How old is your husband?

That is extremely disrespectful. Yes, you do have full control over what you do; you are not an indentured servant. In a good marriage, the welfare of the marriage comes first. If my company asks me to do something that makes my spouse unhappy, we either find a way to make it work or we don't do it. Our marriage comes first.

In your case, your job comes first and his feelings are a low priority. When he expresses his feelings, he is mocked and ridiculed. He is called "insecure." That makes the problem 100x worse.

He probably wouldn't have a problem with your meetings, events if you made it clear that his feelings come FIRST, instead of last. He might relax if he were kept in the loop and his feelings were taken into account.

I can also tell that you have a very detached relationship, which makes everything worse. You are probably not in love with him and don't have an integrated relationship.


Maybe he is a lunatic. If that is the case, would it be wise to torment him?

You're exactly right. He handles everything with "low blows". And you are also right that he wants me to tell him ahead of time. I used to not be so great about this (sometimes just being forgetful but sometimes because I honestly didn't know ahead of time). But I have gotten much better about this. In fact, the meeting that I had yesterday he knew about weeks in advance, and I had forwarded him the reminder email (we work on the same campus).

I understand what y'all are saying by "a wife that thinks she is allowed to do anything..." But I don't feel like I am like that at all. I always ask what he thinks before making a decision. There are certain things I know I should not do, or atleast not without him being on board..... For example, going out with friends (which I don't do) or going somewhere when it would interfere with "our time (his and mine)".

I am talking about things as simple as, you are going to be at an out of town game tonight, so I think I will run over and see my family. Sometimes he is supportive of something like this and sometimes he makes a huge deal about it. To me, this is not interfering at all with what he is doing, it isn't keeping me from being with him (he wouldn't be home anyway)..... I am just supposed to sit at home and do nothing all the time? That is what I have been doing for years and we just recently moved back closer to our families, so we could spend more time with everyone, have their support etc.

Is he required to be "supportive" of whatever you want to do regardless of how he feels about it? Because that is the definition of controlling. Forcing your spouse to accept your behavior regardless of how he feels. You are clearly not taking his feelings into account when you dismiss his feelings by saying he shouldn't feel that way or that he is unreasonable. Aren't you doing the exact thing you accuse him of doing?

That probably sounds totally normal to you, but this is how my wife would have approached it:

"Honey, how would you feel about me going over to see my family tonight since you'll be out of town?"

Right there, my defenses aren't up because she's asked me how I feel about it and I have a chance to express myself honestly without fear of her telling me how controlling and abnormal I am if it happens to bother me for some reason.


The rest of this is just disrespectful and dismissive. This is how you are getting into these fights instead of negotiating for what you want.

My job absolutely does NOT come first, our family does (our marriage, then our kids). He has always put his job first. And he goes to the same things that you are telling me I should somehow skip (which I would be fired for in any district). You can't just not go to professional development, we are required to have a certain amount of hours, this school or any other, all are the same.

I think I am coming across much different than I really am, because I have done all the things y'all are saying, for years, and they have NOT worked. I guess I feel like I have reached a breaking point where I need / deserve his respect and trust. I have skipped things I shouldn't have to try to ease his feeling, in fact I even quit a job that I was really really excited about just because I was going to have to be working a lot with a guy. My other problem is that he doesn't have to meet all of these rigid requirements all the time, and I don't want him to have to. I want to support him, trust him, respect him. I have been loyal, honest, caring, supportive for years and have not got much of this in return at all. What have I been doing so wrong to deserve this. For some reason I feel like y'all are saying I somehow deserve this treatment and distrust?

And I am still in love with him. Just feel like loving him is slowly killing me. I feel exhausted and can't keep up the cycle anymore. If he were to suddenly show me love, respect, care, and trust. I honestly could forgive and have a wonderful marriage, but how does that happen?

You don't have to do anything. You are an adult woman who can make her own choices. You are not a child who needs "permission" from her big daddy.

BUT, are you a married woman who does not want to do things to make your husband unhappy? Would you be happy if you went out with your friends/family knowing it made him unhappy? That wouldn't make me happy because I know it would hurt my husband and make my marriage an unhappy place.

The solution to this program is to STOP doing anything that makes your spouse unhappy. Find solutions that make you BOTH happy. We can teach you to be more creative in brainstorming solutions that appeal to you both.

Instead of seeking out solutions that are "my way" or "his way" you should be finding solutions that are "our way." Instead of win/lose decisions, find win/win decisions

Does it bother you when he goes to those events? I am guessing NOT, so that is a moot point. You are different people, so things that bother you are not going to bother him and vice versa. And from what you told me above, you DO put your job above his feelings.


Respect is a 2 way street and I don't see it here from you. I agree that he has been disrespectful, but you have too by dismissing his feelings and calling him "controlling" and "insecure."


Once again, you don't take into account that you are entirely different people. You most certainly don't respect him according to what you have told us here. You dismiss his feelings in this very paragraph above. That is not respect.

We can show you, but the solution is not to force him to "support" whatever you want to do. The solution is to learn how to negotiate decisions that suit you BOTH.

The expectation that he is supposed to go along with everything is controlling of YOU and leads to fights and incompatibility.

I agree that I have a really big chip on my shoulder right now, but it has not always been this way. I give everything I have to him, and it is not given back. I have asked in the manner you suggested before. It all depends on his mood, not at all about the way I ask it. But I will learn to re-phrase, because I do understand what you are saying.

But why would anyone have a problem with the scenario I just mentioned? Do you try to keep your wife from visiting with family?

And I do think it is relevant that it would not be cutting into our time. In fact, I have always tried to make sure that we maximize our time, and our family time. I thought this was the considerate thing to do. For example, if he is going to be available on one Saturday, but not on the next Saturday, to me it would be disrespectful to say "do you mind me and the kids going to do ...." on the Saturday that he was available to spend time with us. To me, it makes more sense to do it when he is going to be gone (if it is something I know he wouldn't be that interested in doing).

You keep saying you "have tried this before" and go into a disrespectful comment about how he shouldn't feel that way. Is it ok if he dismisses all of your desires with "why would she feel that way??"

That is the first step in stopping the damage. You BOTH have a right to your feelings but you don't have a right to FORCE your decisions on the other. Just because you want to visit your family does not mean your husband has an obligation to agree.


So his feelings are only relevant if you agree with his reasoning? Do you see how disrespectful this is?

Again. Nobody here thinks it's all you. It might not even be mostly you. But you're missing the point.

It's not just the phrasing that's wrong. It's the fact that if you don't get what you want you start in with the disrespectful judgments. You've got a whole paragraph above explaining why he shouldn't feel the way he does.

You'd be much more successful in getting what you want if you would genuinely take his feelings at face value rather than starting an argument about how wrong he is to feel that way. Negotiate around his concerns and come to an agreeable solution.

If you want him to respect your feelings, then you need to start respecting his.

What we can teach you to do is negotiate solutions that make you both happy. [win/win] Right now, you are both coming at each other with very black and white ideas, [my way or his way] and instead of negotiating a 3rd option that suits you both, you come away with a win/lose decision. One of you wins and one of you loses.

But when you walk into a negotiation with a black and white idea you have lost before you started, because no matter the outcome, one of you loses and the marriage suffers.

I do get that we are two different people and I totally understand that marriage is a compromise not a "his way / her way". I have been trying to compromise with him from the get go. I am the one who is willing to compromise..... He will even admit I am a "black / white kind of person there is no gray". I have tried to tell him that there aren't very many things in marriage that are just black or white, it takes compromise and meeting in the middle. But he doesn't seem to understand this. For years it has been "his way" and I don't want "my way" I just want to get along and to be respected. How is my respect supposed to just continue on without waver when I am being treated like someone I'm not, and not having any of my feelings taken into consideration??? And I honestly DO try to consider his feelings, it does not seem to help at all.....

I am willing to hear out his feelings. I have tried to get him to explain to me over and over. He can't. I honestly don't think he knows why he treats me the way he does.

I'm sorry but the way I hear what y'all are saying sounds like you are saying.... "If a woman is being beaten by there husband, she needs to understand the feelings behind what he is doing." Sure there are underlying issues there, but hitting her is never acceptable.

Yes, I understand that we need to learn how to disagree, that I need to show him mutual respect, I get everything you are saying. But aren't there some things that there just isn't an excuse for?!

I don't see any sign that you respect his feelings. You have posted the exact opposite here by saying he is supposed to "support" you regardless of his feelings. You have dismissed his feelings and called him names - "insecure" - for not going along with you. We are not suggesting compromise, but finding solutions that make you BOTH happy. Not capitulation and not control, but win/win solutions.

I agree he has been disrespectful and that needs to stop. Fighting ensues when one spouse tries to force her desires on the other.

We can help you turn this around, but you need to address and clean up your side of the street.

He doesn't need to explain WHY. He might not know why. When you want something from him are you required to explain why to his satisfaction?


If you were being beaten up, we would tell you to call the cops and get him thrown in jail! If he were abusing you, we would tell you not tolerate it and plan to separate. But what we see here is a couple who is disrespectful to each other and has no idea how to negotiate.


There is no excuse for disrespect.

Here

I guess that is where we disagree, because I do believe I am being abused, but I guess it doesn't count when it is mental and not physical.

I am more than willing to work on my "end of the street". What can I do to start healing our marriage?

How am I to handle it when he starts making low blows, and saying terrible things about me, which always happens? This is when I become disrespectful in the first place. 95% of the time I am respectful until I get beaten down mentally At that point it becomes so hard to control my frustrations. He would even agree with me about that. (That it is always in reaction to him that I act in a negative manner.)