Some people (who are free to do so) have other priorities though and never intend on becoming buyers. If there's something besides a romantic partner which will always come first, then the relationship is never ever going to be permanent or secure.

This guy isn't window shopping for someone better, just someone different. Renters need to exchange relationships because they wear them out and move on.

Thank you for all your very wise replies. Indiegirl, I should make a document of quotes. Wow- your last sentence was very deep. Thank you, and you are so right.

Last night was a disaster. I invited him to a concert, he did not want to go but went. I had good time, he became unstable, and at the end said a lot of things I did not want to hear. I keep getting this feeling that somebody coaching him to break up with me. Like setting deadlines or something. He keeps saying- he has very strong support system...

If you say you have been reading this site for a while, how come you don't use any of the principles? Like POJA?

This is sort of flogging a dead horse and he shouldn't have gone with you, but he keeps tossing you crumbs and you scoop them up!

For someone who wants us to think she is confident in her beliefs, you seem fairly desperate to cling to this fantasy that this man loves and respects you. It isn't fooling him or us, only Theocracy is being fooled.

Please, save your dignity here.

He already broke up with you. Maybe people are telling him to stop leading you on, since it is clear you are unwilling to see that he has no intention of treating you as anything more than the occasional option.

It is really a shame you refuse to stand up for your dignity here. Dr. Harley says men find desperation unattractive and it only drives men away.

I thought there was hope to get out of this jam, but it got worse again. I think I saw a thread about POJA somewhere. Is this something that going to make me cry? I am really on the edge today. Again. BP principles will be handy if we were trying to work things out, but we are not anywhere close to it.

One thing is- I wanted to look strong. I always was strong with him. I was always the one hang up on him and not talking to him, and he used to always call and apologize. Now he says- I was treating him terribly, so I can not do it. I am afraid, if I say, "You know what- you want out- fine. See you later" it would be easy way out for him. I am really sounding bad with him. I am doing exactly what no woman should do in this situation. I give him all power and all cards in his hands.

Yes,he has all the power. He has clearly made another future and is letting you the "privilege" of hanging around the shadows because he knows you ate desperate. Sorry. Take back your power.

And please, please.... reconsider that all your philosophies have led to this point. Please consider MB principles, as opposed to your current ideas that don't work.

That's all I can say, really. I don't see any hope for your romantic life improving unless you begin to realize how it fails you

It fails me because I select the same type of men- musicians with talent, vulnerabilities, and personality disorder.

That's it, I'm putting this in my signature because it sums up all I ever seem to say on here.

"Would would you do if you were not afraid?"

You'd tell him to take a hike and you'd not care if you ever saw him again. You'd realise there are lots of men out there - and if there were not, you are a 'nothing is better than crumbs' girl, not a 'crumbs are better than nothing' girl.



Who is in charge of that policy then?!

Ha ha, thanks. Do not make it a signature. The more people read it, the more energy it produces. I don't want this energy in the universe. lol. You can paraphrase it.

This is IF I did not care if I ever see him or not. I do not know how, but I feel very attracted to him- more than when we were seeing each other daily. You know- for example, abuse, aside of its cycle, has its pattern. Abuse can be very romantic. It has its ups and downs, and like you said on the other thread, women feel needed and stimulated. If women did not want to be victimized, nobody would remain in abusive relationships. My boyfriend is not physically abusive, but he is very smart, and he knows what buttons to push (when he care). And I have it in me- I am attracted to being dominated. Not that we playing domination games- we not playing anything- we hardly talk. I cant help it but to give away how much I want him. I am actually thinking- I need to go out with some other guy and clear my mind and gain some control over myself.

Of course you will remain attracted to him as long as you see him. That's how it works.



Yes!

And as I am reading this- the stalker guy just texted me, asking if I want to meet. He is not a stalker, he just not very bright (been talking about his previous dates- he talks a lot). I told him, I am not ready to date. He says, he would not mind to meet as friends. I can use a friend. I have limited support system outside of cyber world. But what if the guy would not want to go away? I know he is not the type I need. I have a habit to date guys I don't like till something better comes along...

Say WHAT??

How is better going to come along unless you date better?

They don't get delivered!

I can't believe my eyes.

That is what abusers tell their victims while they beat them, and society when they are in the dock for their crimes. I thought we learned long ago that this argument is not true. That is blaming the victim for her abuse, which is completely unacceptable.

Indiegirl, I can look for better on a dating service,. They get delivered to my inbox :)But if I don't see anybody, I can give somebody with less obvious potential a chance. Some time it may work, who knows.

I am surprised that some of you never heard of romantic abuse. Abuser and victim fall in to such patterns, enable and trigger the cycle. He abuses her, she cries, he feels bad, they make up and have passionate honey moon, then pressure builds up, he abuses her, she cries, he feels bad, they make up... and with time the honey moon gets shorter and shorter and abuse stage longer and longer. Classic. Look up abuse cycle. Not in any way saying it is a good thing, just saying couples fall in to the pattern, they get certain high from it and they can not stop. While we don't say that it is a victim's fault for triggering the abuse, we can say that both parties can play a role in it.

I am making a list of good and bad things about my Bf. And as the day goes, I start remembering more and more bad things- the reason we always fought. Telling him that I will not argue with him any more is the same as to say that I will put up with all the stuff I was fighting against, because he is not going to miraculously stop doing all those things...

Have you read Dr. Harley's material on abuse? Have you read any of Dr. Harley's books?

BH, right now reading a book is not an option. I have hundreds of pages of professional literature to read. Being on this forum helps me socially as I am kind of stock in the house, waiting for my life to pick direction. You all were very helpful and supportive so far. I have read many Harley articles, also he is not the only source of self help literature. I will be reading more as I get my mind around it. If there any particular publications you have in mind that can be helpful, please, post a link, and I will read them- I just have time limitations right now and can not do random reading.

Yes I know - distance is giving you objectivity.

You saw it as promising that he would always be the one to 'make up' after the fight - but were completely ignoring the fact you shouldn't have been fighting at all. That he was not interested in resolving conflicts and attenting to your concerns long term.

I'm going to link the 30 dates article to you again.

Indiegirl, thank you for the article.


What if we atheists? I disagree with this statement in a sense that people couple up for mutual survival and support. I dont think married people need or want any more of it than unmarried. If both partners understand the expectations and willing to meet them, the signed paper and few drunk friends who came to wedding for free food not necessary.

From the article you offered, I can tell that we agree on all listed important questions. In fact- in 7 years we already accomplished all of these. Minus the house- we never lived together- this is one thing we never try.
Do you want to have children, and if so, how many?
2. What religion do you want for our children?
3. When our children are disobedient, how will you discipline them?
4. How do you want to spend our vacations and holidays?
5. How much money do you expect me to earn? What if I never earned any money?
6. What kind of house would you like to own? Where would you like to live?
7. Do you expect me to make love to you whenever you want? If not, would you EVER expect me to make love to you? Would you leave me or have an affair if I never made love to you?
8. If you don't like one of my friends, would you want me to give up the friendship?
9. What should our budget priorities be? How will we make financial decisions?
10. Would you support me financially if I wanted to educate myself for a new career?