The best way to heal is not to find somebody else.
The best way to heal is to not need any body else. To feel okay and whole on your own BUT to be open to love.

Then, you will find a guy who can be a partner. A real one.

Don't settle for the idea of a dreamy artist or famous entertainer.....btw.....we are all artists in our own way/right/vocation in life. All of us. No one more so or more valid than another (soap box of mine...I will step off it now) :-)

Reading, thank you for reply. I like your idea that everybody is an artist. I agree with it. Many artists think they are the only form of art available. However, dating artists for me is not related to wanting to be with somebody who has attention or somebody who gets invited to the parties. It is more about supporting equipment, helping me to run our business, have common goals and dreams. Military man may be nice and supportive but has no connections to get orders and customers in entertainment. If I was not dating my STBXBF, I would like to hire him. And I can not afford to pay people all the time to be my partners- it is easier to date them instead. To make it simple- if you had a restaurant and had to prepare meals, would you appreciate having a boyfriend who happened to be a cook and wanted to work in your restaurant and help you order supplies and plan budget, or would you like somebody who works in a library instead?

I hear many times this "you do not need a man" saying. I do not afraid to admit that I do need a man. Simply to have fun with. I am not going out by myself. It is embarrassing. Woman sitting at a bar alone is pathetic. Theater, concert- anywhere. I went to the concerts alone many times. Most of time you sit/stand there alone, it is boring, you have nobody to talk to, you can not have a drink, because you have to drive home, you have drunk men looking at you, making you wonder if it even safe to walk to your car. How can you say- you do not need a man? That means- you destined to stay home alone. In silence, because otherwise you would have nobody to tell how your day went.

Get women friends to go on the town with.
Women ARE people too......

many of them would love to hang out with someone and to go out.

Being alone on the town is okay too.

To say it isn't is to say you have no value on your own.

Do you?

This has nothing to do with my personal value. It is about safety. Some places you can go alone, some places you can not. You would not go to a bar alone and stay till 2 am and then walk to your car alone.

I cant believe that he broke up with me. We never even discussed or considered this idea in a sense of "What if..." It feels strange. Something changed last 2 months.

Where can I get female friends? Put an add on eHormony that I am looking for a girlfriend? We were in tight relationships for 7 years- we never spent time apart enough for me to go out with other people. Apparently- he did go out with others. If I was not with him, I was home working on many projects.

The comment about e harmony is funny.
Do you attend a church? That's a good place to meet women or a Meet up Group

theo, welcome to MB. I am so grateful you ended up here, because there is so much waiting for your life than you were headed for. Looks like this man did for you what you were unable at the time to do for yourself. What a huge gift! In two weeks you're going to be SO GRATEFUL to have this freeloader out of your life. You invested everything in him for too long! If he saw a future for you two he would have begged you to marry him years ago. Fixed the financial circumstances that were in the way instead of leaning on them as excuses.

How old is your son? I'm following the MB concepts as much as I can and I have a relationship now that I am happy for my DD13 to see. Where we both provide extraordinary care for one another. And if that changes, I won't settle. It sounds like your son doesn't see many other examples of that, but you can show him by your example.

Why do you need to be out until 2 in the morning anyway

You either plan for the days or the years. A fun guy for wheedling time away with is a plan which takes care of the days. Renter relationships become unsustainable over time.

A sensible, check box type guy is supposed to take care of the years, but as we've seen here at MB - only passionate love will do that. You need both fun and commitment and it IS possible. It's true that most people are unhappy in love - but that's only because of a mistaken belief that it is a normal state of affairs.



Here

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8114_fear.html

Alternatively women do very well alone and ARE capable of forging wonderful friendships with each other. Single women are often as happy and fulfilled as happily married women - far more so than the unhappily marrieds!

Don't settle for being the next entry in some immature guy's black book though.

You are too smart, too good for that.

Being single is amazing - only give it up for the absolute best quality and highest level of care and commitment.

I think I need more help than I realized. Not sure if I should start a new thread about it.
I appreciate all your great support and advices. I followed them and was trying to rebuild my support system.
And then� my boyfriend partially resurfaced. But not in a good way. He is all depressed and in very bad state of mind. It is not because he cannot live without me. He says- he was depressed for months but I was too busy to notice it. I was emotionally and verbally abusive and he had to withdraw himself from me. He does not want to get back with me, but he can use my help as a friend.
He looks and sounds very unstable. I had to set him up to see a mental health provider.
Being around him made me realize that I totally not ready to break up with him.
He is being distant. I feel clingy and emotional.
It is wrong to attempt to talk to other men, while he is not feeling good. Also I have no idea where everything is going.

He is already getting you back in as a back-up option.
Please read about plan B.

The advice already given is a good start. Stay here. Keep talking about what changes you are making.
It is no surprise that you don't feel ready. What you need to remember is that you already broke up. You don't get to wait until you feel ready. He is done. You just work on building that support system of female professionals and friends. Exes make really bad friends. It is unhealthy for both of you. If you want to do the right thing as a friend direct him to a professional which you have already done and say goodbye. Change your numbers. Move. Take a class and learn how to be a safe single woman who does not spend her time at home alone. (I traveled across continents alone. It is an amazing thing to feel secure and able to care for your own safety.) Let people experienced in these things help you plan for safely allowing your son to meet his father when he is cleared by the professionals as stable. It will be awhile before that needs to happen. These are the things you need help with first of all.
he is no longer your boyfriend. The way he feels is not why talking to other men is wrong right now. It is wrong because you still need help and time to recover. You are feeling clingy and needy and the kind of man that will treat you well is not looking for a girl who feels like that.

Build that support system. Learn to be a happy whole person. Then you can learn about building romantic love that you can count on lasting for a lifetime and how to date well to find a man who knows and wants the same.

Thank you for your great replies. I noted that it is much easier to find advice about breaking up and moving on than about how to make existing relationships work. I am sorry if I am wasting everybody's time. I was following the advice and rebuilding my support system, but now I am not sure what I am supposed to be doing. My boyfriend is very special guy, and I care about him very much. And really- what do I have against of him? The fact that he did not marry me in 7 years? Yeah, it is sux, but it was our mutual choice. He did rebuild his finances- he is doing better now. It is actually my turn to make positive changes. He supported me through the years of education and now we supposed to see the benefits of it. He had reasons to complain- I was stressed, we could not do much and we grew up apart. But the potential is still there. I dont want to be that empty promise that was supposed to evolve in to a butterfly and remained a worm. What I am saying is that it is not all his fault- I have to take responsibility for my contribution. Yes, if I could find a man who is stronger financially, I would have more security, but then again- one can't ever know- new man can be abusive or something else.

Right now I am looking for help on how to make it work, not on how to move on. Moving on option is still on the table and can be used any time. I do not know why I want to work things out with him. I have very precious memoirs and positive memories overpower negative. I don't know if I can ever make him feel excited about me or wanting to be with me. Right now I am rebuilding my career and need to become better person and have more to offer. This is a marriage builder's forum, isn't it? I would think many here have extensive experience in resolving long term relationships issues, such as boredom, apathy, loss of excitement. Many couples were able to overcome these issues and I like to do my best to make it better. I do nit know how much he will be committed to it, but I have to give it some time.

Theocracy, you've been given all the MB advice relating to dating and you reject it.

Of course there will be 'boredom' if you have low standards and allow a poor dating choice to drag into a 'long term relationship'. MB advice is to keep looking for extraordinary, keep looking for 'I can't wait to marry you' not to stay and settle for lacklustre and boring.

That's your business to discard MB advice but it's all we can post. I wouldnt post soothing stuff to kid you and if I did the mods would remove it.

Why dont you find a website closer to your own views? This site is for people who are married or who want to get married. Sans boredom.


You are not looking for anything extraordinary or in the least committed. Maybe it's just not what you want.

Your call.

Indiegirl, you are the bright one here and I do appreciate your time to post.

***EDIT***

I am sure Dr. Harley had all kind of couples turning to him for help. Not everybody meets a standard of traditional American family. I do understand the limitations of this board and do not expect advice to try alternative lifestyles to make our life fulfilling. Me and my boyfriend actually pretty conservative. We do not do anything weird, other than occasional adult movie. And I know that many married couples in "Infidelity" section had much more drama and shocking circumstances than we are.

I did not mean boredom in a sense that it is boring to be married. I meant it in a sense that many couples have this issue in the long term commitment when initial infatuation wears off and life struggles put strain on relationships. Actually- if you know Dr. Harley's teaching, you would remember him talking about it a lot (so I remember).

Here is an issue: we can not afford independent household. This is why I have to stay with my family. I am couple of months out of school. I was busy, my boyfriend got out of hands. This is what happens when people do not have time for relationships. I did not realize it was happening- now I see- there were more problems than I thought. But decision to stay or leave is still my. Dont matter how detailed I try to explain my situation, there is no way it can be understood or experienced the way I see it. So in this situation if you try to help, you may look in to a problem and think how you can help with specific questions. When everything fails, I will have to move end these relationships and move on. I want to hope that we are not there yet.

So summarize it: I am looking for the same thing as everybody else on this board. Happiness in the family unit. The only difference is that we are in arts and it brings unique problems not commonly found in other relationships. Moving on and starting with another guy will require at least a year or two to find this guy (at best) and another 3 years of investment to get to know him. It may or may not work, so it is another 5 years to get me where I am right now. New relationships are not always better. A lot of time they run in to exactly the same problems. Yes, I kind of excited to be free and meet people again, but at the end it is going to be the same situation: I will always be me and who knows how other guy will respond to me and make me feel. Any way... I know you doing your best to help. I dont know what will happen and where it goes. I know what I want but it is not easy to build.

STOP arguing with moderators and breaking our Terms of Service. If you have an issue with the moderators, send us an email directly. Stop disrupting our forums.

***EDIT***

Contact the moderators via email if you have concerns about the moderating staff.

Come back when you have some interest in marriage.

Of course Dr H doesn't counsel long term renters.

As for the adult video comment, words fail me. Try finding someone interested in giving you their full attention.

You are so not ready for high fidelity.

What about the adult video? Just curious.

It is not hard to find someone who would give me full attention. Spoke with one last night. The guy was trying so hard to tell me how he would put everything aside if he was dating me, he got me creepy feeling- thought he may have potential to be a stalker. The problem is- it has to be mutual, and this is hard to find. Was not able to find it in last 15 years (7 of which I was in relationships, to my excuse, but still). If I saw somebody promising who is better deal, I would not overlook him. So far I spoke with a military guy who is too busy with his 2 children, a pharmacist who works in large hospital and has all kind of female personnel surrounding him, and the creepy guy. So my bf does not look so bad, except- he is not ready for the marriage, still.

If you want to know about Dr H's position on porn - read his porn articles.

If you want to post here - you will only get MB advice so it makes sense to READ the MB advice first and see if it's something you are interested in, yes?

You've dismissed all advice we've given you so far and we don't have time to nag you into doing principles you don't want to do. You are a big girl who can dismiss the advice if she wants to and live as she pleases.

If you want to settle for a 'not so bad' guy - do it. If you want to change that into a feeling of happiness - find a magic wand.

You specifically want us to guide you into NON MB advice - settling for less and settling for feeling unhappy - and we cannot do that.

Go forth on your own path and good luck to you.

I do wonder who it was who told you you were not worth very much.

You expect disdain and it is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

It's actually quite clear that you are bright and special and very worthy of love.

You don't have to chase it desperately.



Where you are right now is nowhere and you could easily waste years staying in nowhere.

If you were to date 30 people in a year you would find an excellent match with strong feelings on both sides. Within two years you should either be making a marital commitment or ending it.