Hi there, I'll try and keep this story as short as I can...
My husband and I got together when we were 17, married years later at the age of 30. We thought we had the perfect relationship but weren't aware of the useal marriage strains.... Too much work, stress, blame, household chores, feeling unwanted, lack of a sex life.... etc.
I had an affair with a work colleague three years ago which nearly put an end to our marriage. We didn't want to end it but instead ended up in limbo because neither of us knew how to fix us and we both put up protective walls. I found it hard to get over the other person and my husband found it hard to get over he resentment. We tried counselling but I didn't commit.
After a year in limbo my husband then went online and had an affair with someone. He got found out and then promised not to see her again and work on our marriage.
We didn't have the tools to work on our marriage so again ended up in limbo.
Since last August I have found out that my husband has continued to see this woman even though he promised not to.
We still live together and sleep together, we have a sexual relationship and sometimes act like nothing has happened. He knows that I am committed to making this work and have bought number out marriage help books so I have all the tools to help us reconnect.
My issues is that as soon as he sees her he comes home and says he's going to move out because of her but then after arguing he'll still want a hug or a kiss.
It's like an addiction he can't control, he can't help but sneak off to see her and he won't unfriend off of Facebook. He feels guilty if he doesn't see her....
I have told him that we could have an amazing marriage if we reconnected but I have no chance all the time he is addicted to her.

What can I do?? I don't want to throw away 17 years just because he is struggling with an addiction? She lives 30mins away and is already a single mum with two kids.

I have totally removed my wall and am really open and willing to make this work just by the information I have read. Every time I try and tell him bits of info he sees that I'm lecturing and patronising him. I just don't know how I can make him see past his affair to what he's really throwing away

Any ideas?

Welcome to MB.

Your marriage has never recovered from your affair and now his affair.

Do you still work with OM? Was he married?

How old are your children?

Who all knows about your affair?

Who knows about his affair?

Have you read this? Exposure 101

Have you both been tested for STDs?

Also, have you read all of these? SAA-Start Here First

Ginag,

You can start with your side of the fence first, inform the wife or significant other, and family of your OM of the affair. Also report the affair to management at your workplace.

God Bless
Gamma

You need to move far away. You need to start a new life in a new location.

Dr Harley makes this recommendation to a woman in one of his Q&A columns, which I will find for you later. He recommends that the wife in a situation like yours, where her H cannot give up his addiction, moves away by herself if her H won't agree straight away. If they get back together, they cannot live in that house and that area again, so the wife might as well get that process started on her own.

Start making plans to move away. If you have a mother that you can live with, do that. Abandon the life you have now if you want this heartache to end.

Start with the current affair NOW. This is the crisis that you are currently facing and that threatens to break up your marriage. Your affair from 3 years ago is not relevant to the threat your marriage faces right now.

Thanks for the advice. We are both 35 with no children. Moving away does sound drastic but I know what you mean.
It's just so surprising that when I speak to him sometimes it's like talking to another person when he's been with her... And I know him so well.
I have read about playing it cool and acting like you've moved on but then he just thinks I don't care. But if I'm crying in his face I feel like I'm giving him a guilt trip but I can't help it.
I just want to somehow open his eyes and make him see the bigger picture of what he's doing. I
If I shout at him it pushes him away
If I act distant that pushes him away
If I tell him what I've learnt/read that pushes him away
If I'm tearful that pushes him away...
just don't know how to talk to an addict??

Do you still work with OM?

No my affair ended after a few months of happening although I wasn't over it in my mind for maybe a year afterwards. I don't work with that guy anymore and have no intention of ever seeing him again. I have learnt my lesson and my husband knows that I am trying to make things work between us. He still throws my affair into my face though saying he can never get over it and it was my fault that I drove him to have an affair

We went into limbo after my affair as we both had walls up and no help or tools to save us. He gave up and looked elsewhere instead

He is always contradicting himself in what he is saying and his actions. Like saying nasty cold things and then telling me that he doesn't mean to hurt me and kisses and cuddles me.... It's really messing with my head

They say you only see clearly and understand the situation when you hit rock bottom and feel the pain which is what I am doing but he clearly isn't in the same place as me

Welcome to MB.


This is important. I didn't see an answer.

Hi Ginang, Dr Harley advises that a woman get a separation because trying to get him back makes you look unattractive and can be devastating to your emotional health. Sugarcane is correct, you should move away and hope that he follows. If he doesn't end his affair, you will be better off divorced. And if he does, you will have a marriage that is far away and safe from the OW.

Most of our friends and family know about both affairs.... It's all out on the open. His family think he's mad for doing what he's doing

Ginag,

But has the OW in your WHs case and your OM in your case been exposed?

God Bless
Gamma

Yep both been exposed as much as I think they can.... I messaged all the OW friends on Facebook. It was her Ex that told me what was going on originally. My previous affair was exposed because my husband came to work with my chopped up wedding dress.
Maybe I should try more of her friends on Facebook

If you have exposed his affair (to her family and friends and his family, friends) and he won't end it you should go into Plan B. Dr. Harley only recommends BW be in Plan A for 3 weeks.

Have you read about Plan B?

Yeah I have but I feel that if I let him leave then we will never address our issues and he'll have all the time he wants to make his connection with the OW stronger.

IT feels very dangerous when he's so wrapped up in her?

When we're together I just don't know how to be around him.... Do I still hug him and kiss him, do I keep my distance?
He seems to connect more with me when I'm crying as he said I show vulnerability compared to when I'm acting distant with him.

God it's so hard, especially when I just need a hug and a shoulder to cry on

Ginag,

Actually now you are allowing him the comfort of his marriage, along with the excitement of his affair, it's called cake eating and can go on for a long time.

By forcing the affair partners together btw, you will also be forcing them into the conflicts that real relationships have to endure. It's now all fun, but this changes fast when you actually have to live with someone.

Affairs are fragile anyhow very few make it two years and even fewer make it to marriage, and of those that make it to marriage a large percentage fail. These back and forth relationships are torture on the betrayed spouses.

Was your OM married?

God Bless
Gamma

Well, the issue is an affair. You aren't going to address that as long as he is having an affair. And as long as you are hanging around and available while he is having an affair, you lessen the chance you will ever reconcile because it makes you look so unattractive.

His connection with the OW is already very strong, but if you remove yourself entirely, then reality will intrude into his little fantasy, which ruins the affair.

You should MOVE and go into Plan B. Plan B is cutting off all contact entirely. Hanging around makes you look like an unattractive option.