He has not asked for a way back. He did ask when he left and I said "I don't know" I don't want to be rash or emotional. I've had some angry moments and the urge to text him but I haven't. We've texted about kid logistics a little. He has not texted one nice or contrite thing but has continued doing all of the considerate helpful things he is in the habit of doing.

I'm beyond proud of how I am conducting myself. I'm more patient with my kids and just feel so different about life and the world now that I can see myself as, possibly, not an incurably damaged person...

Sandy asked me to post to Dr. Harley, so I did!

Well I'm glad you're doing well since he's been gone.I believe his actions tell alot and he hasn't shown much.

We will see what Dr. Harley says. Stay the course, my friend.

Can you read the thread on gaslighting?

Yes, I don't recognize any gaslighting...have you seen some described in my posts?

I'll read it again, where is it?

Here Please Explain Gaslighting

Do these symptoms of gaslighting apply to you?
You constantly second-guess yourself.
You ask yourself, �Am I too sensitive?� multiple times a day.
You often feel confused and even crazy.
You�re always apologizing to your partner.
You can�t understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren�t happier.
You frequently make excuses for your partner�s behavior to friends and family.
You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don�t have to explain or make excuses.
You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
You start lying to avoid the put downs and reality twists.
You have trouble making simple decisions.
You have the sense that you used to be a very different person � more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
You feel hopeless and joyless.
You feel as though you can�t do anything right.
You wonder if you are a �good enough� partner.

I'm speechless.

Is there any other possible explanation for these symptoms?
Is he doing it consciously/on purpose?
Is it fixable?
How do I protect myself??

Have I noticed gaslighting in your posts....



Contradictory and vague information. One moment he is implying he does a lot of work, the next that it isn't necessary or enjoyable and just in case you started to feel on solid ground he turns 180 and tells you he's having a great time - whyever would you think otherwise?



Asserting that he knows what is 'realistic'. You don't. Also gaslighters loathe specific complaints because their whole ball game is to be vague and confusing. Specific complaints require care from him and the game is about keeping the power.



Your husband has been ramping up the gaslighting slowly over time and you don't notice it any more. However your friends aren't indoctrinated, so they (and we) are pretty horrified.



He's not been getting past your reluctance as easily as in the past. Time to ramp up the abuse.




So he decides what is nice and considerate?

Having read your original thread with this one you have come across like this:

"My husband knowingly does things that upset me and is very resistant to making me feel loved and special with affection.

"However he is a marvellous and considerate guy. He tells me so all the time."

The joking was the big tip off. You can say anything gaslighty in a joke and it sounds like no big deal



I'm really more au fait with the victim end than what goes on in the gaslighter's head. Dr H would know.

I've always found it strange that all waywards use this technique almost instinctively. I don't know if it's a conscious protection of their secret or an unconscious effect of the fog.

I'm quite certain that some form of dishonesty is involved. Perhaps porn, perhaps just getting SF by control. I would certainly snoop.



This part I do know - zero tolerance.

He's an open book...I think it's about control. He is an extreme IBer. Extreme. Also he had no limits regarding what he would do or say to get SF.

How can I have zero tolerance if I don't realize that he is doing it??

He is not an open book. He says one thing and does another. That is not an open book, it's a fake set of books.

What have you independently verified by snooping into somewhere he would not expect you to access?

He doesn't have a place he doesn't expect me to access...he works at his parent's house and he brought his work computer on vacation and I used it...

He doesn't lie, he tells me I shouldn't be bothered by stuff but he doesn't lie or deceive me...he does what he wants blatantly, charmingly, asks for forgiveness and if I'm upset he...gaslights me.

It's obviously possible. I will think about it. He's just so transparent...

You know he is upsetting you. Simply don't tolerate it any more.

If he behaves like he 'isn't thrilled with you' to access the power of he who cares least - then your actions must be to remove him because you insist he is pleasant to be around.

If he says or does something that bothers you instead of listening to the implied criticism continue to insist it's eliminated.

One of the best ways to eliminate it is to kick him out. You already feel stronger and less oppressed don't you?

I'm not saying it's hopeless, Dr H would know the score there. I'm just saying it is flat out unacceptable and you won't stand for another minute of it.

Why on earth would he work from his parents house?

He works for the family business. He has an actual office there.

Should I talk to him? What should I say?

I'm going to give you two scenarios in the hope they give you a 'base line' of what is helpful/considerate.

Scenario A

I was extremely anxious about telling WXH that my boss had reversed into my car. It had been parked and I wasnt to blame, but still...

Sure enough, I got lambasted. I hadn't parked right. I hadn't taken photographs right. I shouldn't be asking his opinion on whether to go through insurance or accept bosses check. Later he tells me he was just tired and grouchy (because my screw ups make him grouchy don't you know). He ends up 'expending a lot of effort' in talking to the insurance and my boss and in short making sure I don't screw it up.

Scenario B.(more recently...)

Travelling home from a late shift at night the main roads had been closed and my out of date Sat Nav was clueless. I had to take winding rural roads, get hopelessly lost and call my boyfriend in a panic.

Without much in the way of helpful information from me, he finds me. He comes over to the car and the first thing he does is give me a giant hug. Then I follow his car home. At no point does he take the opportunity to make me feel he has great direction and I am dizzy and clueless. He is tired and NOT enthusiastic about being woken and rescuing me late at night but he tells me this with smiles and hugs and a plan to prevent recurrances.

He gives me his Sat Nav which is better than mine and teaches me a simple back roads route.

See the difference?

Talk to Dr H - never your H when you spot discrepancies in honesty!

My husband behaves like scenario B. Always.

He might tease me about it alone or around other people about it later...