I want to give MB principals a chance to work. However, I do not believe that I have to start all over with other guy. The goal of me here is to find the way to make work what I already have. Counting your blessings and appreciate what you have is a big part of many religious philosophies. I am aware that for relationships to work, both parties must be willing to do what it takes. I can not blame my bf for all our problems. I believe we both contributed to dysfunction, and if we don't know how to get better, we need to be educated. This trial separation can be a good opportunity to take a look at what we were doing wrong and what caused the problem and attempt to make it better. I sure not wanting to get back with him and have more of the same. I also do not expect long "honey moon". I know we may try to be nice to each other and then it may go back to where the problems started. But new relationships do not fix old problems. I know that if he finds new woman, he will behave the same way and will get himself in to the same arguments. I know that I can be very difficult, especially if I am with somebody I am not interested in. I know myself. It is hard to pretend you like somebody for the sake of just having someone. 30 people a year? Did you seriously suggested this? We dont have such a supply of single men. This is a relatively small area. I am not sure what part of UK you are from, but this is not Europe and not London or Paris here. It is small town, may be 500,000 population, mixed ethnicity.

So now, today or tomorrow what do we do? I can not discard what we already built- closeness, intimacy, shared memory and history. He is still depressed. We talk briefly. We need to figure out what went wrong and how to avoid it.

Wow! My town has 5000 people in it.

Good luck.

Honey, 500,000 people is NOT a small town.

Well- it includes more than one city in close proximity. But that does not mean they all on my dating service!!! I feel like I know everybody.

You know everybody in an area with 500,000 people? Really?

Now you're just looking for excuses to keep doing what you're doing.

Everybody in the art community. I did not see a new face of my age for years- new people only younger. It is hard to explain. I have several hundreds of friends on Facebook. All my friends involved in arts. We all connected and getting updates from each other. If I dont know somebody who is a friend of my friends, Facebook sends me their profile and I add them, and then I know them. We all attend the same 5 clubs, 3 theaters and 10 restaurants. All community events posted on Facebook- somebody of my friends invites me. When I come to the event, I see the same 20 people I saw last week, month or a year ago. Everybody knows me and everybody knows my boyfriend. To start dating a new guy, I will have to find somebody who will fit in to our circle, and then he will be hanging out with us. People who like what we do already hanging out with us. People that we dont know do not come to our activities because they are not interested. So you saying- I need to find outsider and train him to enjoy what I do? If he did not like music or theater or art for 30 years, he would suddenly realize what he was missing and start coming to all the opening nights, presentations and shows, and wav hello to my x, who will be always there? If I have to retrain somebody to do what we already doing and will be doing any way- then I may as well keep my bf.

On another hand... My bf likes to do all these things without me lately. I have pretty good idea where he is now- he is working. His work is what most people do for fun. He will not be coming to spend an evening with me tonight... He depressed and needs his space right now. I do not know what that means.

It means he will call you as a backup option when other fun girls don't work out.

I'm puzzled why you set the bar so low for yourself? No wonder you don't believe much MB concepts to be true, you continue to put yourself in a position where long-term material will pass you by.

Any man with good long-term value isn't going to be interested in a woman who hangs around exes and doesnt set high standards. He passes her by, thinking she has poor boundaries.

I dont have to hang out around him, but I am not going to stop enjoying life and do things I like because he is there.

I know it sounds weird and looks bad. He is not going to use me as a backup option. We had very committed long term relationships. He really is depressed. I feel bad that I did not know he was so unhappy. Also it is upsetting that he is so unhappy with me. I am not that bad. Yes, people grow apart and separate, but this is different. I dont know what will happen. This is very strange situation. I need some time to figure out what will happen. I cant guess it. I just have to wait and see.

Also while I am waiting... I dont know if I should try to meet other people... It feels wrong as this is exactly what I am asking him to stop doing. It just that he works with lots of people. His job... You know- they have a bar in there and they serve alcohol to the employees unlimited for free. They make social gatherings- I find pictures on Facebook, with a tag, "Employee of XXXXXX having lunch and discussing upcoming production". And you see them all as a group with food and some with alcoholic beverages on a table. What the... This is wrong. They encourage employees socialize without their families and significant others. It is 2nd time this week he needs to be present at some events in a bar. Last time they had season opening- they had strippers performing. Ok- not strippers- they call it a burlesque. In reality- they are males dressed up like female with wigs dancing on a stage. And they serve them alcohol for free.

It means he is spending his evening not making you a priority.

I am married and we had many, many mutual friends. The other woman was in the same circles and knew all of the same people. I moved and cut most of those people off (because they were enablers at worst and not helpful at best). If your activities are more important than your self-worth, then fine. Just say that. But hanging around a bunch of mutual friends is not going to help this situation. You are an option to him, not a priority.

You're not ready for marriage.

What is this has to do with readiness for marriage? Marriage does not mean- life stops and everything changes. Life is going on. I was talking with this guy- he plays drums, He says- his wife told him, "Now you are 30 years old- you dont need to practice drums any more..." I know that many individuals who are not in arts think that being artist is limited to younger age and when you grow older, you supposed to grow out of it. Well- it does not happen this way. It stays. Not every artist, musician, actor, painter, movie producer make it in the show business to a point where it makes them rich. Maturity means to accept the reality and continue doing your best to reach self actualization. Art for me (and many of us) is #1 priority (well- after my child). Being mature for me was to get professional training in other field and be able to support myself and my child. I continue with arts after work, when I have time. Staying in artistic circles for me is staying in touch the artistic side of me and following my calling. This is very hard to explain in one post. My boyfriend is very talented individual. I am willing to overlook several of personality flows for the joy of experiencing his gift. Together we capable to produce art that has potential to change people's lives. I say, "Potential", because, unfortunately, we don't have that much accomplished due to being busy and his lack of motivation. This would be probably too much of information for the internet forum, but I will share this detail: I sing. He plays. It is beautiful. We used to write together. He knows the songs we perform. Took us several years of practicing. This is not something that can be easily replaced. there is just so much more to it. The problem is that he lost interest in everything, and I felt entitled to everything, so we would argue about it, and things were just getting unbearable. I was busy, he got used to do things without me, and now...

It sounds like you aren't really open to alternative beliefs. Despite saying you would consider MB principles, it seems clear that you aren't going to take any advice. Your entire philosophy seems to contradict it.

Theocracy, at this point, do you own one single Marriage Builders book? How many Marriage Builders Radio broadcasts have you listened to? Which articles and Q&A columns have you read from the site?

Thus you are not ready for marriage.

I have not just came to this site. I have been reading it for couple of years on and off. I don't see what principles you referring to that can not be implemented with this guy and require other guy. People experience marital problems. And there are tools to fix these problems and work things out. Please, be specific. Don't make general statements. Please, write something like, "In such relationships it is almost impossible to reach intimacy because there is no mutual respect". Yes, I know. Is the only solution to build respect and trust to start over with another man? Are you saying- it is unfixable? I would like to make it work. He says, he would like to make it work when he feels better. Do you have any specific suggestions about what we should work on? I honestly don't know where to start. May be we should make a list of goals, then set priority goals.

Right now goal #1 is him to get better and return to normal healthy lifestyle. And no, he will not change the job right now, but may have break in the summer. I don't think I should demand that he makes me priority at this time. He is trying to survive. I found him in very bad shape. He has not been eating for days. Now that he agrees to eat some, the girls at work (again) buy him food. I told him it is not appropriate, but at least he eats. He can't sleep. He is being consuming alcohol daily and started smoking- all in this month while we were apart. So, yes, this has to be addressed before MB principles can be implemented.

And in the meantime, you know what MB principles say for you to do, right?

You see, Theocracy, you have a different world view.

A marriage relationship is different than a dating relationship. What works to fix a marriage relationship WILL NOT WORK to fix a dating relationship.

In fact, you should not even try to fix a dating relationship. Dating is an INTERVIEW for marriage. If there are any problems during the dating phase, then the interview has failed and it is time to move on.

To try to FIX a dating relationship is insane.

You will not receive any advice on this board on how to fix your relationship with your boyfriend. It is not a marriage. He has failed the test. It is time to move on.

If you do not like that advice, I am sure there are other boards out there from which you can find something that fits your worldview. You won't find it here.

I do not view this as dating. He is been raising my son for 7 years, we been acting as a family unit all this time. Marriage is when 2 people make public announcement that they will be together in exclusive relationships. The same can be accomplished by making commitment in privet. It is between two of us, it is our decision. The only limitation of such arrangement is that we can not have joint medical insurance. If we decide- it is marriage, this is what it is. If you disagree, tell it to the millions of gay people in the committed relationships.

No, it cannot.

You seem really in denial about how "committed" you think this man is to you.