Thanks everyone for the prayers.

NebDane, you are right and one of the lawyers I talked to offers a payment plan where I could start tomorrow. I'm just going to go with them and get this started (divorce) tomorrow. Means using a lower-end law firm than who I talked to before but I honestly don't think it matters that much in my case. No kids, no house, and I'm not a millionaire or anything. It's pretty cut and dry. Yes there's dirty laundry here from WW that might affect things but I don't think there's enough to squabble over.

I know this may be surprising since I've been Plan A-ing against terrible odds here, but I've been wrestling with what to do about this RO hearing for weeks and I finally found peace today praying about it.

I will file D and send WW a Plan B letter with clearly defined timeline and conditions for recovery. I look at it like this:

If the RO is granted, not only is it a negative for me but it effectively would end a Plan A anyways. If D is filed, more than likely it will be contested and will sit in line for another 9 months so it's not like we'll be divorced tomorrow. I've put in a solid Plan A up to this point, no lovebusters since she asked to separate which was 5 weeks before D-day. If she's ever going to come out of the fog I did everything in my power to leave a good impression.

If I may vent for a while, I just hate this. This whole situation. It's terrible. No good choices and even being the willing spouse I'm having to pull the plug. It is so hard.

But for whatever reason, until I thought of the Plan B letter, I couldn't find peace with filing D. And honestly, I also can't find peace with taking the RO on the chin for the sake of an unfaithful wife. Both options just really bothered me, I stirred about this all through the holidays and the last week.

Today I was thinking about it and I remembered the idea of the Plan B letter and the timeframe/conditions offered for recovery if the wayward spouse changes their mind. It just made so much sense, it's nearly what I'm already doing. I know starting divorce will legitimize the end of the marriage to WW, but at the same time she's already abandoned it in every other form. It takes two people to recover, I can't do that alone. There will be people around me who are going to be disappointed (like her parents) that I have filed D, but with Plan B it's not quite over yet, it's just moving in that direction (which honestly is inevitable in a situation like this).

I've put up a heck of a fight for WW and in discovering this site learned a lot about my own mistakes and how to become a better partner. If we are to have a future, she will have to take a step in my direction, and truthfully it's been that way ever since she left. I have no regrets and have reconciled the matter with my faith and conscience.

You've done everything in your power, ax. I think you're doing the right thing by filing. It's really your only option at this point. It's not what you wanted. It was forced on you. I'll continue to pray for your situation.

axe,

If you go into plan B you will need an IM.
Find one and get it lined up prior to sending the plan B letter.

I think you've done a hell of job Ax. You can only let yourself be pushed so close to the edge of a cliff. Its good that you feel like you've found the right direction.

That being said. I will be the PITA to tell you that plan B isn't the only option right now, even if YOU have to file for divorce. Like you said, it could be 9 months to finalize the divorce. You don't really have any option but to file. At least legally. You could blame filing for D on your lawyer's strong advice and perhaps have a quiet plan A until it's over.

If anyone doesn't understand why you are filing if you are still open to reconciliation you can simply tell them the truth. WW has forced her hand through her legal actions and it is your only option to avoid having an RO on your record.

Since WW has failed to file for D I would be curious if your filing would push her very hard to crawl out of the fog. If it does, and you won't even communicate with her she may see that as the perfect excuse to slip deeper into it. Plan B isn't supposed to save your marriage, its supposed to save you and your love bank.

I have been reading your thread since I first came here and I know you've been through quite a mess. I respect the hell out of you and appreciate your perspective and assistance. I don't mean to second guess your decision. You have every right to do what you think is necessary. I just thought I'd throw this out there.

Axe,

Hopefully, the RO will be dismissed. In the event it is granted, going forward, you should be completely transparent with all potential employers and anyone who might do a background check on you that your XW obtained a RO against you during the course of a particulary messy divorce in which she was extremely vindictive and that you were the one who filed for the divorce. RO's don't automatically cause employers not to hire. Instead, they will usually ask about the circumstances that lead to the RO. I am suggesting you preempt that before they ever see it in a background check.

Thanks face and nmwb. I respect you guys tremendously as well. This is a road I think one has to walk down to truly understand, and we've all walked that road.

Jedi, I think I may handle this the way JustThe3OfUs did and take communications directly. I realize this is a Plan C and not a true Plan B, but in my case I do not expect contact from WW and if there is I'd be interested to see it personally. I guess my letter will be more along the lines of giving her a hard deadline for R and providing conditions. I'm not deadset on not using an IM, but that's how I'm leaning right now.

Thanks for the tip about future employers, BB, I will keep that in mind if I end up getting stuck with this.



Just finished making arrangements with the attorney. I will have an attorney with me tomorrow at court to talk to the judge about dismissing this in light of D (which in my state has several protections similar to an RO), and they will also be there to defend me in the unfortunate event that the judge insists on doing the hearing for the order. I will be going over my documentation with this attorney tomorrow morning before the hearing.

Very glad that I will have a professional there with me.

Keep us posted.

Will the Divorce Petition be filed before the RO hearing? These are truly form filings that don't require a whole great deal of information to file. It could be done overnight.

The more expensive firm had wanted to file today and serve WW tomorrow like you suggest.

The firm I am using is going to basically tell the judge I am filing ASAP and have appointed legal counsel to do so. I spoke to this attorney in person and they acted like this is routine to handle this situation in that fashion. I am supposed to set up a time to go in and fill everything out with them tomorrow. I'd guess it will be this week if not tomorrow.

It would really be ideal if it were filed (doesn't have to be served, just filed) before the hearing....(sorry that's the lawyer in me thinking out strategy...if I were the Judge, I'd be asking why if you are going to file, you haven't done so already?) Of course, I'm not licensed in your state so you should rely on legal advice from an attorney who is licensed and practices in your state.

That makes sense to me also. I should have got this figured out earlier. We'll have to see what happens.

Just be prepared with a logical answer. For the most part, your attorney will do the majority of any speaking for you on your behalf, unless the Judge questions you directly.

An obvious response would be that the law firms services had just been retained the day before and they wanted additional information prior to filing for a Divorce.

Further, you may want to state that you were hoping her Affair would collapse to enable an opportunity for reconciliation and have taken substantial steps learning a well respected marital recovery program to prepare yourself to be an even better option as her Husband.

It's up to you and your attorney though.

LTL

I would avoid anything that would lead the judge to think, "yeah, right, he's just doing this to get out of the RO." Instead, you should ask your lawyer how you and he will respond if the judge asks why you haven't filed and are only now claiming that's what you plan to do now that your at the RO hearing.

Just finished at court. Basically we went in, told the judge I would not consent to the restraining order, and they scheduled a trial. My attorney tried to schedule for this Thursday but WW asked for next Friday so she could have time to get legal assistance. I do not think she expected me to show up with an attorney. She sounded sick, like she's got a cold. Her parents have said she's never feeling well when she visits for whatever that's worth. I didn't even really look at her, didn't want to. Very odd to see her again after this long, and under these circumstances I don't even want eye contact.

It was funny...there were several attorneys sitting behind us in the courtroom who were talking while we were waiting on the judge. They were all complaining and trading stories about how over-used and abused restraining orders are, and were talking about how the county should start charging people big fees to do it so they would take it more seriously. Just kind of ironic, I wondered how it made WW feel.

I'm also thinking if she does get an attorney and explain that one or both of us want a divorce, an attorney might persuade her not to waste her $$$/time pursuing a frivolous RO and instead try to get the two sides to work something out in D.

My attorney is going to get me in to file D ASAP, hopefully tomorrow. I told them I could even go in later today. WW has to realize that I am filing D at this point. She might have today off and file first, don't know if that matters really. I have no idea how prepared she is with the paperwork side of things, or the $$$ side. I don't think I will have a problem getting my side filed and served before next Friday.

Went over the order and my documents again with the attorney today and she felt my odds were good. I didn't catch this before but WW asks for a temporary transfer of ownership of the vehicle she keeps asking about in her RO filing, which my attorney said looked irrational given that it's a stalking RO and not a domestic abuse RO. She also felt like WWs emails to me after filing her Ex Parte will really work against her before a judge.

We'll have to see. I'll keep you guys posted.

Tell your lawyer you want that Petition filed ASAP! When I filed, I went into my lawyers office in the afternoon one day, provided him the basic information and details and he filed within 24 hours. This is basic pleading practice (forms on his/her computer) and they should be able to get it filed immediately.

^That's what I told them verbatim today. ASAP. Does who files first affect a case like this? I presume it does.

I will follow up with their office here a bit to see if they can get it done today.

As the Plaintiff in a Divorce case, Only you can rescind the Divorce Petition. If you are the Respondent, then the moving party has control.

Also, you would be the 1st party to be requesting Discovery and the the other party is on the clock to answer timely.

Finally, there is a slight psychological advantage of being the one who declares that This Is Enough as nd now the line is drawn into the sand.

Otherwise, both parties have an obligation to meet certain response deadlines, but Your attorney can slow or hasten the pace if so directed.

LTL

I am going to caveat all of the following with a disclaimer that I am not licensed to practice in your state and the following should not be construed as legal advice. You should seek legal advice from a lawyer licensed to practice in your state.

In my experience (I am not a family law attorney but have litigated many other types of cases and have many friends who are family law attorneys - we talk), as far the Divorce itself goes, there is really no procedural advantage. Once it's filed, either party can request discovery at any time. The Petition (sometimes called a Complaint) and Answer (sometimes called a Reply, Response, etc) are the initial pleadings that kick off any type of litigation regardless of type, including Divorces. The Petition is the first pleading and contains very high level allegations necessary to state a cause of action along with what you're asking the judge to do such as grant a divorce, award money or property, etc. The Answer is just that, the other party's response to the initial pleadings (usually in the form of "Defendant admits the allegations in paragraph one of the Petition" or "Defendant denies the allegations in paragraph two of the Complaint." The Answer is also where you state any affirmative defenses you might have such as "failure to state a claim upon which relieve may be granted." Finally, with the answer, the respondent can also assert what are called cross claims and counterclaims against the Petitioner. Basically, those are the equivalents of, "You can't divorce me because I'm divorcing you".

Discovery can occur at any time. Before a cause of action ever begins, there is a type of discovery called Discovery in Anticipation of Litigation. Discovery can be sent with the initial Petition/Complaint, with an Answer or at any time during the course of the action in accordance with what's usually called a Case Management Plan set out by the judge. Practice varies from lawyer to lawyer and place to place as to when to serve the intial discovery.

So, what does that mean? First, if you are the first to file, anyone whoever looks up your case or finds a reference to your case your name will show as the person who filed the suit. There is a psychological inference (not always true, but it exists nonetheless) that the person who files is the person who was wronged. Second, and most importantly, in my opinion being the first to file furthers your defense of the Restraining Order your wife is currently seeking. Sometimes, a Divorce Petition will include a section covering Orders of Protection or Restraining Orders. In this second, your lawyer could include language that mutually restrains both of you from the same stuff such as the following:

Petitioner requests:

A continuing restraining order should be entered which restrains or enjoins the both the petitioner and the defendant from disturbing the peace of the other party.

A continuing restraining order should be entered which restrains or enjoins both the petitioner and the respondent from going onto the grounds of or entering the home, work place or school of the other party.
.
A continuing restraining order should be entered which restrains or enjoins both the petitioner and the defendant from knowingly coming within or knowingly remaining within (distance) _______________ of the home, work place or school of the other party.


The beauty of this is that 1) it gives your wife her Restraining Order without a Restraining Order on your record that will show up on a background check; and 2) will cause the judge to dismiss her current Restraining Order because the divorce pleadings will cover it and, also, becuase it may cause the judge to dismiss all of her claims in his mind thinking to himself, "this is just your typical ugly divorce and the wife is being vindictive against the husband who clearly doesn't want to be near the wife otherwise he wouldn't have filed for divorce."

Also, as Learning to Live noted, only the Petitioner can voluntarily dismiss a case on their own without the consent of the other party.

Other than those, in my opinion there is really no reason to rush to the courthouse. The reason I am suggesting you get it done ASAP and be the first to file is solely for the value/advantage it will gain you in the current Restraining Order proceedings.

^Thank you so much for that clarification, that's exactly what I needed to know. I will ensure the filing is done tomorrow.

Hi Axe,

I think you are taking a good course of action. You need to protect yourself. Just because you are filing for divorce does not mean that your marriage can't be recovered, though, if I'm reading your right, I can tell that recovery is becoming less hopeful or desirable in your mind right now.

I filed for a legal separation right after I found out about my wife's affair because I wanted ensure that my children would not be taken to the country where my wife's affair partner lived. I knew nothing about him other than that he was a wealthy Muslim. I feared they would visit and I wouldn't see them again. My wife responded to my petition by counter-filing for a divorce. Eleven months later we were divorced, and I thought it was all over. Seven months after that we were re-married.

Your situation is different than mine, but I wanted you to know that divorce doesn't mean that it's over.