FIL texts me today and wants to meet this week to talk about something. Not sure what else needs to be said. Tempted to turn him down at this point.

Maybe ask him to just call you and speak over the phone tonight/tomorrow. Get it done ASAP. Why wait? If it's important he should cough it up.

I agree.

Go ahead and meet with him. You have taken the right steps, and they have supported you for the most part. One of the hard parts about infidelity and divorce is that you also lose your in-laws. But you can remain a friend from a distance. Just don't get embroiled in any family drama.

What happened with your FIL, ax?

Well, the meeting with him is tomorrow. So nothing yet, but I'll find out tomorrow afternoon what this is all about.

Didn't schedule anything with my SIL's husband as this last week has been very busy at work. I've just been feeling reluctant the more I get into this. I don't understand WW's family at this point and I just can't really make any decision based on their input, I don't think. Really, I guess I just don't trust them. I want to be able to, but there's so much inconsistency in things I've seen that my gut tells me not to. Good example is the MIL sent me another FB message about 2 or 3 days after her "if you love her, let her go" message.

This follow up was to say that since I hadn't replied, she felt I must not have taken her previous message well, and then went into a couple paragraphs about how they felt I cut them out of the decision to file D by not telling them I was going to if the RO wasn't lifted (which legally, I did not feel I could!), and how they felt like I must be getting bad advice, etc. Also cast doubt on my legal necessity to file for D, as if I'm lying to them or making excuses. She's emotional, and I get that...but it's crazy talk. WW apparently has no responsibility for anything in this situation, it's all on me. Whatever. Also MIL did a Cliff's Notes on why WW wants out of the M, and concluded that despite all of the happiness I brought their daughter (which she noted with several examples, as if to say "thank you"), she just "gave up" on the M sometime this summer. Left out the little bit about adultery, I guess it's not relevant to the ending of our marriage, eh? Bits and pieces of typical fog talk about "if only we'd all known your M was so troubled we could have helped!" stuff.

Another example is SIL in her message saying they'd all stand firm in support for my M and standing up to WW's choices (if only I'd withdraw my D filing) mentioned that she and the other siblings have meant to talk to WW about things when they find the right opportunity, which up to this point (of 4 months after she MOVED OUT) they haven't, BUT they feel that mythical "right opportunity" will be soon... OK

Got an email tonight from WW telling me that she wants additional property back and saying that I have furniture she didn't take that her siblings "gave" her but "want back now", and asking me to cooperate for their sake. I can only conclude it's lie based on history and the fact that her siblings talk to me a lot more than she does these days! Haven't heard anything from them.

It's getting hard not to just say "based on what has happened in the last 6 months, I don't believe any of what you just stated to be accurate. sorry."

I know it's a love buster, but I'm a little beside myself at what she thinks she's pulling off, and I wonder if she thinks I can't tell since I've been Plan A'ing her up to this point. What's a Plan A way of telling someone they've destroyed all credibility they ever had with you?

I haven't replied yet. It's like, at this point do I ask her siblings if this is true? It feels ridiculous because I'm going to end up dumping all of this stuff she didn't take on her (or her parents...or trashing it) at some point anyways, and it feels very paternalistic to go to her sibs and ask if this is true.

Part of me also wants to say "if you ever expect me to trust you or work with you on something, stop this. Stop treating me like this."

I think a good plan a reply would be to say, "Would you like to have coffee this week?" Or "im willing to work with you to create a loving marriage"

Reading your last update, I couldn't help but think your WW is using your inlaws as conduit for trying to get you to drop the D so she can then turn around and get a RO on you....just my thoughts.

Be wary of all the in-laws, they have proven time and again in your case to be at best wishy washy and sometimes against you. I would limit contact, as they have repeatedly proven they are not serious about anything.

I like Jedi approach, respond to WW by changing the subject and reinforcing the plan A as best you can.
Telling her she is lying or calling her out on her behavior is pointless, she is not going to listen.

You are doing a good job in a near impossible situation. Keep your head held high.

I definitely concur about the in-laws. I would limit contact at this point. They may be good people, but they don't understand infidelity, are partially in denial and think they can "love" their daughter to sanity. I went through the same thing with my in-laws. They basically think our marriage HAD to have been terrible for years in order for their son to do such a thing. I basically don't say anything to them at all anymore. It' not worth the breath and just frustrates me.

What I also find so puzzling is the, "if you love her, let her go" talk on one side, and then "drop the divorce" on the other. I got the same crazy from my in-laws.

Thanks for the replies guys, lots of good insight.

I agree I probably need to just chill a bit and keep my reply simple. I'm thinking of finding a Plan A way of saying that I'm only going to have these sorts of discussions in person or over the phone and not via email. I think that she really has guilt issues with seeing me in person and it's easier for her to cope with it by keeping me out of sight/out of mind. To be honest, I'm pretty anxious/apprehensive about seeing her in person at this point, but I'm curious what effect it would have on her.

I don't really think she is very serious about anything she asks about in the emails because of how spread apart the emails are. 4-6 weeks on average. I didn't even respond to the one she sent in January. It must be a strange world she lives in mentally where responsibilities and consequences are far, far away. I'm sure her credit rating is getting absolutely destroyed right now and instead of cooperating with me on reasonable suggestions with getting these accounts paid for, she chooses to do nothing other than complain occasionally, or to pay them herself and save herself the negative incidents on her credit report.

NebDane, at one point you mentioned how unprepared she is for any of this, and I think that is correct. What's sad is that she's so volatile with the legal stuff right now that I really can't really do much to help things. And who knows how long she'll wonder around in this cloud. In the FB conversation last week almost every one of her siblings said some version of "I have no idea what she is thinking" and I've just thought "if you guys would just lay that on her instead of avoiding her or giving her the kiddie gloves treatment, it might make a difference here".

Well, the meeting was really pretty non-eventful.

I think FILs intention with the meeting was to clearly state that the family does not want to see a divorce happen, but that they would understand if I followed through with it.

FIL says that WW is angry and withdrawn from them because she thinks they collaborated with me in the snooping and seemed to lament that but stated that he didn't blame me for doing what I did. He even said he felt like he would have done the same in my situation. I stated politely that I didn't understand why that would offend her so much.

He also said that the family all has been pressuring WW to come back to the marriage and thinks they don't have much influence on her at this point, and the siblings might have more than the parents.

We talked a bit about divorce and I told him that I'd have a door open for her for some time past whenever the D was finalized, and that she may need to get what she wants before she can really come out of her fog (I honestly believe that...am I crazy?). He seemed to accept that with some apprehension. I think they'd prefer it didn't happen.

Not really anything else to report from the meeting. I didn't bring up the "if you love her let her go" deal because FIL mentioned the message specifically and said the two of them had some "heart to heart" talks about it so I think he's responsible for the about-face on that topic.

My read on the parents is they don't want this, they're sad, and they're hopeless at this point. Obviously lots of contradictory noise in the FB conversations but FIL had plenty of time to lay everything out today and he made it plain they don't want D and have been pressuring WW to do the right thing with no luck.

SIL texted me just after the meeting to say each of the sibs got with WW this weekend and told her plainly that they felt what she was doing was immoral, and that if she didn't come back to the M to fix things, it would hurt them personally. I guess WW shot them all down pretty cold heartedly, she said they were "stunned" and didn't know what to do other than to accept that this was going to happen. She asked me what my thoughts were and if I planned to withdraw or keep my petition filed.

I don't know what I think. I think in some ways WW is not willing to expend much effort to get what she wants here, and if there was a way I could safely wait her out, I'd bet she'd cave at some point. She's in a nice comfortable fog but as reckless as she is right she'll hit rock bottom eventually.

But...I'm ready to move on. When I think of R, man it seems like a giant hill to climb. The affair was 1 level of lost trust, but the way she did the RO makes it where I seriously don't trust being around her at all at this point. If she'll lie to the cops about me, she's patently unsafe for me in any way. What a mess.

If she lies to the cops she is willing to have them lock you away for years.

Well, maybe lies to the cops is a bit strong of me to say but lies to a judge isn't much different to me and that's already happened. I agree with you, that's what keeps me apprehensive. She's dangerous right now.

Axe,
Your in-laws seem to be handling this pretty well, except for the mom, who at this point seems to be driven by emotions.

The way you describe your wife reminds me of mine when she was wayward. She and I were separated for about 14 months and divorced for 2 before we reconciled, and I too thought it would be a giant hill to climb. Reconciliation just wasn't conceivable to me when she left the house. During our separation, I rarely spoke to my WW, though I saw her a lot because of the kids. During that time she smoldered over exposure. She stayed angry because many of her family disapproved and a couple even shunned her. This created even deeper enmity towards me. She hated it that her family held me in regard and felt contempt for her choices. That resentment did not go away until she ended the affair and we began reconciliation.

At one point we met so that we could complete some paper work related to the divorce. We didn't talk at all except for getting the paperwork signed and notarized. That was that first times we stood side by side in months. Though we had been separated for over a year and well on our way to divorce, I felt profound sadness at that moment. We didn't talk except to take care of the business at hand. I found it utterly perplexing that two people once so in love and committed to a lifetime together were standing next to each other, yet a million miles away. I could not reconcile it, and when I got home I texted her and told her how sad it made me that we could not even talk.

During the time that my wife was having an affair, I never knew what was going through her mind. She lived a secret life and shared nothing about it with anyone, just as your wife is doing now. She was far removed from me and everyone else at the time. Self banishment from the world.

But know this. After we began to reconcile, and she returned to our home, she never slept away again. She was extremely lonely and depressed during the affair. And once the affair crumbled, the fog dissipated rapidly, and she was able to reclaim her old life. For the first time she felt shame and expressed her remorse. Those who had shunned her welcomed her back, and everything returned to normal. Strange after a long, long 14 month trip to hell and back.

My point in all of this is that your wife is in the fog, and she is very angry and resentful over her family's response. They don't support her fantasy. And she has retreated in shame. They can't penetrate her thick outer layer of fog. They never can. The fog will dissipate when her affair dies its natural death. And when it does, she will either come to her senses or move on to another fling.

I think you are doing a good job in Plan A. The divorce proceedings protects you, and she is dangerous at this time as evidenced by the RO. The key for you is to maintain your dignity through this divorce, keep an open mind, and start to rebuild your life. Keep engaged, exercise, and sharpen the saw.

Thanks Justthe3ofus.

FIL texted me this morning offering to talk to WW about how she would react to me withdrawing D filing. I don't think this is a productive route to pursue. He knows this is my hang up by this point, but I can't trust her.

I told him I would ask her about considering a legal separation as an alternative but I think I already know the answer there (no). These people are really upset about this and I didn't quite expect that because they had been so passive up to this point.

In my state a legal separation really wouldn't be a terrible option as it would basically lay the groundwork for a property split in the event of a divorce, and it can be converted to a divorce by either party after 90 days. I figure if I wait around another 3 or 6 months and no change I can pull the plug.

My thought is I don't go that route unless she agrees to cooperate. Legally that's the only way I'd feel comfortable with anything other than D. And I doubt she'd go for it anyways. But the offer might give them some peace of mind.

Thoughts? Bad idea?

This is what I would tell the FIL:
"I am willing to work with your daughter to create a loving romantic marriage but she must first end her affair."

I agree with JK. Also, WW is a liar so she could tell her father anything and do the opposite. I would be wary of your in-laws as well. Keep it short and simple most in-laws fish for information unknowingly and knowingly.

Repeat what Jedi said, to the FIL and that is it.

Keep them at arms length.

Do not give them information or use them as a mediator.

x2