I spent a lot of time here about 4 years ago, couldn't remember my screen name a while back, and came here again under a new screen name.

I make twice as much money as my husband and we rely on my income. I have a PhD and he has an associates degree so I have taken my career path much more seriously and that is okay with both of us.

Currently, I am a minority owner in a business and it was a bad decision because the majority owner has made things very uncomfortable and is harming the business and I am not sure if I will have a job tomorrow or 6 months from now or maybe I can turn it around. It's very unclear.

We have a two year old and I am expecting another child soon (the business issues started just after we conceived this baby) so I am very concerned about our livelihood.

I am being heavily recruited for a fantastic position in another state. It would be a $30,000 pay increase, it requires no travel (I travel a lot now and don't want to), and I would be doing exactly what I have always wanted to do One of my great friends lives there and my DH loves her and her husband and they have a 2 year old.

However, my DH refuses to move away from his family and in his view I should take a job I will dislike where we live now if/when the business fails because he doesn't want to move. We have some strain because I feel like he often puts his family before me and I think a move would do well for our relationship. He also doesn't think he will like the state where the job is even though he has never been there.

I have tried various negotiation ideas like since I would have the pay increase I would be happy to pay for their flights to us and plenty of flights for us to see his family. He is not willing to discuss it.

Does MB and POJA mean I can't consider it? I am a long term thinker and our family budgeter and I am so stressed about what the future holds for us financially if I don't take it. My area of expertise if very niche so jobs like this only come along every few years. I'm so worried and frustrated.

Sticking to one 'must have' option is not PoJA. Your wanting this one 'must have' job isn't PoJA and his insisting on living near his family is not PoJA.

Does he PoJA? He cannot put his family before you in any decision if PoJA is used in your marriage.

I would tell him you aren't going to take a job you dislike (that isn't PoJA either). Obviously you are willing to take this job elsewhere, but also say that you are also willing to look at jobs you may enjoy closer to home (If you are). Make him part of the job hunting process. It's his need for FS we are talking about here so he needs to generate some ideas that will get you enthusiastic about working nearby. I would suggest you are open to that discussion but very firm that you must enjoy the end-choice.

Joyce and Dr H faced this problem and she did not want to move away from f&f. Dr Harley had a great job offer and suggested a 'trial move' in which they could return home instantly and sulk-free if she wasn't enjoying the new place. He then went out of his way to make sure she enjoyed the same kinds of things as at home and she loved it.

You could both do a 'trial move' under the proviso that you keep job hunting after taking this opportunity so you can return closer to his family when a job opens up.

But he would have to be enthusiastic about the 'trial move'.

Is he allowed to disagree?

Is that okay?

POJA means the two of you keep brainstorming ideas. You haven't found an idea that the two of you BOTH love. Yet. Keep throwing around ideas.

In the meantime, you do not move.

Technically, staying near his family is not a violation of POJA. It is the default position of POJA -- they don't do anything, so they stay near his family.

She is not happy because she wants the new job. There are many ways in which both of them can be happy, and many of them may include staying near his family. But he is not violating POJA by just not wanting to move away from family.

Does your H not have a problem with you traveling for work?

Is he the primary caretaker of your child and/or will be primary caretaker when the second one arrives?

Does H's family help with your child?

Welcome to MB

He would definitely do well to be open to moving.
You would do well to be open to more options.
I see the main problem here as neither one of you being open to more options.

My husband was never really into the idea of MB so while I have learned a lot here and attempt to POJA with him, he doesn't 100% follow the rules of POJA.

Neither of us are enthusiastic about me having to travel and that has been part of the strain in my current business arrangement. He has made it clear that he does not want me to travel at all when the new baby comes (and I don't want to either) but that will be the last straw in my current arrangement (it's part of the strain in that arrangement) and so I will no longer have work. He isn't as much of a long term thinker and worrier as me, though, so he is saying that we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

When we have talked about moving in the past, he says he doesn't want to move more than 3 hours drive from his parents. But, where we currently live (it's not Michigan), there is basically nothing in a 3 hour radius around us.

He has also said that if/when we move we will never move again because he wants a stable forever home so there are no trial periods available.

I am the primary caretaker of our child. When I have to travel his parents come and stay at our house with him.

I am open to more options but they all require moving. There are many many places I would be willing to move. The jobs might not be quite as perfect fits but there are a few other options that are outside of his 3 hour radius that he will also not consider.

If you are going to set requirements before negotiating, then you are not really open to more options.

These weren't rhetorical questions.

While it may be hard for you to go along with this, you may want to try to stop the long term thinking and worry. Given that neither of you want you in a traveling job after the baby comes (plus being away from home is a bad idea for marriage anyway) perhaps you ask him to sit down and discuss your budget since it is likely you will not have work in the near future. Maybe he will be more open to discussing options when he sees that you will have to cross that bridge very soon.

Regarding your first question, he agrees that we have a lot of strain over his family and that being away from them won't help. He will not negotiate less time with them while we are here, though. He says if we are here then we must spend time with them. And, he often invites them over without even telling me until they are on our doorstep to avoid the disagreement about it.

For your second question, I guess it should be okay but it doesn't feel very open on his part. Right now it feels like his circle of possibilities is so small that there is nothing we can negotiate.

If we were to stay here and I ended up in a job I disliked, I would at least like to be around his family less but that is not up for negotiation.

Are you open to changing the type of work you do?

There's no telecommuting possibility in your current line of work? Literally "nothing" within a three hr radius??

He finds any discussion of budget excruciating and has no desire to be involved. He spends what he wants and I spend time saving and worrying and juggling trying to accommodate, which I know is not in line with MB but we would otherwise go bankrupt. In the past I did some lovebusters to keep our budget in line but now I walk the line between me feeling love busted and him feeling love busted over budget.

The job I want is as a university professor in a very niche area so the jobs are limited. What I am doing now is consulting in this very niche area. I entered into a business relationship with an investor (who owns 80% of the business) who said I could do it with limited travel and telecommute and he has since changed his mind saying that I need to maximize travel and earn the business as much as possible or he is dissolving it. Without going into detail, travel work earns significantly more than telecommuting. The 80% owner is making it very difficult for me legally to quit this business and start my own ran the way I want.

There are other jobs I would consider but they would either require a significant pay cut which my husband is not enthusiastic about or they would require me to go back to school which would be a short term pay cut and debt and my husband will also not support that approach.

Well if your H doesn't want to discuss or address anything, the best you can do is present your options and respectfully keep asking him to discuss with you. You should make him aware that you are worried, unhappy and losing love for him if he refuses to discuss real alternatives with you. I don't know if you have plainly put it that way to him.

Do you have anything specific in a business contract about your travel requirements or duties?

No, he insisted that we didn't need that level of detail in the contract and I stupidly and naively went along with it. It was a mistake that I sorely regret.

Okay, and I guess the MB way would be that if he still says no we stay put until I don't have a job? It just seems like a lot of suffering for me and my kids that we wouldn't have to put up with if he would be willing to negotiate.

POJA and negotiation has to be adopted by both of you, or it will not work. You both must be willing to live by the guideline.

You should not move if he is reluctant.
He should not be seeing his family if you are reluctant.

Those of us on this board are not going to be able to come up with a solution for the two of you that will make you happy. We can't. It's going to have to be up to the two of you to negotiate and plan.

If I were you, I would concentrate on getting him onboard with POJA and negotiation before trying to come up with a solution on the job and moving.