Women are wired to leave when they feel neglected or unnecessary. But an abused woman always feels so needed.

The truth is you are neglected. He does not make you happy or meet your needs. He does nothing to secure your future. But because he puts a lot of effort into making you feel obligated - you feel needed.

The only thing you are needed for is endurance. He has only more of the same.

People in love are happy. You're not in love you're in obligation.

There are fewer red flags in the past behaviour of those who shoot up school houses. Most of them had no violent pasts (or the people close to them hid the threats).

Call the authorities, have his gun reremoved and his gun license revoked. Leave him to them so he can get the help he needs.

You can't help.

When most of us lose jobs, or people, we grow stronger. Your bf simply gets more unstable. Don't wait for the next knock to push him over the edge.

There are many people on this forum who had abusive childhoods and are perfectly stable today.

Fighting over a gun is not normal behaviour. You've become FAR too responsible for his instability and you need to leave him to it.

You and your child are going to end up dead too at his next suicide attempt. If not others.

I do feel obligated/ responsible for him. As a Christian, I feel like I would be selfish and cruel to hurt him, to leave him alone, to take his baby, to put him in serious financial bind... and I really don't want to feel responsible for his pain or suicide. I know it's his goal, but he reaally has experienced unfathomable pain.. and I do feel so much pain for him, and soo much guilt. How do I even get started leaving? Our Lives Are So Wound together. I can't just leave with out creating mass destruction to his life.. there really is a good person in there, but he hides behind a monster . I feel like we are both two people. I Want So Much For US To Always Be The Happy people.. I Know Something Is Seriously Wrong When I can not tell my family what's going on. He has us all fooled. I want so hard to understand that we are not helping each other.. to love and let go.. but I am just so terrified to proceed.. I can't handle another incident. I suppose I should make sure My phone is charged this time.... ugh I still feel like I'm over reacting.

It is not "Christian" to stay in an abusive, sick relationship. The Bible tells us not to associate ourselves with works of darkness. Of course the reason is because you will be pulled down into the darkness. That is what you are doing.


It is unrealistic to imagine that you have the ability to help him with his mental problems. You do not. You are not GOD, Ma'am.

Enabling your sick, abusive boyfriend is not "love," nor is it "Christian" to remain in such a sick, dysfunctional relationship. You cannot save your boyfriend, but you can save yourself and your child.

You have a child to think of. If you won't leave for yourself, then leave for your child.

If he REALLY wants you in his life, he will clean up the mess he has created by making it safe for you to be around him. He WON'T do that if you stay.

It's one thing to stay in an abusive, sick relationship when you are single, but you have a child to think about now. You don't have the luxury anymore to cater to silly, romantic, UN-Christian notions about false "compassion."

Misplaced compassion gives power to EVIL. <-------think on that...

1. you don not help a person out of a pit by sitting in there yourself.
2. The only chance he has to ever decide to change his ways is if he realizes he has lost everything because of his behaviour.

And you may want to change the title of your thread to:

I am the victim of a man who abuses me

and if you don't leave, you might as well start a thread for your child with the title:

I have PTSD because my father abused my mother

or

I beat my spouse because it's the scenario I'm most comfortable with

He will need it, because that's what's in your child's future.

Don't choose this man over your child AGAIN.

When you were grappling for that gun you forgot him completely. You were going to leave him alone in this world. He needs you to be smart NOW.

In fact you only had him in an attempt to fix your boyfriend. How old do you think it will take for your son to realise you are unhealthily obsessed with fixing his dad and that means he is second best?

You won't tell your family because you know they would try and help your poor child.

If you don't think YOU deserve better (and I think you do) doesn't he?

BTW committing yourself and your child to this hell is the sickest definition of Christian I've ever heard.

It is no surprise to us that you feel obligated.

That's how abusive men work. Everything they do is your fault or your responsibility - even their childhood.

Real grownups accept and learn from pain. They don't target a 17yo girl and make it her job.

Ok. Thanks. Obviously I put myself out there to be analyzed, but please don't judge me.. I am only trying to be a good person. I felt like I was doing right for my child. As absurd as that sounds. I know it's not an excuse, but please understand, I never had a great family example. I thought my family wasn't doing so bad. Of course I would do anything for my son; it is my only intention for him. I slipped and laid my spine out on concrete steps for him and would do it again and worse for him. I had never felt like i have endangered him, until that infamous night. And that feels so surreal . But your right. And I do Want out. I see my family very soon. Should we just not come back? Is it really that bad?

YES!!!!!!

Email Dr H a clinical psychologist and you will get the same answer. He will tell you to leave because danger is assured. As to whether it'd be possible to rehabilitate your bf, Dr H would no better, but honestly this man has no claim on you.

I don't judge your intentions, I think you're in a situation where you can't see the woods for the trees. Once you're out you'll see for yourself how nuts this is.

Like I said I dont think it's been your intention to overlook what's best for your child - but thats what staying would mean.

After three weeks away from him you'll get your brain back (it's obvious to me you are a clever person simply trapped by a constant and misplaced obligation).

You are going to kick yourself.

How do I email Dr. H? Do you think it would be inappropriate to talk about it to my family, or to his? He has such a large, caring family and they love my son, it is going to break their hearts when I leave with him-- especially his mother whom is recently widowed. being that bad guy is going to suck.

We know this. And we also know that people desperately need to hear the views of objective observers.

I agree you should go home and stay there. You can give your bf a chance to made a radical change in his lifestyle. If he does that, you can consider marrying him. But I would not move in with him unless you are married this time.

Separating will give him a chance to get his crap together and it will also allow you to start your potential relationship on an entirely new foot.

I would discuss it with your family now but wait to speak to his family. You can email Dr Harley at the radio show. Just click on the radio link at the top.

Here,
Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.

I hope it brings her great relief that you will get your son to safety raise the bar high to give your son the childhood she failed to give her own children.

Hey there and sorry to hear that you are in this situation. I can partially relate as my long term boyfriend is going through emotional breakdown right now and I feel confused and not knowing how to approach it.

***EDIT***

You actually likely doing him disservice by staying around. ***EDIT***