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[quote=BrainHurts]Do you want to reconcile? [/quote
I do. But I'm not willing to have the marriage we had. (I'm wavering big time right now, I wonder if we could just have independent lifestyles I could live with the bad marriage. I know that's not a good idea but it's what most people do!!)
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[quote=BrainHurts]Do you want to reconcile? [/quote
I do. But I'm not willing to have the marriage we had. (I'm wavering big time right now, I wonder if we could just have independent lifestyles I could live with the bad marriage. I know that's not a good idea but it's what most people do!!) Is it possible that he is suffering from depression? I am not trying to give him a pass, just wondering about how everything is so difficult for him and seems like too much.
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I wonder if we could just have independent lifestyles I could live with the bad marriage. You have a bad marriage now and can't live with it. I know that's not a good idea but it's what most people do!!) Those that stay married at all costs are not happy campers. And your children will have a horrible example of what marriage looks like. I hope you think about that. If he is unwilling to do the work, I would suggest you stay separated and consider divorce.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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[quote=BrainHurts]Do you want to reconcile? [/quote
I do. But I'm not willing to have the marriage we had. (I'm wavering big time right now, I wonder if we could just have independent lifestyles I could live with the bad marriage. I know that's not a good idea but it's what most people do!!) Is it possible that he is suffering from depression? I am not trying to give him a pass, just wondering about how everything is so difficult for him and seems like too much. He absolutely seems depressed.
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I wonder if we could just have independent lifestyles I could live with the bad marriage. You have a bad marriage now and can't live with it. I know that's not a good idea but it's what most people do!!) Those that stay married at all costs are not happy campers. And your children will have a horrible example of what marriage looks like. I hope you think about that. If he is unwilling to do the work, I would suggest you stay separated and consider divorce. But right now we spend every minute he's not at work together! That is very unusual and most people survive the loss of romantic love by having separate lives and they seem rather happy. I never tried that!!
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So you won't care if he possibly dates other women? Bring them around your kids? You are possibly willing to date other men?
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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So you won't care if he possibly dates other women? Bring them around your kids? You are possibly willing to date other men? What? Gross!! I mean, do stuff without him. Use babysitting to take a class or hang out/make friends. Spend time with my mom...organize closets, garden, read more books, get a part-time job  I spend 15 prime, kid-free (boring, sometimes miserable) hours a week with him. I could simply do other stuff with that time. It's moot, I'm not going to do that.
Last edited by coffeegirl; 01/09/15 09:47 PM.
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So you won't care if he possibly dates other women? Bring them around your kids? You are possibly willing to date other men? What? Gross!! I mean, do stuff without him. Use babysitting to take a class or hang out/make friends. Spend time with my mom... You said Independent Lifestyles so to me that includes possibly having an open marriage. You can still have friends or take a class without him so I don't understand what you are looking for.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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I thought independent lifestyle was a phrase commonly used here for marriages where each person does there own thing. Sorry to confuse things.
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Which lessons did you actually Complete during the program?
Do you sit down and schedule your dates/UA time or just do default?
Has he been on antidepressants?
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We POJA lots of stuff just fine. We only have a problem when he thinks his way is the obvious way or if POJA gets in the way of doing what he wants to do. Like abandoning you with a critical baby? A 'most of the time' PoJA is like being 'most of the time' safe from blows. PoJA prevents abuse. It applies ALL the time or you are in an abusive relationship.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I'm a flawed person with stuff to work on. But I felt I must be hopelessly damaged that a little comment like that could hurt me so much. This is the problem. The abuse has convinced you that you're not worth much and have to settle for scraps. I see a kind, intelligent, compassionate woman whose only problem is she is being STARVED of love. You are made to feel like an unwanted pet and it is 'too hard' for him to be around you. He would drop you off at the roadside if he couldn't stop your neglected whining any other way. So he's been training out your expectations instead. "You're not worth it", his contemptuousness implies. That is no 'little thing'. If you plan on creating independence and distance then do it allllll the way. Because you can see his contempt from the moon. I think you are worth a whole lot more than this man is currently capable of giving you. He may change if he is staring down the barrel of a divorce, but honestly I doubt it.
Last edited by indiegirl; 01/10/15 06:28 AM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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We POJA lots of stuff just fine. We only have a problem when he thinks his way is the obvious way or if POJA gets in the way of doing what he wants to do. Like abandoning you with a critical baby? A 'most of the time' PoJA is like being 'most of the time' safe from blows. PoJA prevents abuse. It applies ALL the time or you are in an abusive relationship. So, everyone who knows about how H acted during that time insists that we have to give each other grace for how we acted during that time because we were both going thru such a terrible thing...my parents, his parents, our friends...they talk about how most marriages don't survive these things etc.
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I'm a flawed person with stuff to work on. But I felt I must be hopelessly damaged that a little comment like that could hurt me so much. This is the problem. The abuse has convinced you that you're not worth much and have to settle for scraps. I see a kind, intelligent, compassionate woman whose only problem is she is being STARVED of love. You are made to feel like an unwanted pet and it is 'too hard' for him to be around you. He would drop you off at the roadside if he couldn't stop your neglected whining any other way. So he's been training out your expectations instead. "You're not worth it", his contemptuousness implies. That is no 'little thing'. If you plan on creating independence and distance then do it allllll the way. Because you can see his contempt from the moon. I think you are worth a whole lot more than this man is currently capable of giving you. He may change if he is staring down the barrel of a divorce, but honestly I doubt it. I want to proceed with divorce. If the divorce changes something, how will I know? He is saying that if we even start the divorce process there will be no hope, it will be too late. Is that gas lighting?
Last edited by coffeegirl; 01/10/15 09:04 AM.
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Are you going to go into Plan B?
I'm sure that he could prove it to your coach if he changes his mind.
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Did you read Dr. Harley's advice? Have you told your H yet?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Did you read Dr. Harley's advice? Have you told your H yet? Really good answers. 
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I'm a flawed person with stuff to work on. But I felt I must be hopelessly damaged that a little comment like that could hurt me so much. This is the problem. The abuse has convinced you that you're not worth much and have to settle for scraps. I see a kind, intelligent, compassionate woman whose only problem is she is being STARVED of love. You are made to feel like an unwanted pet and it is 'too hard' for him to be around you. He would drop you off at the roadside if he couldn't stop your neglected whining any other way. So he's been training out your expectations instead. "You're not worth it", his contemptuousness implies. That is no 'little thing'. If you plan on creating independence and distance then do it allllll the way. Because you can see his contempt from the moon. I think you are worth a whole lot more than this man is currently capable of giving you. He may change if he is staring down the barrel of a divorce, but honestly I doubt it. I want to proceed with divorce. If the divorce changes something, how will I know? He is saying that if we even start the divorce process there will be no hope, it will be too late. Is that gas lighting? Agree with what Indie posted above and yes that is gaslighting. There is no hope NOW...he has already said everything is too much for him to deal with and he doesn't want to work on the marriage so where is any hope in that? To then turn around and tell you if a divorce gets started then there will be no hope for the situation he already claims as hopeless. This is foolish nonsense. I would take his comment as emotional blackmail...don't file or there is no hope despite there already being no hope because I'm lazy and don't care. Get off the crazy train, cg. Do not allow this sort of nonsense to continue.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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I read Dr. Harley's post.
My H texted me this morning asking to come home.
I told him I needed a lot of progress before he could come home including:
Talk to Sandy (our coach)
Make an appointment with our family lawyer (our finances are uber complicated)
He balked. Are you shocked?? Also the text conversation devolved. It was a good thing because if he was sweet or contrite it MIGHT weaken my resolve.
I've asked him to stick to email and blocked his calls/texts. His first email was "please call me, I have something important to talk to you about"
I already talked to my friend about possibly IMing for me. His emails will forward automatically to her and she will email me pertinent info only. I haven't pulled the trigger on that yet but I am willing to.
Last edited by coffeegirl; 01/10/15 03:00 PM.
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I'm so glad you acted on Dr. Harley's advice.
Since your separating are you going to write a letter with your conditions or do you think you sent it all in the text?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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