Thanks JustThe3ofus.

I've read your story and thought the same thing about this divorce filing. Like you did, I'm going to send her a letter that I am keeping the door open to reconciliation (for a period of time), and just list the typical MB recovery terms outlined in a Plan B letter.

I truly would work with her to recover the marriage if she came to me within that time frame and along those terms. If I had kids with her, I would probably use a longer time frame (or a legal separation, like you did) for the sake of the kids, but as we do not I am less patient. I figure she will contest this divorce which will add 9 months to the process, so I think I'm going to give her 9 months. If she doesn't contest it will be over much sooner but I'll still wait for her till then, and then move on.

You are right that my hope is fading. Discovering that she had been in court petitioning for the RO only 5 days before emailing me that she had "forgiven me" and "didn't want to fight me about this" was a massive withdrawal from my love bank for her. Every time I see her be deceitful like this it nudges me a little closer to believing that I never really knew who she was and that this honest and sweet woman I remember marrying was just a myth or temporary illusion.

I feel like it's been ages since I've seen the "real" her who I would recognize and welcome, and though I know it's the fog in action here, I do wonder if I will ever see the real her again, and if the fog will ever lift.

You had mentioned early on that her estrangement from her family makes her affair less likely to survive, and I agree with this. That much gives me hope. She has traded so much for so little in OM. Just yesterday FIL texted me to say that she was somewhat quiet and withdrawn when anyone tried to talk to her 1 on 1 during their family Christmas party, and to lament that she's cut off all of the Christian influences in her life in order to pursue this without interference. WW is a stubborn person (like me) and I think she won't give this lifestyle up until she is desperate, but I also know her faith was not superficial. I could see God shaking her up quite a bit when she catches up to Him.

I am still praying for her every day, and for recovery every day. And I will continue until the deadline has passed. I feel she probably is under a tremendous amount of stress right now since she has realized that I am not going to ignore the RO or the rest of the process here. I am praying that she turns to God/family in her desperation here rather than OM or her affairage aunt/uncle who have been encouraging her to pursue OM (they even joke with him on his FB page like they're pals with him too). Maybe I'm wrong and she's got this all planned out, ready to pounce after the RO hearing...but as I heard her ask for more time to get an attorney yesterday, I thought "and how are you going to afford that when you are asking me for money?" She might be in for a rude awakening when she realizes how expensive a lawyer (and divorce itself) is.

That rude awakening might have a pretty strong effect on her. My WW has become downright unstable every time I have failed to give in to her legal plans. She gets angry but there is a panic aspect to it. As though my noncompliance has put her in over her head.

Obviously, we're dealing with different women. The wayward trait seems to bring out a lot of similar traits though. I wouldn't be surprised if your WW gets pretty rattled by your filing for divorce.

Are you going to give her your letter the same day you file? It might be effective to let her sweat for a day or so before letting her know that you are still open to reconciliation.

Most of the time, waywards do little planning or thinking as it relates to reality. So the RO was a spur of the moment thing(encouraged by the OM) to screw with you. It is very typical for them to run around causing havoc, making legal threats, having tantrums, making demands, etc. all things that are illogical nor well planned.

Now that the reality sets in, she is unprepared. No attorney, no money, you have called her bluff.

I want to address the estrangement from the family's effect on the affair.

My wife had an affair and I divorced her.
Three years later, she is still with OM. I just took the kids to visit her family and bother of her sisters told me they haven't spoken with her in a couple years (she used to speak with them daily). She tells people "they [her sisters] aren't my family..."
So sometimes people do literally walk away from everything to pursue an affair.

That's very sad, Jedi. I hope for my WWs sake and her family's sake it is not like this in this case. But you're correct, it does turn out that way sometimes too.

I guess I'm just so used to reading stories on here where the wayward's family supports the affair and divorce.

How's it going Ax?

Did you get the D filed?

Honestly, I've kind of drug my feet. It's hard to get motivated about this part of this journey.

Got all of the required paperwork to my attorney yesterday after basically sitting on the property division stuff for a week. I've been pretty busy at work and actually getting a lot accomplished there (it's been a source of encouragement in all of this...people at work love me), but each night I sort of came home and vegged out and kicked the can down the road another day. Stupid of me but I just had a mental block about it.

Today I paid the attorney an extra fee they were asking for to complete the filing, so I assume it should be done or on it's way now. My attorney was busy when I went in to pay so I emailed her to get an update on what was happening there. I will call tomorrow if I don't get a reply there.

WW hasn't filed in the meantime, I've been checking the state courts site so I know that much. Who knows what's going on in her world, part of me wouldn't be surprised if she was a no-show on Friday. I've sort of given up trying to figure out what her angle is at this point, I don't really understand her anymore. Every frame of reference I had on her just seems to be gone. All of her old hobbies...doesn't do 'em, except for baking, which she has in common with OM. Doesn't go to church anymore. Used to be crazy frugal, now is broke by all indications I have. Used to be tight with her family, doesn't talk to them now. Who is this?

MIL and two BILs have all contacted me in FB in the last week out of concern for how I'm holding up. One BIL even called me the other night, but I didn't pick up.

I don't know what to do, or to say to them, and so I just haven't responded. It's kind of them to reach out but I feel cornered here and certainly they understand that I can't be in limbo forever with WW.

I'm not sure how to proceed with regards to the Plan B stuff.

Mentally, I feel like I've been on the receiving end of a Plan B by my wife. You don't talk to someone for 4 months after they've betrayed you and deceived you like this, you just stop missing them. And truly, I don't miss her. I miss the life we had together, but my heart doesn't ache for her anymore.

I spend very little time these days even thinking about her. It used to make me feel very sad looking at old photos and such of us, or remembering old conversations or inside jokes between us, but now it's just like a void. I look at the pictures and just think "who is that...she's not who I thought she was". It's just numb. We spent a huge amount of time joking with each other and really bonded through humor, so there are still things I get reminded of and laugh about. But it's an awkward feeling rather than a sad feeling. Maybe that means something psychologically, I don't know. I'll chuckle thinking about something and then realize it was an "us" joke, and then just feel puzzled and think about something else.

I'm not someone who spends a great deal of time being angry or depressed about things. I can't live that way, and I couldn't do my job if I was like that. So I feel like I've just kind of adjusted to her being totally absent in my life, and this hearing and divorce just kind of makes that official.

Someone mentioned a few pages back something about being less hopeful. I have no hope of a turnaround at this point. None. I still have a lot of willingness where I would work with her if she wanted to try, but I have zero hope. I don't think I will be less willing in 9 months when my Plan B deadline passes, but I'm not going to cling to any hope for that period of time. I'm just going to make certain that I do not get involved with any women during this time so I don't betray that promise.

As for her family...they're sweet people. This part just breaks my heart for them. They treated me well. That's really the only thing that makes me feel sad about any of this at this point. I've always tried to be a stand-up guy and handle things transparently and openly, but I don't know what to say to them. Part of me wants to at least explain what is happening after the filing is official, but what exactly am I going to say to them? There's no script for this, and I doubt it's even appropriate for me to be the one telling them what is happening at this point. What if they try to talk me out of it?

And that leads me to thinking I need to probably remove them off social media and change my contact info (phone, emails, etc) like a proper Plan B.

I never sent this to her, but I had drafted an email one night in response to hers asking me to send her stuff (money, signed car title, guns, etc), just to get some venting done. And what I put down was that we basically don't have a relationship anymore, by her choice. Not like we have a bad one, we don't have one. And we don't. We don't talk, text, call...anything. And what I was going to say was that I don't mail money or property to strangers, so it was unreasonable of her to treat me this way and then expect me to give her what she's asking for when she pops out of her hole randomly. The amount of communication we have isn't even equivalent to a business relationship.

That's how I feel about her. Void. Null. Nada. Zero care for me so it's pointless for me to hold onto sentiment or hope until that changes, if it ever does.

It gets old, doesn't it, ax? The longer my WW stays in this ungodly relationship she's in, the more resentment I feel. My BIL reached out to me over the holidays to see how I was doing. I appreciate her family's kindness.

I think you're well on the way to healing whether your WW comes back or not.

That is how I also feel Ax. Void. Nothing. It does get old. But I am also to the point where I don't have hope, but I actually don't care.

If he did all the right things, I suppose I'd be open to trying like you, but I don't have any hope that he will do those things at all. I realize that he was a renter the whole time and the things that I would actually need from a man (like financial support), I will not ever get from him. I don't even have hope that he will pay child support without a fight.

It is hard though looking at the paperwork, etc. There is a slight feeling of "it never had to be this way"; but I just remind myself, like you, that these were his choices.

Thanks guys.

Things are finalized today. WW will be served tomorrow before the RO hearing. Just got back from my attorney's office.

Very odd looking over the official pleading document, but it is what it is.

Just wanted to add that the support and advice of this forum means a lot to me. I know you all have your own lives and struggles you're going through and it's thoughtful of you to take the time to help.

I don't know where I would be without the guidance and brain trust I've found here....probably unaware of the affair, coping with this on my own and thinking my wife simply chose single life over me because I was such a bad person/husband.

Very, very far from the truth. Not a place I'd want to be, at all.

Good luck tomorrow!
Hope things go your way. I am disgusted by RO/PO that are used in this manner.

Yes, good luck tomorrow. Keep us updated when you can.

I think I'd be in the same place if not for the MB forum. It has been invaluable in seeing through the gas-lighting and manufactured wayward reality of my wife.

Good luck Ax.

It really does show how every affair is the same and all Follow the same script. The names may be different but waywards all Follow the same script.

Good luck, Axe.

It ain't over til its over. But you are running the race and that counts for a lot.

Going to do the great purge today (after the court session) of removing WWs family from social media and such. Also getting my Plan B letter ready. Some have mentioned Plan A, but really the only way a divorce curtails an RO in a case like this is when the filing party (who is the respondent or target in the RO) asks for certain protections and restraints in their D filing that make the RO redundant. So I'm not going to be able to contact her willy-nilly either way.

I've been pondering pointing her towards MB in my letter. Bad idea? I know generally WSs aren't sent here until they're on board with recovery.

I feel like all of my cards in this game have been played and there's not any strategy to hide from her. And I don't care if she saw the entire thread here and read it. She would have objections to my point of view on some things, I am sure, but we both have our problems to work on if recovery was ever to happen and I would want her to be heard as much as I have been.

My only thought is she might wander over here out of curiosity at some point when her relationship with OM falters and a conversation with FWSs here could make a huge difference with getting the fog to lift.

Bad idea?

Very bad idea IMO. You are entering legal divorce proceedings and don't need to show your hand to WW in any way or give her any ammo to go around claiming you vindicitve, crazy, drinking some kool-aid or whatever. You will loose MB as a place to post if she reads along. I strongly advice against this.

I agree with black_raven. I don't think it's a good idea at this point.

Yeah, that makes sense. I worried there might be a legal risk to doing so.