I agree that the fire station is a VERY fishy story, I suspect it is a cover for a long term affair. Maybe there is a fire station and somehow OW is a part of that, which is why he has kept your family at arms length. Maybe he tried to break it off after child#2 and that is why he stayed away from the 'station' and eventually the addiction of affair overcame him and he went back. There could be a number of explanations here.

But the explanation that makes the least amount of sense is that he, a proposed 'family man' who loved spending time with his family, did not want to have you show your faces there because he just had some belief about it. You have been being gaslit for awhile tweety. I'm sorry.

You really have nothing to lose here. Exposure is your last and most powerful weapon against this affair.

Well I agree it does sound a bit fishy but it's just the way my husband is and unless you know him it's hard to understand. But it's not like he says he's going to a fake fire station. He may not be there all the time but he has been there and is a member. He has all the equipment, which I have seen in person, and t-shirts and the like. I've also video chatted with him, on several occasions, while he was there standing in front of the fire engine. So unless he went to a whole LOT of trouble to set that up, I do believe he's been to the station.

I thank you for your advice and you may think I'm an idiot but I believe this to be true and I will continue to believe it. Now I'm not saying he's not having an affair as I know he is but I don't think the station is at the core of it, though I do think he's been using it as a cover. He could have been having an affair for much longer than I think but it just doesn't seem likely to me. And at this point, it really doesn't matter how long it's gone on; it just needs to end.

So I do plan on doing exposure but it's something I'm struggling with and I need to gather more information first. I won't wait too much longer but I do want to take a few days to get my information together.

On another note, in the exposure thread it talks about sharing evidence to the exposure audience. I don't have a lot in terms of things I actually point too. I have screenshots of the photos of them together and I can pull up our cell phone bill and show he's been calling her...but that's about it. Is that worth setting up a website with or is there a better way to share this proof?

You have his admission that he loves her. That is all the evidence you need, but I would send the pictures if they ask to see your evidence.

When will you be exposing? You need to expose all in one sitting. Copy the templates in the Exposure 101 thread.

Please do find the courage to do the exposure, when I did it I first spoke to a very close friend and finally speaking about it with someone helped me to feel better and with his additional encouragement that this can no longer be kept a secret I was able to sit down and start blasting it out following the plan.

Each time I told another person I gained more comfort that as more people knew the secret was shrinking. Once the secret was gone my wife snapped back into reality and the fantasy and illusions around the affair were gone.

We still have a long road ahead of us, but I now have a person I can work with to build a future. Think of this way if you expose the affair and he doesn't come back what have you lost, he is already gone. If he comes back you have a chance to gain what you hope for.

When you say push back do you have reason to fear him physically, if so that is different than if all you fear is anger and verbal confrontation.

As for the fire station I didn't realize it wasn't your local community, that is a different situation. I know many men who minimize their wives contact with other men at those places and for good reason many times. Usually it is because their wives are very good looking.

Anyway, no more on the fire station from me for now, but I hope if he comes back to you he would be willing to give up something 2 hours away and spend that time with you and kids.

from the reading the other responses it sounds like you building an exposure plan, I hope you find the courage to execute it.

I'm not sure what you consider "admission that he loves her" as he hasn't even admitted that he's seeing anyone else. But ok so I should hold onto the evidence til someone asks.

Thanks Phoenix for all of your advice. It helps to know it's working for you. And I wish you all the best as you work towards a better marriage.

As for fearing him physically, no not really. He's never physically abused me or anything like that. But he does have a bad temper & has been known to punch or kick walls. So his temper does scare me sometimes.

But mostly I honestly fear for him mentally. He honestly seems like a different person lately than the one I married. I don't know if that's just from the affair or if he really should see a dr. So that's one of the things holding me back from doing this.

But yea I'm working on an exposure plan as I work up the courage to go through with this.

I'm sorry my misunderstanding, I thought you saw a text or a note to her telling her he loved her.

Him leaving his family, staying with OW in another state, her having him and her in picture on her Facebook is good evidence.

You have enough evidence for a jury!



His behaviour is textbook. He is now an addict and even though his conscience is killing him, he would rather avoid the guilt trigger (you) than the addiction (her). He will also have behaved very nastily towards you as he sees you as the biggest danger towards his addiction (your description satisfies me that the affair is recent rather than long running or you would have seen these patterns sooner).

That's the beauty of exposure. His entire defense script has been practiced towards fooling and cowing you. He has no lines to respond to the judgement of others.

Your husband is also a very independent person who pushes others away to the point of loneliness. It's why he suffers so acutely with bereavement. Tough love en masse is the best thing you can do for him.

Oh and move and protect all joint funds. I don't like the sound of that cheque you mentioned and he is probably addicted to a woman with financial motivations.

Some overview of the wayward 'script'

Do expose to his dad too, don't overthink their relationship.




This isn't an essential target so it's your call. It would be if it were a workplace affair.

If you get to recovery you are never going to want to lay eyes on this van again, it will carry enourmous triggers. However you could give him time to quit as part of conditions. It might be easier to just get him fired. But it depends on financial considerations.

Remember the goal is to not to avoid making him mad but to put the affair in danger. If exposure doesn't make him mad then you've done it wrong. If he's calm then you've left a loophole which allows the affair to continue.

When he gets mad you should absolutely NOT fight with him. If you remain calm and ride out the tantrum it will scare the bejesus out of him - because that's all he's got and you've figured him out.

Have you exposed?

It's worth keeping in mind you'll feel scared right up to and throughout exposure.

But afterwards, you'll feel like a rock star. Feeling follow actions.

The affair deepens every day it has privacy, so please don't delay.

Sorry for not being on here for a few days. I just needed to take some time for myself, and my sanity, to let things sink in and decide what I want to do. I appreciate all of your feedback and advice and I'm taking it to heart. And I know you all will say the longer I let the affair go on, the more involved my WH gets with the OW. But I have to be OK with what I do and for me I needed this time to think things over.

Over the past few days, I've discovered a few more things about my husband that hurt me more and it's made things harder. For one, I know I said he didn't have a Facebook page but come to find out he actually does. He's just using his firehouse nickname and keeping it secret from me apparently. And, of course, the OW is his friend along with one of her daughters. But from this I was able to get some of his contacts which will help in the long run.

Anyway, I don't know if you all will agree but I've decided to confront my husband first before I expose. I really need to talk with him and hear what he has to say no matter if it's all lies. I plan on calling him tonight and hopefully we can set up a time to talk in person, which is how I'd like to confront him. If that doesn't work, I plan to just discuss this over the phone.

After that I do plan on exposing and am gathering my list of exposure targets now. I will definitely call my husband's mother and father and I have about 20 from my husbands FB list. I'm trying to fine tune the OW's list now. Unfortunately due to financial constraints, if I have to pay $1 for everyone I contact it's going to have to be pretty limited.

I've written up my exposure letters and I will post them here for any feedback in another reply.

Thanks again for all your advice and support.

Friends of OW:

Dear friend of Skanyhola,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that OW is having an affair with my husband, WH. We have been married for 2 years, together for 5, and have 2 small children. They have been having an affair since September according to the evidence. He has used the excuse of needing time to �figure things out� as cover for their affair.

I would ask that you use your influence with OW to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

Thank you,
BW

Friends of WH:

Dear friends of WH,

You probably don�t know me, but I�m WH�s Wife, tweetyj98, and I am writing you this message because you are his friend and deserve to know the truth. WH told me several months ago that he needed to move out for a while to �sort things out,� which has shattered my heart and has hurt our two young sons. He told me that he would be staying at his Fire Station in XXX. However, to my shock, I am saddened to have discovered that the reason is because she has been carrying on an affair with a old girlfriend named OW who resides in XXXX. It seems the true purpose of the separation is so that he can carry on his affair without interference from the kids and me.

I have asked him on several occasions if he was seeing anyone behind my back and he�s continued to be dishonest with me. I really want our marriage to recover from this affair. If you have any influence on my love, please do what you can to get him to stop this dangerous affair. I want to stay married, but the affair must end.

As WH�s friends, I am asking that you use your influence with him to persuade him to end his affair and try to work on our marriage. Our marriage can be salvaged if he would only end the affair. Please support him in doing the right thing. Please support our marriage.

I would so appreciate your support and prayers.

Warmest regards,
BW

Nooooo!

He isn't your husband while the affair lives. You can't confront him. You tried remember?

Bringing it up will only get him pissed, aggressive and not only withdraw lovebank units but forewarn and ruin exposure.

Good letters but a bit too much info in second to last par on his continued dishonesty. I'd just cut that bit because it's not like blatant cheating is any better.

Good family pic of you on FB for exposure. I thought he had a page.