To be honest I don't think FIL and most of the family believes an affair is happening. They are simply upset with her for abandoning the marriage (our families are fairly ultra-conservative). She has successfully managed to gaslight most of her family on that topic in particular, from what I can tell. The affair is very underground since exposure, and while the rest of us can connect the dots very easily I think most of her family is in denial on that aspect of this situation. My snooping was too little, too late to convince them.

I get hints here and there that her sisters understand she is wayward (they both see changes in her behavior that bother them) but everyone else just doesn't talk about it to me. I think it makes them uncomfortable, and I doubt they talk much about it to her, or she to them. I think they probably just hope that it isn't true and don't want to think about it.

My wife's family was the same way.
My personal opinion is that irregardless of how this ends for you, the information and philosophy of Dr. Harley's approach to marriage will help you for the remainder of your life if aplied properly.

I know it's difficult to see that far down a dark tunnel but there is light. I've been divorced about 2 1/2 years and feel really good. I don't have a girlfriend yet but I know that when I find the right one, I have the tools to make it work.

^Interesting to hear your situation was similar, Jedi. I'd guess it's probably this way many times with the families of waywards.


3 days out from my 30 days being up (this Saturday). Our 7th anniversary is the following Saturday. Tragically ironic.


No good choices in this situation. What's awful about being the BS is so much of what you consider when making choices is predicated on who you hope someone will become (WS exiting the fog) rather than who they actually are at the moment, and then trying to balance the hope of them returning to sanity against the risk of your lost time or other consequences.

At my church they've started a young adults ministry I'm involved in and I've gotten to know a bunch of people my age, which has been great, but also ironic. Many of them are young couples (which WW and I wanted to meet more of when we were together at this church), and it's hard to spend time with these people without thinking "WW would have loved this...these are the types of friends we wanted for years" and then being sad. I feel stupid saying that and being so hung up on her, but anyhow. I'm sure other BSes can relate when you meet a couple and then feel like the couple reminds you in some way of your own marriage, which is now gone. Affairs happen so quickly too, so that the reminder of your loss hits you after the familiarity of your marriage does. You get a rush of good emotions only to be let down by reality. Only a year ago, things would have been entirely different.

I've gotten to know a few of the guys in this group really well and we have a lot in common, so I'm excited about building these relationships (I could use more local friends...most of my close friends don't live in my area) but I wish it didn't trigger those thoughts. I know I keep saying this, but I'm ready for Plan B. If she doesn't want to try and fix things, I don't want to see or hear from her again. I want to stop thinking about her, or us. It's just a bottomless pit of disappointment to stay here mentally.

Contacted my lawyer today to see what happens next after the 30 days is up. My property division in my filing was a bit of a gamble where I assumed some of her small debts that she's been bugging me about, in exchange for keeping 100% of my much more valuable assets. Kind of a Jacob and Esau deal, and it seems to have worked out. But I don't know how these accounts of hers get handled since I've assumed them in the division. I'm sure she'd prefer I mail her cash but that ain't gonna happen. I don't know if the accounts get legally repo'd or what.

Still haven't sent my Plan B letter to her. Big project at work has kept me busy and I wish I could just pause the 30 day countdown until it was done so I had more time to write something, but life doesn't work that way.

Praying for you Ax. I talked to my attorney about a filing today too.

When you have a minute, write the letter and post it here.

So you are going to PLAN B on your anniversary day? That must be a huge additional emotional burden.

Oh I think there's nothing like an occasion to Plan B. I did it the week before my tenth wedding anniversary. Got a massage, met friends for dinner.....

Better than taking a daily dose of bullets.

It can be liberating

On the topic of liberating/burden/etc:

Getting away from my hopes/dreams for the marriage and what we could have accomplished with a good plan like MB - Hard/painful. Seeing the effect on our families/friends only makes this part worse. All of us were close. Also regret over things I know I could have done better.

Getting away from what my marriage actually was - Meh. We needed MB from day 1. My wife and I did very little intentionally to hurt each other but there was serious neglect of some ENs and we just didn't have the tools to understand how to fix it for each other. We got along very well together and enjoyed each other but the relationship was dysfunctional romantically and I won't miss that. Not to say it's only my wife's fault, because it wasn't hardly, but I won't miss it.

Getting away from who my wife is to me now - liberating. Every time I interact with her bothers me. Even with being betrayed and giving her a strong Plan A, I'm still the bad guy in any communication with her. Tired of that. Waywards are crazytown.

Got a letter from my lawyer today that WW has filed an answer to my petition and is representing herself.

Going to look this over more closely tomorrow and get some more info from my lawyer, but from what I can tell:

- She wants no alimony
- She asks to have her name changed back to her maiden name
- She is asking for mediation on property

Not sure what all this entails but it looks as if this thing is going to be contested if I'm reading this right, and that means we've got months and months ahead of us.

My lawyer includes a note reminding me that if my wife can agree with me to terms on the property split, the lawyer can draft something that would save us both time/money (I guess a joint filing or whatever) compared to a contested D.

I don't know what to think. I might be able to very well work something out with WW on property and expedite this process as my lawyer suggested, but I have no way of knowing what to expect from her anymore and I don't trust her. Nor do I want to talk to her about divorce business. I'd only expect more of her trying to justify taking more stuff based on what she thinks is 50/50.

The lawyer of course wants all sorts of financial data (W2s, paystubs, receipts, bank statements) that I dread having to rummage up. If WW decides to get territorial, discovery will probably get nasty and intrusive. There's several thousand dollars worth of culinary equipment she purchased for her business last year that I have no data on, and if it goes that way, I will have to get it via discovery to balance things out on property.

I'll try to get more specifics and update this when I have them.

It's a mess. I wish your wife would come to her senses. Mine, too. It shouldn't be like this.

Make a deal in mediation and move on.
Youre young enough to start over and I get the impression you dont have a lot of assets so wash your hands of her.
The mediator will draw up the legal agreement for you and your lawyer can review it

We really don't have much. I just expect to lose out on that which we do have because she didn't save any money over the course of our marriage (whereas I put away about 10% of every paycheck), and I can't account for any of her business assets as they were all bought used or on CL, and there's no paper trail. On paper right now, it's very lopsided in her favor.

I get the whole 50/50 concept, everyone has to deal with that, but I don't really know what she even wants to mediate over. She took nearly everything in the house that was hers when she left, and I gave her everything she was asking for in the property division in my filing.

It's just the system, I get that, but the system is crap. I made nearly 80% of the income in our marriage and paid for years of her college tuition. I spent quite a bit more on her than I did on myself and now after being betrayed I'm the one who has to pay up, partially because I'm the only one of the two of us who was responsible enough to save money.

I do have a legal question, however. What about assets or money put into accounts during the course of their affair?

I am in the same boat here. I supported us for four out of the five years we were married and came into the marriage with more savings than when his affair started and he wants half of that. He is claiming that since he was a stay at home dad, etc. the only reason he was a stay at home dad was because he had no job to begin with. It's not like he sacrificed his career for mine or anything.

Generally you can protect yourself from claims of assets acquired after the date of separation in community property states (you are in WA, no?). So pinpoint the day you started living separate and apart and usually everything after that day is yours unless you were putting it in a joint account that you both used.

In my state anything acquired before the marriage is not considered marital property. For example, my father started a mutual fund for me when I was a child. That is not considered marital property, so my WW has no claim to it.

Yep, nothing before marriage and usually nothing after full separation.

Hey be thankful your last name isnt Trump. Remember his divorce with Ivanna?
She got millions for dressing nice!
Trust me, be thankful you dont have kids. You have to see how much It costs to pay an attorney to fight it vs just settling.
Whatever she gets will be ill gained and if she is a Christian she is already under the wrath of God. Her life will not improve.

This is sound advice, thank you for that Jedi. It could be much worse. Anything she takes in mediation can be replaced anyways. No use worrying over things I cannot control.

Today was just a bad day for me on this topic, not sure why.

It's been my observation that BS might have to take a bit of a sucker punch in the division - but they go on to do very well.

So, you get 50pc when really you contributed 80 pc - that was the deal you made when you got married. It was a poor deal to make and it wasn't a great investment as it turns out. Stinks, right?

However if you can do that well when you've got a irresponsible spouse hanging round your neck - imagine what you can do with a free hand. I was stunned - the household income was halved post divorce but I suddenly had so much more money. Made me realise just how expensive his IB was.

Don't underestimate the price of freedom is what I'm saying.

This is an excellent point and something I've already noticed since we've separated our finances/bank accounts. I took WW at her word on nearly everything including our spending and I shouldn't have. Even with all of the affair related expenses (PI, moving, legal costs, etc) I'm doing better on the budget than when we were together.

The day's almost over in my timezone, but I might as well mention it. Today is technically our 7th anniversary.

It's hard to grasp how much has changed in a year. I'd really like to see the pendulum swing the other way in the next 12 months!

I'm sitting here thinking of what I imagine every abandoned BS thinks of on the anniversary:

"I wonder if they even noticed, or care? I wonder how it makes them feel? I wonder what this day means to them now?"

More paperwork from my attorney this week. The divorce trial (if we can't settle in mediation, right?) is scheduled for mid-June.