We had another conversation turn unpleasant and now we disagree whether there were lovebusters or not. Please help us understand.

I answered a question my son asked me at the dinner table and then my husband told me I had it wrong. The kids ran off to play and we were still sitting at the table. I was sure he had just misunderstood, and tried to explain. He still thought I was wrong so I tried another way to explain what I was saying. I think I tried one more time to explain and when he still disagreed I said we should just stop discussing it as we were just getting into a right/ wrong discussion that wasn't going anywhere productive.
I felt hurt and unhappy....straightened out.

I thought maybe he felt straightened out or corrected too though that was not what I meant to do at the beginning. So I apologized for disrespecting his position and asked if he would also apologize for the disrespectful judgement ......just as an exercise to try to start acknowledging when we do this kind of thing so we can stop. He said he didn't know what he would be apologize for. I replied that I was hurt that he tried to straighten me out and that was in MB terms a disrespectful judgement. He said we just have to agree to disagree and he didn't think it was a DJ and we should ask the forum. I think I asked " don't you even care that I feel hurt whether it is a DJ or not? I feel lovebusted." and then went on about cleaning up the kitchen.

He then asked how I felt about him doing another activity and I told him that was fine and all by itself it was fine though the hurt was unresolved. Inside I just really wanted him to be far away from me as possible.

Later I asked him what his concern was and why my being right or wrong was important to him. He replied that he was concerned that I was giving our son incorrect info.

now that concern is something we could take to negotiation/POJA right? I wish we could have started there.

Many possible options I see to address that concern including just letting him handle that conversation topic with the kids. I think he might be wrong if he is still misunderstanding what I was saying, but it doesn't matter to me as it is a detail that won't really derail their development. They will be able to correct the details in their understanding by the time it makes a difference in their decision making processes. My husband and I will give them the same main gist which was what our son really wanted to know.
We could get a book on the topic.
We could sign them up for a class or get a video.

So many ways to address my husband's concern. Again.... I wish we could have started there because as it is I feel distant, like we had a fight though my husband says the only thing that bothers him about our conversation (other than the concern with the child) is the accusation of him DJ me.

Am I just too sensitive?
Should I have just apologized myself for possibly turning explanation into correction and not told him I felt hurt?

^^^^ yes this is a good idea.


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I did email one question a couple weeks ago and was shocked that they answered it. I figured they get way too many. My husband keeps coming home....was that you again? I may try again if we fail to make progress with the help just given.

When was it on the radio show?

January 19th. Mrs Harley says from India, but I am not.

I burned the paper!

Thanks for that very useful advice.

Now I must go forth and sin no more. No more "objective truth" in our negotiations!

He was attracted enough to me we spent almost no time together in the six weeks before our wedding as he decided it was too hard to keep his hands of me and we were not in favor of premarital sex. So no, pregnancy did not factor into our decision to marry. wink

I know that may not even count towards UA at all, but am afraid if we are told it doesn't count we will lose even that much interaction. I am reluctant to talk about it here, please be diplomatic.

We have one lead for babysitting that should give us a 4 hr block either once a week or every other week. It is a start. I fully believe that with time and creativity we can create a lifestyle that allows us to follow the policy of UA without cutting corners. I am not sure he shares my optimism on this.

Our program for recovery only works when it's followed. The 15 hours of undivided attention we recommend is an essential part of the program because it provides the opportunity to meet emotional needs that cannot be met any other way. There are lots of excuses for failing to follow that aspect of our program, but in the end, failure to follow it results in a failed recovery.

If we saw that both of you were recovering well, I'd say that you are one of the very rare exceptions to the need to spend 15 hours a week together. But, since you are not recovering well, we can only conclude that your failure to spend enough time together, and make good use of that time meeting each other's emotional needs, is the culprit.

My program of marriage recovery is exactly the same as most weight loss programs. Whenever it's followed, the marriage recovers. I know of no other program of marital recovery that can make that claim. In fact, if you follow the advice of most marriage recovery programs today, your marriage will not recover. That's why a 1995 Consumer's Report survey found marriage counseling to be the least effective form of psychotherapy. Only 16% found the experience to be helpful.

For those who complete my program of marital recovery, 100% find the experience to be more than helpful -- it solves their marital problems. But just like in dieting, the successful outcome depends entirely on motivation. Only those who are not motivated enough to complete the program fail.

Regarding the three goals that your husband has expressed, he may fail to achieve any of them if he doesn't prioritize them. Let's consider how they might be prioritized. If he were to put most of his time and energy into saving his business, and ignore his son and you, he might lose his business, you and his son. If he put most of his time and energy into molding his son for a successful life, he might lose his business and you, and his son may still have trouble adjusting in life. But if he put most of his time and energy into saving his marriage, there's a good chance that he would save it, his business, and help his son steer a successful course in life. That's because having a successful marriage makes you successful at many of your other important objectives in life. Joyce and I are living proof that when you put your marriage first, your children thrive and your business succeeds. That's because a successful marriage adds wisdom to the decisions you make in every other part of life. But if he doesn't put his marriage first, he's likely to lose most of everything else that he values.

Has your H eliminated all AOs?

It is not the time it is the babysitting. Leaving the kids unattended is not an option so until we find and enthusiastically agree on caregivers.....

yes, so far he has been successful.