hope.

Ok. I will read about plan a.

Thanks. This is hard. I appreciate the support.

Oh good. Just got the "Stop telling the kids that you love me. There is no hope for reconciliation."

Blah