Theocracy, did you see my questions?

Did you ever read this? The book is even better. Have you bought this book?

I am not in denial. It got bad in last 6 months. But he reassures me and says- he is not doing anything I am thinking he may be doing. He would tell me, if he was doing something, right?

Prisca, legal marriage is a serious commitment and it helps. But think about this: if we went to the court house tomorrow and signed the marriage contract and had a wedding that same evening with 100 people present, do you think, it would significantly changed dynamics? May be for few months, but then we would return to the same reality. What would be different? Nothing. In fact- according to Dr. Harley, it can get worse, because he would not need to try hard, because he would know- I am not going anywhere. Marriage does not make people like each other more. If you willing to be committed , you will be. You become committed to a person, not to the marriage institution. Granted... it adds one extra layer of motivation to stay exclusive, but it does not make anybody to be committed.

Brain Hurts, this is a very applicable article. Yes, I did read it, and I agree that my BF is a renter/freeloader. We had periods when it was different and I would like to attempt to change it. This is one of the issues on the list when I get that far. lol.

Marcos, I have answered your question to my best ability. I have read many self help books in the previous relationships. I have been visiting this site for years related to the different issue. You need to understand that right now I am not in a mood to listen sentimental stuff about how my relationships supposed to be. It is in trouble right now. May be it always was in trouble. I dont know what I am doing, he does not know what he is doing. But many people do not know what they doing and willing to learn. We have a lot of work before we can apply MB ideas. But we have to start somewhere (before we gave up on it, which is still an option).

When did I ask that?

All is matter that I am here now and asking experienced forum members to help me figure it out and make the best out of it. When it gets more stable, I will be moving toward higher levels of understanding of MB ideas and concepts. Right now the priority is to stabilize this issue. I do not know what will happen. We may decide tomorrow that it can not be fixed. But you can tell that I would like to do what it takes from me. And I can only be responsible for my actions.

You are not married. And neither are the millions of gay people in "committed relationships." There is a huge difference between dating AND marriage. It is like the difference between renting a house and buying it. A "commitment" is demonstrated by a legal, binding agreement and a ceremony where solemn vows are exchanged.

Your relationship is unstable because there is no commitment. It is a renters relationship that is tentative. It might be right for your boyfriend today but wrong tomorrow. And tomorrow has arrived.

Dating is a job interview for marriage. Reading your first post tells me that the interview has been a failure.

Yes, I know it would.

He won't marry her. He is not committed.

There is nothing YOU can do to turn a renter into a buyer. Nothing.

I was married before. It did not change a thing. I would prefer committed relationships without marriage with the right person over marriage with a wrong person. Marriage itself does not increase commitment. It is internal loyalty and choice to be committed that creates a marriage. Sorry, I am very skeptical about all the idea of having big wedding again. In fact- if I was to get married again, I would not want a wedding. I would take 2 witnesses and couple of family members and friends and have a dinner and a drink. And that is only to please others. I don't need it. It just one day. It passes and then you are with the same person. One day changes nothing.

It just makes no sense when you saying that if I say, "I love you and want to be with you" in front of 20 people means more than if I say the same thing when we are alone. It does not. We know what we agreed to. We know what promises we made. If a man told me he loves me in front of other people and then took it back, I am not going to say, "Yes, you do love me- I have witnesses". If he lied to me or fell out of love, no witnesses would make him change his mind. You want it public- post it on Facebook.

I understand your viewpoint.
But numbers (and statistics) dont lie.

I think you know he won't marry you which explains your strange position.

Marriage *IS* a commitment. It is a legal commitment. Sorry, but dating is not a "commitment" in any sense of the word. It is a tentative, month to month renters relationship.

My suggestion would be if you really want to have a committed relationship you need to learn from your mistakes and start opening your mind to other ideas. You seem very fixated on your own failed ideas.

You don't seem very open minded. Maybe that is why you find yourself in such a mess?

Honey - he's dumped you.

MelodyLane, the issue was not that he would not marry me- the issue was financial. It took him all this time to fix his finances, and the environment in which he ended up is not helpful for relationships. I have some minimal property, he does not. While it is not much, my family was worrying- he will want part of what we have (which is stupid, but who knows). I was not too thrilled about our financial situation at the beginning, 7 years ago, this is why I went back to school- somebody has to make living. Now he says- he does not care about anything- he wants something else. But to be honest with you, I can not imagine myself being legally bound to dome dude- military or construction worker- some uneducated redneck who has no idea about what I am talking about. I can not find that many single guys with the marketable talent and common interests, who willing to work with me on our projects and be a good marriage material at the same time.

Indiegirl, believe it or not- he did, didn't he? I have to see what happens and if it gets better. Been still waiting all this time...

Hope is not a plan!

The issue is that your boyfriend is moving on. There is no commitment here. And I understand you don't want to get married, that was not my point. My point was that I think we both know he wouldn't marry you.

A more accurate way to say that is that there is nothing you can do to force a renter to become a buyer. Changing from renter to buyer is part of the natural progression of a developing romantic relationship. We all start out as freeloaders, move on to renters, and eventually become buyers as our love bank balances build. It is a mutually-reinforced change. You have an effect on the other person, so obviously there are things you can do. You just can not force them.