Hi! I am sorry that your hurting! I escaped a bad marriage that was abusive & wanted to talk.

First, don't do a regular exposure but YES, now is the time to call your close family & friends to tell them what had been going on & ask for their support. I wouldn't worry about his family. You need them to know- you have told your dad right? Everything?

Second, that Facebook post : That post made me gag. I am not attached to him though so it helps to see it.

Care doesn't equal a guilt trip!!!

What is wrong with saying that you can not & will not get over the past but wish him the best as a human being. You are simply responding to his actions as a consequence. You leaving him isn't the bad or wrong thing- it was how he treated you. You aren't ruining his life- he did that all on his own!
(And really, there are no abusive men on the planet that aren't good sometimes etc. That is beside the point- it's not his good times that get to you- it's all those other unsafe times that really are intolerable & dangerous to your life & your son)

It's time for plan B. Do not go back to him !!! Talk to a shelter now if your dad can't help please!!!!
1. Stop talking to him, seeing him, or anything. Go dark!
2. Get on the phone & get some support from your family & friends
3. Get that lawyer/ or women shelter call done ASAP
4. Try to get on anti depressants?? I think your depression is making you feel confused.

I'll be thinking of you. And don't think of letting him near your son alone!!!! My ex did horrific things to my son that way & I will never forgive myself. I want yo spare you that agony if possible.

This is all you need to know really.

My Zoloft was doubled a couple months ago... Which is probably why I've been feeling some (although mixed) revelations about my situation.

I'm at max on my Zoloft now

Then you just need to stop talking to your boyfriend. He should feel like you are ignoring him. Write him a plan B email message & send it to him.
This will make you feel wonders quickly!

Again, I am sorry you are going through this but more sorry that he has been so vile to you- giving your crap & calling it roses. I am sorry you feel guilty for HIS actions.
You are rising up in a good way and drawing a line of enough.
Time to totally protect yourself from him.
So what can you do today? Why not call your friends & family and get their support- it will help you!!!

I avoided him last night and today, I just can't handle listening to his guilt trips and begging, it is tearing me apart. He emailed me research on ptsd and it's relation to porn addictions and how wives feel and how couples move foward.... But it only pushed me further away as the part about sex addiction and its slippery slope that ends in child pornography and snuff films really scared me... I don't know if this and excuse and guilt tactic or If he is sincerely trying to fix himself and to salvage our relationship. But I honestly don't want to be with him anymore. I just feel like I have to. I know it sounds crazy. I'm just really tore up emotionally.

What actions has he DONE (I'm not talking words), but actions that he has done to make you feel safe?

List them here.

Regretfully, your father is not a clinical psychologist, not is he apperently familiar with the treatment and mind-set of people with serious psychological problems.

Please read again what you wrote.
This is so far from normal, I don't even know where to begin. Look at what this has come to. Is this what you dreamt of as a little girl? Is this the environment that you envisioned for your future children? You deserve better than this.
You deserve better than: "he will probably not kill us".

In normal families, a man and a woman sit on the couch drinking tea or something and holding hands while looking at their child. In healthy families, the wife does not have to save the husband from his inner demons. In healthy families, the man does not have affairs and sex with random strangers. In healthy relationships, a man will not use all kinds of extravagant excuses as to why he is sex addicted and suicidal. In relationships with a future, the man does not behave as you have described for the last 10 years.
In a man wanting to protect his family in the future, there is no taking short-cuts and guilt tripping his wife back to the mess she has turned her back on.
In people who are sincere about change, there is a willingness to prove this change first and get a reward later.


You are right to long for a loving family. Only, the man he could be has always been that: COULD. Prisons are full of men with potential.
You see the good in him and what he could be. But you have got to be honest and realistic at this point for you, but more so for your child.
You are not going to win this lottery. Your child's life is to precious to take chances with. Children grow up without fathers all the time and live a good life. But do you think president Obama would have ever become a president, if he had been around a father who was as unstable as your boyfriend?
Children thrive in stable families, with people that love them, be that an aunt, a loving neighbour or a friendly grandfather. Children thrive with a sane mother who has time to be their rock instead of running around, being busy to save her boyfriend from his next crisis.

Please hear me:

1.
First and foremost: cancel that flight. You have not thought this through to the end. By having a set flight date and thinking you can always cancel it, you will at the last minute take the flight to avoid losing money. Just call them now and cancel. This is too early and it is causing you stress and you know it. If there will ever be a time to reconcile, that time is not at the end of February.
Even if you lose money over it, this is a small price to pay.

2.
Make a second call to a women's shelter. Actually go there and talk to them.

3.
Go to an attorney so that you will at least know your rights. Often the first contact is for free.

4.
Go into plan B for at least 2 months without a break and you will feel better.

Please know that I regretfully know what I am talking about. This is more serious than you think at this point. Listen to all the people here and contact Dr. Harley again. I will pray for you and your child.

Also, it is very sad, that a father would send his daughter back to a man who has treated her so poorly. You deserve not only a man who will take you in his strong arms and protect you, but you also deserve a family that shelters you. You would shelter your child if it came to you and was being abused, would you?

Please don't sacrifice your child on the altar of your attachment to this boy who is not really your friend.

Actually my dad has a masters in physiology lol but that's beside the point. I'm just being a smart butt

Physiology or psychology? Regardless, having a degree in psychology does not a relationship expert make... Especially when one is an abuse victim..

Physiology is not going to help him here. You have already told us that he has let himself be abused by your mother.
But you are obviously intelligent, so you can make a better life for your son. Are you in physiology as well?

Psychology* . And no I am a vet assistant, never got through school.... Wanted to be a vet. Psychology does not seem to have a promising career outlook in today's economy.. And it scares me a little because one of my greatest anxietys is that I might be crazy like certain relatives ... I just admitted to my SO that I don't love him anymore and never will again. That was probably a huge mistake. He didn't respond which is very unusual.... Usually he calls and cries and begs.. which probably means he is either on his way out here or hurting himself... I really hope neither are the case.

Please make a list of several women's shelters right now including phone numbers and the ways of getting there.

I would encourage you to go somewhere for the weekend that your boyfriend does not know about and do not give your parents the address because you can not trust them to protect you if he comes out there.
Go to a hotel with your son. Or to a friend who is not close to your family or known to your boyfriend or to a women's shelter. Go and stay until you know where he is and have consulted a lawyer.

Please. I have had friends in your situation and they have gotten hurt. Please protect your son and yourself. You can do this.

Honey, you can not feel responsible for his actions anymore. He is a grown up and what he does is on him. He is not a good man, good partner, good father at this point. I hope he isn't hurting himself either, but if he does, its not your fault. Its a good thing you admitted that to him and yourself. Now you can begin to move on with both of you and your son's lives without the albatross around your neck. Are you up to date on any certifications you might need? Maybe it would be good for you to start looking for a job in your hometown, where your family is?

he is not on his way, he is with his mother. Since I have told him the truth about the way I feel, he has left me alone. Except to ask "did you get my emails?" and "what about [our son] ? His email scared me because it was research that talked about a slippery slope of porn addiction which leads to child pornography and snuff films.... He has already graduated to the point of gang bang videos, and has tried restraining me during sex (lightly by the neck and wrists) but DID stop when I told him too.... But the fact that he has done that when he knows restraint scares the hell out of me.... That scares me... I didn't realize it was part of the slippery slope of sex addiction.... That he needs more and more diversity and quantity to make him feel alive because ptsd has made him feel so numb. I feel great remorse that he was raped as a child and what it has done to him.... But what if he is becoming the same monster?? He seems to be... Even though he swears to God that he would kill somebody if they touched a child, especially his son.... But now I am extra afraid to have either of us around him.. I truly felt like he didn't have that potential, but I thought I knew him, and I didnt. I am so depressed. I know my life will be fine, and I am starting to realize that I am actually worth something... But change is so hard on me, and I feel so much remorse for causing him any pain by leaving... Especially by keeping his son from him. I realize that he did this to himself. I do. But I still feel terrible. When does it get better? How do I stay strong and keep apart from him? Why do I feel like I am a bad person?

I'll ask again.

What actions (if any) has he DONE? Not words, but actions?

Why doesn't he say to you "until you can be safe from me I support you by staying with your family until I have fixed my issues and I'm safe to be around".

Action wise; as far as I know, (given he has lied and lied for a decade) he stopped the sexting/cyber sex thing... But I have no proof of that... He had broken his phone but still had access to mine (that's where our unlimited, high speed internet comes from)... I was however able to undelete several gang bang videos up until I left. He proclaims that he only posted adds to meet couples for sex because it helped developed the fantasy for him... I'm here-- you could be here--- sort of thing....but that he never intended to nor followed through with the acts... He has recently admitted to posting craiglist Adds for sex all over the country.... All in response to my question, "why would you post an add to have sex with a couple in the same exact city we were visiting for family vacation (we had our newborn with us by the way)" . And that the condoms I found were only to make him feel like someone else was touching him. He also proclaims that the devastation of his fathers sudden death and my cheating on him shortly after (although he says he understands and that it's not an excuse) elevated him to the level of behavior he has reached, that it was never that bad. But i don't know what to believe anymore, nor that it should be acceptable anyways! He has been attending counseling with me at his request to salvage our relationship, and truly has made a LARGE turn around in his emotionally behavior/mood/reactions etc since beginning therapy only a short time ago. And he did have the guns removed immediately as I requested. And claims to have stopped smoking weed. But who knows really... But even if he is changing, and changes for good, do I really owe it to him to try to work it out later?? I've fallen out of love with him, although I love him like family, and I really haven't even liked him as a person in several years for the most part. And to be honest, although it feels superficial to admit it, I have never been physically attracted to him, so now that I don't love him, I've lost all attraction to him... I will never fully be happy with him even if he changes. Is that alone a selfish reason not to try to put a family back together if je changes? Do I owe it to him or to my son to wait for that change. I only have one life to live and only one chance to ensure my son is raised healthy in a way that our families have never had.. Is it okay to live my own life instead of living "our life" ? I feel like a bad person.

There weren't any actions of his. They were all actions that you did, i.e. you deleted the gang bang videos. Him trying to restrain you during sex is an extremely unsafe situation for you to be in and abuse. He can go to jail for that. Do you understand that?

You're not a bad person to finally draw boundaries with him to not take his abuse anymore. It's called being good to yourself and being smart to get away from an abuser.

Ugh I just fell for all his religious revelation stuff and he is letting me be in the power seat now and now I'm trying to let him see his kid and stuff. He wants me to come back for the weekend to gather my things so he can see his son.... But I'm worried he might flip switches again and take my kid or something. Ugh he seems so sincere. I have a serious problem. I am a love addict. I never felt loved as a child and have always made it my top priority. Love is my drug. He hurts me and I know it, but I keep running back to him. I get the high I need when he says all the right things. He said all the right things last night. I need help. I need to cut all ties from him and protect my son. I need to learn how to have a relationship with myself. I need to focus on my future and focus on raising my son in a heathy manner. Can you tell I'm a mental wreck? I'm so back and forth. please help me make the best choices.