Yes, I would say he is definitely a renter. His word when he married me clearly meant nothing. He lied to me on a daily basis. The night before he left me we were discussing the fact that we were looking for a house, he said he was 150% sure he still wanted to be with me for the rest of our lives. I don't want a divorce ideally and I do love him and would do anything if I knew it would improve the marriage, but maybe I'm putting him on a pedestal because of my feelings and how much I miss him...

Do you commonly see these types of relationships ending quickly or do they sometimes last?

Dr. Harley says most affairs die a natural death within 2 years.

MelodyLane told you in your first thread that he was a freeloader.

I recommend that you re-read your first thread.

This affair is not your biggest problem. Even if this affair ended today, your WH has not demonstrated much care for you and the issue has been compounded with your setting the bar so low and enabling such behavior.

You realize this? Yes?

Sad (for you and also for the people that invested a lot of time posting to you) that you disappeared for a couple of months and much of the advice on this thread was dismissed.

This thread is a good example of what not to do for any BS!

Wow, I am supposed to be getting ready to head out and I just spent the last 10 mins skimming through all of your threads....

Sorry, Safetysuit, but this may be one of the worst cases of denial I have seen on these forums in a while.

Red flags were raised in all of your threads about your H's behavior...and as far as I can tell ALL advice was dismissed. All of it. I really don't see where you implemented MB anywhere.

MB can still help you (a) in divorce and personal recovery and (b) in the small chance that your WH tries to get you to meet his ENs so that you don't get sucked back into this mess ALL over again.

But the first step is to stop being in denial and second step is to stop being terrified of upsetting your WH.

It IS textbook cheating husband.

A rare one (and certainly few OWs) would say they started a romantic, sexual relationship with H was still living at home with his wife and kid.

Fact is.....most likely that they were dating and having sex before he abruptly left you.

Now. Though that hurts....it is not uniquely due to you as a woman. It is the nature of infedelity and betrayel. It sucks.

You CAN divorce him and move on and find another man. You can also take this one back should he ever step up to the plate to make ammends to you.

Work on your flaws meanwhile so you are in a good place for yourself and your child.

Absolutely!

Safety, if you knew that you could fight and WIN...then would you want to stay married or call it quits?

x2000! This IS what the world will believe!

Before I found MB, I didn't really want a divorce, but I had sucked it up buttercup and swallowed my H's gaslighting for so long that it felt like it may be somehow EASIER to move on with my life and let the chips fall where they may.

Once I came here and saw hope, I fought the fight of my life, and I had the threads of others before me to read and keep me going (and thank you God that I kept going).

My H was one of the "hopeless" ones, with years and YEARS of no boundaries. He is not the same man today. I am not the same woman today either.

Recovery STARTED once I grew the guts to expose properly.

If it's embarrassment causing your vacillation, I get it. Hit in the solar plexus and deer in the headlights. But people here on your thread WILL help you the whole way through exposure and also through the fallout afterwards that you seem to be expecting.

Please just explain one thing to us...if you are wanting to stay married, and yet willing to walk away from your marriage without a fight...just WHY or WHAT are you so afraid of if your H gets "angry" at exposure? WHAT do you have to lose?

This is ludicrous. No one leaves a warm bed for a cold one and then miraculously stumbles on a relationship serious enough to live together nanoseconds later. Everyone is onto them, wondering why you are condoning this and probably suspect you either don't care or had an open marriage

People are willing to show disgust, shock and support for your pain - but you have to speak out.

No one is going to speak out if you are too complacent to do so yourself.



People in affairs are very foggy and stupid. They think everyone is buying their lame story. They've worked so hard to get their betrayed spouse to believe nonsense they think the world will too!

Sadly your silence is very convincing to others.

However you are the only non wrong doer. The one who can speak truth simply and let the obvious facts speak for themselves.

Once it is made obvious to them that everyone is sniggering and sneering, exposure triggers that sense of inner shame.

It's your job to do this. Currently you are the affair's hind leg. It's third stool leg. You are the one who decides how the world sees it.

It's common for men to remain in love and feel that love entirely for whoever he is with at the time. Men separate their lives better than women.

This is why OW has pressured him to move out. She is far more aware than you are.

My husband literally said EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. of those things, and worse. A little more than a year later we are in recovery and he regrets all of those things he said. I PROMISE you, he is in a fog, and those things aren't true, he just thinks they are.

All waywards say the exact same things. This thread I created pretty much goes over the script.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2549782&page=1

Usually when a BS feels she is very confused the problem can be easily solved by NOT listening to the "feelings" of a proven liar!

"I love you" is a lie from a cheating man and so is "I don't love you". The only thing worth talking about is the truth - and the only people worth taking to are the ones who don't know!

I am particularly concerned for this poster's little daughter. The poor child has years of misery ahead as her mother is lied to and beaten down. Nothing is being done to fight off the would-be stepmother who will be going for the child next, after destroying the mother.

A good friend of mine had a similar experience from the ages of 5-19 because her mother did not know about exposure.

He father was clueless throughout and when he divorced the step-monster he said "I've had to divorce J, even though I know you love her"

Friend (who had no idea she was ever a mistress) said "Are you kidding? I hate her and I don't know why she has always hated me. Maybe now you can tell me why."

It was because mistresses are smart and they know they are the shameful secret. They are only a temporary, albeit obssessive, addiction - they know that the man always craves returning to his family.