The notebook is Dr. Harley's suggestion, not mine. He places a higher value on protecting each other from lovebusters than he does on body language (and a LOT of lovebusters can be communicated through body language).

It is a very effective tool for couples who are struggling with lovebusters.

A couple who is entrenched in lovebusting is not going to quickly stop, though.

I was looking at He Wins She Wins.I think we will get the book, but I was wondering if anyone has seen the workbook? Amazon has a publishing date of tomorrow but it shows in stock and I have heard them mention sending it to folks that called in to the show. My question is whether the exercises mentioned are the questionnaires from the book or something different?

I think Dr. Harley has some of the workbooks, but they aren't available to the public just yet. We've been waiting excitedly to order one.

I've understood the exercises to be something different, something in ADDITION to the book.

that is what it looks like to me too. Might be a good way to get started with some practice sessions that don't have as much chance to go wrong.

I should have listened to today's show first. They talked about the workbook.

True, and the POJA is bursting with lovebusting potential but it is so brilliant :-)

We had another conversation turn unpleasant and now we disagree whether there were lovebusters or not. Please help us understand.

I answered a question my son asked me at the dinner table and then my husband told me I had it wrong. The kids ran off to play and we were still sitting at the table. I was sure he had just misunderstood, and tried to explain. He still thought I was wrong so I tried another way to explain what I was saying. I think I tried one more time to explain and when he still disagreed I said we should just stop discussing it as we were just getting into a right/ wrong discussion that wasn't going anywhere productive.
I felt hurt and unhappy....straightened out.

I thought maybe he felt straightened out or corrected too though that was not what I meant to do at the beginning. So I apologized for disrespecting his position and asked if he would also apologize for the disrespectful judgement ......just as an exercise to try to start acknowledging when we do this kind of thing so we can stop. He said he didn't know what he would be apologize for. I replied that I was hurt that he tried to straighten me out and that was in MB terms a disrespectful judgement. He said we just have to agree to disagree and he didn't think it was a DJ and we should ask the forum. I think I asked " don't you even care that I feel hurt whether it is a DJ or not? I feel lovebusted." and then went on about cleaning up the kitchen.

He then asked how I felt about him doing another activity and I told him that was fine and all by itself it was fine though the hurt was unresolved. Inside I just really wanted him to be far away from me as possible.

Later I asked him what his concern was and why my being right or wrong was important to him. He replied that he was concerned that I was giving our son incorrect info.

now that concern is something we could take to negotiation/POJA right? I wish we could have started there.

Many possible options I see to address that concern including just letting him handle that conversation topic with the kids. I think he might be wrong if he is still misunderstanding what I was saying, but it doesn't matter to me as it is a detail that won't really derail their development. They will be able to correct the details in their understanding by the time it makes a difference in their decision making processes. My husband and I will give them the same main gist which was what our son really wanted to know.
We could get a book on the topic.
We could sign them up for a class or get a video.

So many ways to address my husband's concern. Again.... I wish we could have started there because as it is I feel distant, like we had a fight though my husband says the only thing that bothers him about our conversation (other than the concern with the child) is the accusation of him DJ me.

Am I just too sensitive?
Should I have just apologized myself for possibly turning explanation into correction and not told him I felt hurt?

He asked to read over this before I posted. He has and asked why I felt straightened out. My reply was because he told me I was wrong. He says he didn't say I was wrong he just disagreed on the facts.

He also said that he was not misunderstanding me he doesn't know why I felt that way. Obviously it was not a misunderstanding. My mistake I guess. I should have asked him why he was concerned that I thought it was different than he did or why he felt it was important to correct me instead of thinking I could explain more what I meant and the explanation would bring us to the same point of view.

Short answer: If one of you feels the other has lovebusted him or her, then a lovebuster has occured. No debates.

In thinking it over there is something else I could have done... when I felt he misunderstood me I could have said
"I think you may be misunderstanding. How would you feel about me explaining what I mean?"

If I had done that it would have given him a chance to be willing to show care even if he continued to disagree with my viewpoint and I could have shortened the conversation to one explanation if he was favorable to hearing it. (And if he wasn't,t then the conversation would have been very short indeed.)

Help me understand. It seems like the accusation of having lovebusted could be very much abused...

Love busters withdraw love units. Your wife is letting you know when you do something that withdraws love units. It's very valuable and useful information that you are lucky to be getting. It does not have to be an objective truth. Love busters is simply the phrase used to describe any behavior that withdraws love units. Your behavior withdrew love units.

Does that help?

I asked if he would mind apologizing. He didn't feel he needed to and that is ok.
A reassurance that he cares about me more than he cares about being right would be nice, but it doesn't have to be an apology.

Is there any article or help for learning how to communicate hurt or a need for reassurance of care without making it seem like I am demanding a certain action?

Yes, you simply say "that bothered me"

He would then either: thank you for letting him know

Or

Try to straighten you out

Asking him for an apology could be construed as telling him that he did something wrong which is an objective truth. Simply letting him know that his behavior bothered you does not have the weight of objective truth...

Saying that he cares more about being right than showing you care is a disrespectful judgement...

Have you read this article?
How to Negotiate When You Are an Emotional Person

yes, I have.
Is there something in particular I should note?

I'd like to note that you two are still very concerned with who is right and who is wrong.

First, it is not an "accusation" of having lovebusted. It is information sharing -- "you just withdrew love units," so to speak. Since the two of you like facts, this is one of those indisputable facts you can actually share. The one who feels lovebusted informs the other that lovebank withdrawals have occurred. The other cannot argue this fact -- you feel what you feel, and your feelings are not to be debated.

Is there a way to ask anonymous questions on the forum or of the "longtimers" or does that only happen through the coaching program?

Been rereading a lot today... The How to Create Your Own Plan and the book FILSIL. Trying to figure out how to ask a question about the first step without creating more love draining situations.

You could always write Dr. Harley on his radio show with a fake name. I've done that before.

^^^^ yes this is a good idea.


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