First of all, I am sorry for the rambling. This is my mind these days...

Next week will be one year since I found out about my husbands emotional affair. He ended up leaving me for this woman. I am going to be honest about my struggles since then. I thought I was a pretty good wife. We went no longer than 2 weeks our whole 10 year marriage without sex. He never had to ask what we were having for dinner, whether I cooked or we went out he never had to fix his own meal. We argued, yes, and when we did he would curse and yell and call me names. I don't know if we didn't get along because he was a jerk with a narcissistic personality or if I was really the nag that was everything he said I was the day he decided that our marriage was over for him. Since that day, I have felt such guilt. Guilt for not initiating sex, guilt for not taking vacations just he and I. (We always took family vacations with my parents) Guilt for not being, I guess, more affectionate? Guilt for everything. However, he did nothing for me. He would occasionally buy me flowers for our anniversary, but then he'd call me a Bit*& during an argument or whatever ugly name or low blow he could throw out there and all that nice went down the drain. He didn't take out the trash, hired someone to cut grass, never helped wash dishes or clean the house, never cleaned up after or fed the animals, never helped with our daughter. He went to work, and came home. That was it. Oh and expected sex all the time. I just don't understand why the weight is so heavy on my shoulders. Of course I could have done more, but nothing would have EVER pushed me to cheat, and I don't feel that anything I did really should have caused him to cheat either. Why do the accusations he yelled so loudly at me one night stick so strong? I really feel as though this is preventing me from moving on. His mom and I didn't have a really good relationship because she was a backstabber and talked about everyone she met. She didn't raise her son and wanted to act like mother of the year occasionally. She's been married 5 times.... My family basically took him in at 16 and he lived with us until he and I got married. We stayed pure with one another until marriage believe it or not. Now his mother and the woman he had an affair with seem to have a wonderful relationship. Some of the friends we had through his job are now friends with her as well. Her family has taken him in with open arms. I tried to expose in the beginning, but I feel that the exposure actually had the opposite effect and caused him to believe that since everyone knew, our relationship was doomed and pushed him to move on. I am just so confused. My mind rolls along constantly and 99% of my thoughts are focused on this relationship they have an why we couldn't make it work, but yet he thinks with his personality that it will work with someone else. She was cheating on her husband with him too, by the way. She has two children ages 7 & 12. They all moved in with my ex husband WAY before our divorce was even final. So sad and I need some help and ideas on how to get this out of my mind and stop blaming myself for his cheating. I dream about it all the time, I can't rest peacefully because my dreams are haunted of he and I, and him and her. It's bad. Really bad. He's been so cruel to me and constantly causes issues and starts arguments about our daughter. I feel like I am not free of this man, even though we are divorced.

Wow...this is sad, it isn't easy but you've got to find a way to "free" yourself from this mess, otherwise you are being hurt twice over, being the actual victim of betrayal and hurting on your own, with the suffering of the "haunting" of the affair.

You can't control what your husband did but you might be able to alleviate your own suffering?

That's one of the first things you can do for yourself, i.e. work on making yourself heal, if it makes sense?

I am very sorry, I know how hard it is to stop thinking about the marriage, and letting go, it's a difficult journey, and the hurt doesn't go away easily.

If it is any comfort, the affair will probably fail, but it doesn't help to heal you to dwell on it, it could engulf you further into sadness and unhappiness.

I don't know if it might work for you, but my method is to focus on one moment at a time, to *not* think about it at the very moment that my thoughts wander to the marriage, and to let them add up.

I have chosen one of the most difficult, stressful methods, i.e. throwing myself completely into work. I would much prefer travel, reading and other more pleasurable pursuits but I don't have the option because of my finances and I want to save up for my children's future.

Nonetheless, it works, i.e. it gets me away from dwelling on my failed marriage.

Lameenough,

Why aren't you in Plan B? If he is picking fights about your daughter, you still have contact with him. You should not be having any contact with him at this point. That is what is affecting your ability to heal.

Do you know about Plan B? The more experienced posters can tell you about it, but it's to protect your emotions and sanity so you don't feel like that all of the time.

Plan B all the way. You will die young or end up committed at the hands of abuse.

Three weeks and you'll feel amazing.

You may be 50% responsible for the demise of the marriage, but you do understand that his choice to have the affair is 100% on him?

The Harleys say all the time there may be reasons for an affair, but there are never excuses for an affair.

His affair is 100% on him because of his poor boundaries around women and allowing another person to fill his love bank.

Are you in Plan B? Do you have continued contact with him?

Plan B really hasn't been an option for me. He gets our daughter every other weekend, he is at school functions (with his girlfriend) he brought her to our daughters kindergarten orientation. He calls my cell phone every night to speak to her. I am relieved that he wants to continue a relationship with our daughter considering his family history, but I just wish he'd go away! His girlfriend tries to speak to me and make general conversation when she's around me. It literally makes me sick to my stomach....

He can have a relationship with his daughter but there is no reason you have to subject yourself to him and his gf. You can take some very simple steps to remove yourself from a lot of this.

I read plan be when this first started. I would love some suggestions on any other steps I could take. I am trying to be as civil as possible with him for the sake of our child, however, it's taking a huge toll on me. Softball season is starting up and they will be there, I am sure. Every weekend and at all practices.

That's too much contact. No wonder it's unbearable. You need to find a wya to avoid him and his gf as much as possible.

You may not be able to prevent exWH from showing up to school functions but you don't have to be around him or his gf. If he shows up, remove yourself from the immediate area. There is no reason his gf should be so close to you either. You can even tell her ONCE that you have nothing to say to her so please stop trying to engage you in conversation and leave it at that. I am sure she speaks English and has more than two brain cells so it is on her to grow a brain.

You can explain to your child's teacher that this woman is an OW so you would appreciate it if they would not ask you to engage with your exWH and his ho (assuming she shows) if they show their faces at the school. Most people are very understanding about this and some people may even make her feel unwelcome. Make sure this woman is never on a school pick up list or that your exWH can't remove DD from school if he only has weekend custody.

How are you doing exchanges? I hope you aren't letting him in your house.

Here is another BW who asked about how to handle contact with her exWH post-D:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2801742#Post2801742

If you haven't read her thread yet, give it a read. Her mood radically changed by controlling the things she could and letting go of the things she could not.

You may not be able to prevent exWH from showing up to school functions but you don't have to be around him or his gf. If he shows up, remove yourself from the immediate area. There is no reason his gf should be so close to you either. You can even tell her ONCE that you have nothing to say to her so please stop trying to engage you in conversation and leave it at that. I am sure she speaks English and has more than two brain cells so it is on her to grow a brain.

You can explain to your child's teacher that this woman is an OW so you would appreciate it if they would not ask you to engage with your exWH and his ho (assuming she shows) if they show their faces at the school. Most people are very understanding about this and some people may even make her feel unwelcome. Make sure this woman is never on a school pick up list or that your exWH can't remove DD from school if he only has weekend custody.

How are you doing exchanges? I hope you aren't letting him in your house.

Here is another BW who asked about how to handle contact with her exWH post-D:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2801742#Post2801742

If you haven't read her thread yet, give it a read. Her mood radically changed by controlling the things she could and letting go of the things she could not. [/quote]



Exchanges are okay. The gf is always with him. Whether it's 10:30 at night or 6:00 a.m. So, naturally it makes it a little rough as I am always alone. My problem with him is that he tries to hold everything over my head, like he's looking for me to do something that he can use against me. Our daughter is not allowed overnight stays at his house because he chose to let the OW move in with her children. SO, anytime my daughter and I go out of town, like this weekend, he asks her who went with us. He's trying to catch me with someone of the opposite sex around my daughter spending the night. I moved in with my parents when I left and on the nights he drops her off, If I am late, he will not leave her. He will sit in the car till I get there, and has even threatened to take her back to his house if I am not home at drop off time. My mom has been our daughters care giver from the time I went back to work after her birth, and now he wants to give me problems. When we were married he left her there all the time if he was off so he didn't have to deal with her. He was never a very involved father when we were married, he loves our daughter very much, but now, it's like he's gone into super dad overdrive. It's very annoying and hard on me because he's super dad and super boyfriend, and his life is so much better now that I am gone. From the outside he makes it appear that he has it all together and that cheating on me was the best decision he'd ever made. He's told me several times he hates how I found out, but he doesn't regret it for one second. Also, if I don't tell him about small, unimportant functions, those are the ones his girlfriend finds out about and they show up to. Like Thanksgiving lunch at school. Parents were welcome, but their wasn't an invite sent out. Myself and my parents went to eat lunch with my daughter and he showed up with the OW. We all had to sit at a table with my daughter like a happy family. That was one of the worst days to date. Ballgames are going to be a totally different story. Her family has welcomed him with open arms. I don't think they fully know the situation, but I don't think it will change anything when they do find out. They are very active in their grandchildren's sports and I just know that they will show up. They have my daughter calling them Nana and Pop. Not to mention his mother, whom I loathe~~ My life is just so difficult and this affair turned into a dream for him and a nightmare for me. I feel like I am the one that was wrong because it's all working out so right for him. Sorry this is so long. There are so many things I have to work through, even a year out.

What does your divorce decree say about exchanges? Or the law? A parent is usually allowed to designate a person to pick up or drop off a child. If there is nothing specific in your decree there should be something in the law. What specifically is said about school functions?

You are going to have to toughen up. Even things like DD calling OW's parents Nana and Pop...you can still explain to DD that they are not her grandaparents and she doesn't have to call them that if she does not want to. I would be more upfront with teachers, coaches, team parents etc...you don't get along with your exWH and his gf was his mistress. You also don't have to tell him about any functions...big or small. He can find out himself.

This is a choice. I get the feeling you and your parents are too timid to speak up and tell this woman she should be ashamed to show her face at your house, DD's school etc. No way would I just sit there and act like a happy family. If you/your family make it unpleasant for her to be there she will likely go away. I am not saying act crazy but you need to apply pressure so she won't want to come.

ETA: Just because a parent is allowed to attend school functions, does not mean that parent can bring other guests on campus. You should talk to the school admin and see if the OW can be forbidden to come on campus since she is not a parent. Given that you have custody during school hours, you should be able to control this. ExWh may be able to come on campus but that doesn't mean you have to give access to anyone else unless you authorize it.

This is disgraceful. He is controlling you from beyond the grave of the marriage because you haven't implemented Plan B.

Why does he have your number? Why do you EVER stay in the same vicinity as either of them? Why aren't drop offs done by a third party? If he withholds your daughter, call the police or log it with the courts and have his access reassessed.

You really need to crack down on this and stop being a victim.

He should have absolutely no opportunity to see or contact you whatsoever. Much less his whore!

He gets visitation rights to the child - not to you!

If he doesn't like it tough.

Take your daughter home from any school event they allow the adulterer access to.

Horrendous.

Affairs are no fun when there's no victim. They don't want to stay home and eat Thanksgiving food alone.

They want to do the happy divorce torture dance because without the BS to crow over or compete with, the affair is a two legged stool.

Get someone to be an email intermediary. The intermediary should only be there to tell you when he can't make a visitation. If he misses a date on the schedule, he has to wait for the next one. Any kind of snideyness or insult or drama should fall on the spam filter ears of the intermediary who of course will not pass it on to you.

He should hand her over to your mother and any argument should hear your mother say 'She's here but of course she doesn't want to speak to you. She will however call the police and her lawyer if you pull anything'.

After a few of those, he won't care if you are there or not, since it doesn't give him any opportunity to abuse you'.

You can see why she'd need to keep an eye on him.

Enter Plan B making good use of her jealousy. Send a handwritten letter to their place - she will certainly open it, she played second fiddle to you for too long.

In it write that you find his 'addresses' and insistence on contact with you distressing since you consider yourself divorced and want nothing to do with him. In order to 'send a clear message' about the future and 'be allowed to date without harrassment' you will be changing your number, blocking social media etc. Any contact must go through myfriend@byebyeforever.com.

The competition between you and her is now a bit of an anticlimax because she's been dumped with a reject.

Also, if he does get funny about needing to speak with you he will have her on his back like wallpaper.

Then relax as life gets instantly better.

Like

This is a situation where exposure was not done, so of course the affair is thriving. After telling her parents he's a nice guy, she can't go back on that.

You would hope that this poster is out getting legal and financial advice and warning the local PD that her ex is throwing tantrums in the driveway.

However since nothing has been done so far, I fear all that will happen in this situation is more bending over.

These poor children are about to see a lifetime demonstration of 'nice women submit to their abusers' and 'if we want daddy to like you we have to knuckle under'.

The worst thing is that because the children haven't been told about the affair, they will think this is normal - or their fault.

For what? So you can get a ringside seat at the affair's destruction? That will never happen while you are there to watch and give them momentum.