Deduct this time, because in order to be effective, it must be in blocks of time 2-4 hours. This is what I cautioned you about earlier and that is counting time that you already do at HOME and labeling it UA time. That hour is fine if it is at the tailend of a 3-4 hour date.

I would hyper focus on changing your lifestyle and getting QUALITY UA time. Don't try to just count what you are already doing.


Doesn't count. See above.


ONE DATE will not cut it. You need to be more creative if you want it to be impactful. A "date night" will not change your marriage. Date nightS.

I would keep working on this until you find a way to get out on DATES outside of the house.

The best time to schedule your dates will be when you have the most energy. For example, most couples with small children are exhausted after 8pm so that is not a good time to schedule time. I would shoot for around 4-5 to 7-8. I don't know about you, but my H and I are exhausted after 8pm and we don't have little children. But we are feeling our best earlier in the evening.

MelodyLane: Thanks for posting some of Dr. Harley's words. Our marriage is NOT low priority and we don't refuse. We LOVE spending time together. We are simply trying to figure out how to get more without breaking the bank and while doing activities that we love.

We won't be spending our time at home with our daughter present. (Addressing Dr. Harley's issue that "one of your children will interrupt your privacy." Our daughter sleeps like a lamb, 12 hours a night and naps for 3 hours a day. We would be woodworking or gardening or playing music together during that time. I understand that at some point she will stop going to bed so early and will stop taking naps and that we will need to find a sitter more. At that point, she will be of an age that we are more comfortable with leaving her in someone else's care. It is not that we place her a priority over our relationship. A lot of it is that at 20 months she really struggles getting to sleep without my husband or I. We experienced this issue yesterday actually because she spent the day at my mom's and she wouldn't go down for a nap until WAY too late and then we had a real struggle at bedtime. Once we get her to sleep, she is out like a light. But we really minimize someone else laying her down because it simply does not work and makes our lives miserable. So doing dates after she is in bed is much better. And I have already mentioned that we will be looking into doing a swap for care after she is in bed.

We are working on that creativity you speak of. Part of that is choosing some really desirable activities at home. Part of it is getting childcare.

The problem with late night dates is people are exhausted after 8pm when they have been working all day long. I know that is the time when my H and I peter out.

Why not go out earlier and plan to put her to bed when you get home at 8:30?

See I did not realize that it needed to be 2-4 hour spans. I don't see why 1 hour won't work. I'm not trying to count time we were already spending. We weren't doing this. It's a new thing we are trying to adopt after seeing how much better it made our relationship.

I can see what you mean about after 8 o'clock. But how are we going to continue to get our 15 hours of family time if we spend our daughter's awake time away?

We put her to bed at 7, and my husband doesn't get off work until 5, so he only has 2 hours with her every night and that includes our mealtime. I can see giving this up one or two nights a week, but not 4.

I can definitely see this being an issue. I will have to consider that.



Her bedtime is 7 o'clock (getting her to bed takes about 30 minutes, so she's usually asleep by 7:30). So I guess we could go out from 5-7. My husband doesn't get off work until 5. But again, that makes it so that my husband doesn't see his daughter for the entire day.

It doesn't work so you need to plan 2-4 hour blocks. So deduct any onesies. A date should be more like an EVENT, not a quick pass by, in order to be effective.


You need to figure that out because your UA time is the most important time in your marriage. THAT is more important to your daughters welfare than the time you spend with her.

You could do this 2-3 times during the week and go out on your dates at 5. If you get home at 8:30 you could put her to bed then.

Or stay out until 8 and come home and put her to bed.

You are going to have to get creative and plan out your entire week.

We get 15 hours UA each week AND 15 hours family commitment (FC) time. I posted a link above to one of our sample weekly schedule, but here it is for easy reference:

Sunday: Church, (4 hours FC)

Monday: mom babysits, dinner and shopping (4 hours UA)

Tuesday: gym night (4 hours UA)

Wednesday: dinner out with kids then play in the park (4 hours FC)

Thursday: gym night (4 hours UA)

Friday: game night with kids (4 hours FC)

Saturday: take kids to the pool (4 hours FC)
Susie from church babysits, eat out and go for a drive (4 hours UA)

In that week, we got 16 hours UA and 16 hours FC. That particular schedule won't necessarily work for you, but it shows it can be done.

Brainstorm with abandon - that means jotting down idea after idea after idea, even if they initially sound wild or crazy or undoable. Eventually you will come up with an idea that will work.

Yeah we certainly will need to do LOTS of brainstorming. Especially since her bedtime is so early. I'll let you know what we come up with.

Remember, when brainstorming, write down even the CRAZIEST things you can think of. Even if you don't go with the idea that sounds crazy, it may spur you on to think of an even better idea.

Can someone please explain to me exactly why 1 hour doesn't count? All I have heard is that it doesn't. Can someone cite Dr. Harley on this?

Finding four 4-hour blocks of time to do this is really hard. 15 hours isn't hard at all. Finding it in blocks that large is.

Thanks in advance for pointing me to some of Dr. Harley's words.

Because 1 hour is not really a date. I don't know about you, but when I go on dates with my husband, they are at least 3 hours long. In order to be effective, your dates need to be in blocks of time, not just squeezed into your otherwise busy schedule. When you dated your husband before you were married, did he drop you off after 1 hour?



here

here

here

He has really emphasized the 4 - 4 hour dates on his radio show in the past few years. I have emailed him and asked him to make sure this is added to the articles, because people will look for every single loophole to exploit.


I don't understand why it would be hard. You have 168 hours to work with here. Your marriage is the highest priority in your lives. How do you find time to take care of your child?

Why not put her to bed later? Go out from 5 to 8 and put her to bed at 8:30. Your marriage is much more important than her bedtime. I would sit down with your husband, schedule your dates FIRST and then schedule jobs, child care time, etc. I bet you find the time if you put your marriage first.

UA Time worksheet

I think it's vital you do this now while she is little. Something that can happen when parents spend ALL their time with children is that the child meets their needs and vice versa. Sometimes they become very clingy as a result. This will cause you headaches when it is time for her to go to school or have sleepovers. You're already seeing problems when she is with her grandmother.

I used to babysit for my cousin who was not used to her parents dating (at the age of seven) and she would weep the whole time they were out. She honestly thought they were going to die if she was not there. She was hysterical.

My aunt's marriage had gotten steadily more shaky and when her child turned seven my mother butted in to help her sister, making herself and her daughters her babysitters. After a month my cousin got used to it but my sister and I were freaked out by her neediness at first.

We were accustomed to seeing our parents date and would make a point of watching our mother dress for them. The house used to smell of her perfume for ages and it would be the start of a fun night with our cool aunt/babysitter/grandma.

Now my cousin is a mother herself who makes time for dates!