This is why you need to get spyware on the phone and also run it through Wondershare MrFone http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2832187#Post2832187


You have not even started. Your wife is free to delete away all day even if she is using that phone.

It was 6 months ago!, and has ended!, im not taking her talking to him lightly, at that time it was an emotional affair... Its not happening now outside of the office... i can't account for inperson convo's at her desk...

Im not saying otherwise, what is not being understood.. you want to know if she is or was having an affair????? Im telling you she did back in may an emotional one only... I dont have any evidence to prove it still is after thourough snooping......

WE only give that advice when there are multiple red flags pointing to an affair. It would be reckless and irresponsible to enable you in ignoring these obvious flags. You are asking us to treat you for heart disease while you are probably dying of cancer. That is very dangerous. If she is in affair, which I am certain she is, you will be wasting our valuable time and your valuable time. It has to be ruled out.

ok, so let me ask this way then... If she is having an emotional affair currently.. now what? All ive heard is to snoop, and since your all convinced she IS having an affair.. what do I do now?

I want to point out the timeline to you.

You have been together for 10 years, happily married for 6-9 (unclear)

1.5 yrs ago she started a new job

A few months ago you discovered her inappropriate conversations with coworker, and subsequently went through a 'rough patch' due to your 'insecurities'

You worked hard to fill your wifes LB but she was 'shutdown' emotionally

One month ago she asked for a separation

But...she isn't the kind of person to have an affair.

I'm sorry, but you need to wake up and smell the affairland coffee.

You step up your snooping. You get spyware on her devices and a DVR in her car. If you have discovered nothing with your methods yet, you step up your methods.

You can not go to step 2 until you have accomplished step 1.

I'm in IT too. Because of that XH never used email or social media to be in touch with any of the slags, just his office phone because he knew how easy it would be for me to spot what he was up to. But you can get the goods on her with a VAR velcroed under the seat because you will hear the conversations she has with the girlfriends.

Are you capable of embedding a remote keylogger into an e-mail attachment that you know she would open on her work computer, such as in a cute photo that you know she would open?

I don't know how to do that, but read that it is possible.

The VAR in her car would really be invaluable.

LTL

How on earth can it be over when she sees him every day and he is meeting the same needs he's always met!

The only difference is six more months of needs meeting. Six more months of bonding. The affair is more embedded than it was.

And you know HOW embedded it was then. You saw the phone bill. You didn't say what the extent of the calls were but I can guess. Your gut did not like it at all did it?

What on earth do you mean 'only emotional'? Can you think of anything more dangerous than your wife being in love with someone else?

If it's not sexual already then it very soon will be. She's pushing for a separation so she can get more affection and conversation - just like she did from the phone calls. He won't expect sex? From a woman in love with him, separated and whom he's groomed for months?

Find a way to catch them. You were not wrong about those phone calls. You know there is nothing else seriously wrong. You know if she had no love in her life she'd ask for it to be revived with you.

She most likely does have hidden devices or is seeing him at lunch for in depth talks (and probably inappropriate hand holding and kisses if not worse) at the very least.

When I was singing a similar denial song (I always know where he is!) They were skipping work and walking around holding hands.

What you do now is get solid evidence. Once you have that, you will need to expose the affair and KILL IT. We will help you do this in a very strategic, careful way. Affairs thrive in secrecy and the environment of fantasy. When they are exposed, they begin to crumble. We have had affairs killed the day they were exposed. At the worst, the exposure causes the affair to go into a free fall.

Once the affair is killed, your wife will go into withdrawal from the OM and we will teach you how to attract her back to you.

What about hiring a PI?
Private Investigators

I know all men and women are different, but was wondering what Love bank deposits you all found to be most successfull... im dealing with a wife in withdrawal and just want to right this ship and repair our marriage.

If she is having an affair, then her love bank is closed to you so nothing you do will have any effect until you kill the affair.

If she is not having an affair, then the most impactful thing you can do is go out on 4 - 4 hour dates per week. During those dates, you should be alone and focus on the top 4 intimate emotional needs of affection, conversation, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment.

You will find it hard to make any successful deposits while she is having her affair - the affair we keep telling you that she is having.

Having said that, the goal of PLan A (which you should decide that you are in) is to make LB deposits where you can, and where she will allow, with the goal of chasing off the OM. The most effective deposits for a woman are conversation and affection - but she will not open her love bank to you to allow you to make those deposits, as long as OM is in the picture.

You need to find out about her means of contact with OM and end that, and expose the affair. When the affair ends and her withdrawal from the affair ends (this is different from being in the state of "marital withdrawal"), your deposits will begin to take effect.

You won't be able to side-step the affair problem by starting a new thread, you know. We know what we're doing, and we will keep plugging the affair cancer until you deal with it.

Do you realize how many times we have heard that the one spouse says there is no way possible that their wife/husband could be having an affair and that they already have access to all/most of their communication devices?

Not ONCE, has anyone proven our collective instincts wrong. Not Once!!!

She may not be very actively carrying on with that OM, but she intends to. That's why she is trying to dispose of you, because she thinks she has someone else waiting in the wings on the side.

DID YOU PUT A VAR IN HER CAR YET?

Come on, for around $40.00 to $50.00 bucks you can prove you are right.

Even though her Love Bank is closed for business towards you, because it's open to OM, you should still be attempting to meet those 4 most valuable emotional needs that Melody Lane pointed out. Some day, when you root out the affair and after she goes through withdrawal, she can remember your excellent plan A acts and gestures. They are done now for a future deposit.

Your Gut informed you that something did not feel right, way back in May.

You let her know that her emotional attachment with the OM made you feel ill at ease.

So, she just Stopped having her emotional needs met by this OM?

OR

She continued to have those needs, and maybe more met by him and hides the evidence.

In the meantime, she has become disengaged with you no matter how hard you try and continues to pull away further.

Which option realistically seems to make more sense?

You need to learn about the addiction an affair, (Emotional or physical), and how it changes once wholesome, caring and moral spouses into lifeless emotionally dead aliens to a spouse attempting to show love, care and respect.

To her, while she is entertaining ANY thoughts and connection to the OM, she has her Love Bank COMPLETELY shut down to you. As a matter of fact, your efforts either infuriate or repulse her.

In her mind, it's YOUR Fault she turned to somebody else, because now it's Too Little, Too Late. Why didn't you know she needed that extra attention before? Now, your efforts are all because YOU don't want to lose her.

Wake Up!!!

There IS another man she has gotten attached to and you Know who the enemies of your marriage are.

Find out how to contact the OM's Wife. Maybe HE hasn't deleted info on His cell phone or internet history. Maybe She can install spyware secretly to find out for sure.

They hid there methods of contact. Go find it.

LTL

Im not reaching out to this other mans wife... because if I am wrong, or you are wrong, That will open a can of worms that will be far to destructive to repair, not only for myself but for this OM and his wife. The talking with this other Man was stopped in June, I snooped to confirm that. The issue morphed, after it went down I became very insecure and needy.. I set undiscussed expectations and would get upset if I texted her and didn't hear back in minutes... Or one night we went to bed and she didn't kiss me good night, alot of stupid little things. I was needy and foolish. She told me clear as day to just take it easy, take a step back i was smoothering her... I kept doing it like a fool. She was loving, affectioning and present and i still was looking for more not realizing what i already out of fear of loosing her the whole time even though I had her. It took her taking her rings off for me to see what i was really doing, and how far i pushed her away with smothering... In Nov she said she wanted to try, and I said to her you have to want to try not try because im making you, she agreed... from that point on i backed off, was more myself, and was patiently waiting for her to talk to me about issues she was feeling ( she hasn't been able to talk to me about things she was unhappy about until the last 2 weeks in therapy ) While we were trying i thought things were going much better, I was happier, we had a great time on a vacation, and some outings just the two of us.. had xmas and she got me alot of great gifts as I did her. Dec 30th she asked for seperation, saying things aren't getting better for her, and she feels we are broken beyond compare. She started having these feelings 2 years ago.... 2 years ago her parents divorced, she has suffered her whole life from emotional abandonment of her father and after the divorce that came out full force when he started to date a women with a 14yr old daughter that he did things with that he never did with my wife.. this crushed her. at the same time we had our second child, a boy who was a difficult baby and is on the autism spectrum.. she feels its her fault because of a possible genetic issue she has.( even thought its not ) She is an emotional mess... and has said to me, she doesnt want to stay together and be unhappy the rest of our lives like her parents were... Although not appropriate she was talking to this OM more like a father figure... Ive seen some emails with him, and some texts in the past. Add me into this mix insecure and needy, she started to feel like she wasn't good enough mom, and wasn't a good enough wife... That she wasn't enough for me and i deserve better. Yes sounds like the classic its not you its me line... However i have spoke to my marriage counsler who knows us well now, he see's alot of what im saying, He doesn't believe there is anyone else, She feels she has lost herself and wants to focus on herself as an individual, she wants to get happy... and she feels she can't do that with me. She has mentioned that she feels under my thumb... im not sure why because i dont control her, she wants something or does something i always am ok with it.. She has mentioned she feels the passion is gone, that i look at her as a mom and not a beautiful wife and sexual being... All the farthest from how i feel and ive explained this to her in therapy. AS far as this OM... there is no way for convo to stop with him, its someone she has to work with not everyday but everyweek. The only way to avoid him is to quit her job. She wont do that, she loves the job itself and is fullfilled by the work.. not the people... I dont know what else to say, but thats the bulk of the full story.

If she is still working with him, then it hasn't stopped.

i mean that in respect to speaking to him about our marriage, they have to speak about work related issues. They are in meetings together with 8 other people... The outside of work talking has stopped.

You don't even know how to repair marital damage, so how could you decide that? We do know how to repair marital damage and can teach you if you stay with us. A false accusation of an affair is very easy to recover from. What is hard to recover from is an affair and the damage done by a fogged out abusive gaslighting wayward.

Why are you posting in MB101? Post in SAA until you have ruled out an affair.

Your title:


You can't fix an affair with love bank deposits. I'm sorry.

Why did you start another thread when you were told on your other thread yesterday that she is having an affair? You need to stick with one thread so people can see your whole situation, and you need to deal with the affair problem first. Follow the suggestions offered, because the plan here works. Don't argue with the suggestions or explain why they are impossible or don't apply - just follow them.