How you know it was only an EA?

As to WW saying she did not have sex with her OM. Well Bill Clinton said he did not have sex with that woman.

You needed to play chicken for your peace of mind?
Sir, you're not going to make it if you keep pulling stunts like that.

This is not a matter of not talking about the A, but rather one of her maintaining tight EP's and boundaries. It *should* make you nervous when she deletes texts. It would make any BS nervous and possibly triggered, and should be concerning to ANY spouse who wants RH in their relationship. You should absolutely tell her that deleting texts to hide them from you, does not make you feel protected. It should be part of the EP's you both have in place to protect your marriage. No secrets.

Here it is. Radio Clip on PTSD

On of our EP's was to never delete texts. When I mentioned this, she said because this was related to something completely different, that she thought it wouldn't bother me. The problem is, that this triggers me to remembering when she did that for other reasons.

The other thing I told her yesterday, is that when she hides something because she is worried about what I will think, it makes me feel like her strict father, instead of her loving understanding husband. I try to tell her all the time, that I don't judge her, and I love her no matter what. I want her to think of me as her best friend, and someone she is not afraid to share anything with.

Don't argue about what has already been deleted but make it clear that going forward, deleting texts is a problem regardless of the topic.


I caution you not to tell your wife things like this. This is not a good marriage philosophy. We are supposed to judge and not love someone no matter what they do. You kill your own stance that EPs are required as well...because you won't judge her and will love her no matter what. She would have no incentive to change and protect you or your marriage. KWIM?

This is an example of a gas lighting statement. She deleted the texts because she wanted to keep them from you.

AM

x2

Interesting...I never thought of that when I said that. I was mostly trying to create an environment of safety for her. I don't want her to be afraid to express things. I want her to come to me with anything that is on her mind. I feel sometimes that she keeps things from me because she fears I will judge her too harshly. I need to figure out the best way to approach this.

How do I address and navigate through certain situations that arise, in regards to boundaries and EP�s. When an EP is violated, what do I say?

Here is another conversation we had a couple weeks ago, that I didn�t know how to address correctly. So to give a little background to the situation, Since my wife has gone to day shift, and is on a new crew, she has become friends with a guy that sits next to her. I have known of this guy for a few years, because my wife has told me that he is very openly gay. A few months ago, I brought up the fact that she was talking to him a lot, and that one of our EP�s was no Opposite sex friendships, other than general polite small talk. Well, she said it is different, because he is very gay, and all of their conversations, are in a group atmosphere. I told her I was okay with this, but to be mindful, that there are still boundaries when sharing personal things. Anyways, she will quite often tell me about their conversations, and one of the things they talk about quite a bit, is my wife being able to pick out who in the building is gay. I guess there are a lot of gay guys that work at my wife�s work. So, over the last few months, I let her tell me all about these conversations, and I am glad that she likes to tell me about what she talked about at work.

So, here is where things went wrong. A couple weeks ago, she was telling me that this friend, I will call him GF(Gay friend), pointed someone out to her that is in another area, and told her that he is gay. Well, later that day, my wife was talking to another girl that works in that area, and mentioned something about that certain guy being gay, and I guess he isn�t gay at all, and so she was telling me about how she was mad a GF, because she felt stupid. I had been getting a little tired of hearing these stories for a few weeks prior to this conversation, so I decided to as nice as possible, tell her what I thought.

So, I started off by saying, �Please don�t get defensive�, (which is probably not the best way to start a comment), but maybe you shouldn�t be constantly talking about the sexual orientation of other men? Then I said maybe there are more wholesome things to talk about. Well, she got all upset, and said �Fine! I won�t tell you anything about work then�. So this upset me, because the last thing I wanted to do was upset her.

So how should I have handled this?

How do I nicely say I am tired of hearing about something?

How do I nicely try and give her advice, without her getting defensive?

Should I even be okay with a friend like this, because of the fact that he is meeting her need for �Interesting Converstation�?

Do not ignore me on this.

"It hurts me deeply that you chose not to follow that EP. I need you to follow these EPs in order for me to feel safe in this marriage."

Eventually, if she will not follow them, you may need to separate from her. If it comes to that point, don't threaten to do it, just do it.

That was a mistake on your part. You should NOT be okay with her developing a friend of the opposite sex. I don't care if he IS gay or not, he can still make lovebank deposits for her.

You made a DJ declaring her conversation topics as unwholesome. "Wholesome" is a value judgement.

The real problem here is her opposite sex friendship with this man. It needs to end, for the sake of your marriage.

Sorry Prisca, I guess I didn't realize it was a question as much as an observation.


It was one of those things I needed to know for myself. If she had been to his place, then I would dismiss everything that I previously thought I knew. I wish I could just believe everything she said, but my mind doesn't let me anymore.

I guess I didn�t even think about despite the fact that he is �Gay�, my wife is not, and can still have her needs met by him, therefore having her Love bank filled. Thank you for wording it the way you did. So how do I go about telling her this without her blowing up, and telling me that I am controlling, and just don�t want her to have any friends?

The point is that you are making radical departures from the recovery plan and taking extraordinary risks. What business do you have expecting wife to follow extraordinary precautions when you are causing her to violate them yourself? You will never have peace of mind by playing chicken.

You are focusing way too much on your wife's mental state and reactions instead of on her behavior.

I sometimes make DJ�s, and I don�t even realize it. So if she is constantly talking about �The sexual orientation of men at work�, and it bothers me, how do I let her know nicely? I just didn�t think that was a good thing to think about all the time. I just never know what to say.

I don't want you to miss that point. If you will not protect your marriage by sticking to EPs, then you really can't expect your wife to do so either.

EPs are for both of you.

You don't try to trigger your wife to see how she responds. You don't tempt her. You don't test her by taking her anywhere NEAR OM.

I agree, that it was not a very smart thing to do, but at the time I was really struggling with thoughts of whether or not I wanted to recover our marriage. I was floundering with feelings of pain and resentment, and was questioning if I would ever be able to get over things. I soon snapped out of this phase, and got back on track. part of that was due to the fact that I no longer questioned if she had been to his place. This was about three months ago.

"It bothers me to talk about the sexual orientation of men at work."

Understood Roughrock. MB is not a program that advocates unconditional love is what I was trying to get at but I get what your intent was. Just watch out how you deliver the message.