PW, I had the unfortunate luck to get involved at DB, too. I tried to tell my story as truthfully as possible. They simply refused to believe that my WW never complained. They insisted that her affair was my fault. Tried to convince me to do a 180. Dr. Harley's advice is so much better for the betrayed spouse. I'm sure waywards love the advice over at DB, though.

Most of the women I saw on online dating sites had children.
Its very rare to find a woman over 30 without a child.

My "coach" told me to engage with him the whole time and have "family time" with him and my daughter. Talk about cake eating. It nearly destroyed me.

This is so scary that advice like that is being given by the "so called experts". I think it's so sad.

I'm so glad that you and others found your way over here to MB. Dr. Harley is by far, the leading expert on how to deal with infidelity.

We really are one big MB family.

I was so distraught at one point because I let him come home without any conditions and he was still working with her. I told my " coach" that I couldn't stand him working with her and she said, "do you see things as black and white? He isn't committed to her either." That's when I hung up and never looked back.

Yes, it is black and white. My husband should not be doing this and I shouldn't have to tolerate it or try to "win" him back. I don't compete with anyone and should never have been put in that position.

It's not that I have her, per se. It's just finding the time to date while working and having a little kid. But that's really tomorrow's worry and I'll cross that bridge in the future if it comes to that.

I don't know much about the Divorce Busting programs. But I have seen their results. Many of their former adherents come to this forum after following their program for months or years and have never exposed to family and friends.
In some ways, it seems to enable the adultery.

The fact is most affairs die anyway so I can understand the waiting game that DB seems to advocate but do they have a plan to restore romantic love after the affair? I've read that they don't have a plan.

No wonder you were so hungry for a plan and followed it. Plan B is for the BS to heal and be removed from the abuse of the affair. This very point is why Dr. Harley recommends 2-3 weeks of Plan A for BW and 6 months-2 years of Plan A for BH. There really is a difference between men and women from BW and BH to WW and WH. When other sites try to lump everyone (by that I mean by the different sexes) into the same plan that is such dangerous advice.

No. There's no plan. The hope is that by doing the 180, you will become a super spouse "that only a fool would leave." The affair is your fault, and if you don't become the best spouse in the world, your wayward spouse is going to cheat again, and that's your fault, too.

They didn't have a follow up plan as far as I could tell. I was just desperate to have him back. But then her came back and if was worse than him being gone (and when he was "gone" I saw him almost daily anyway. He would pick me up from work like he did before the affair!!!) because I had so much anxiety about him seeing her but living with me.

I had a sense that I needed go escape the situation in some way, so when I found MB and saw that Dr. Harley advocated moving, I was relieved.

Has your IM read the training thread? Mostly she should be saying 'not telling her any of that'

Yeah. She has read it, but she still kind of doesn't get it. She won't pass on anything blatantly abusive, but she'll still pass on hings like his recent request that my daughter not have the TV on during his skype calls with her. I understand that she thinks that is innocent, but I just don't need to hear it. I keep the TV on in the background in her room, so she won't just leave the room altogether. I have had to tell her that I don't want him interfering in my parenting and I won't interfere in his.

Again, she kind of doesn't get it. She'll say, "well you have to deal with him for the next 15 years. what if she has a problem in school?" I just tell her that I'll deal with it if she does. He is not my partner anymore and he'll see her so infrequently that it doesn't matter.

She just also moved completely to email with him, which I said to do from the beginning. She was getting annoyed at his texts personally and said to me, "I don't have to do this. You two could hire an IM." I told her she didn't have to do it if she didn't want to and I would look for someone else, but it's not as though my WH wants an IM. He would love it if you didn't you didn't do this so that he could bother me directly, so don't say that to him. Its not as though this is something that he wanted." So she said she would move it to email. She is actually a good friend, but she doesn't quite get it.

Also, I was breaking Plan B too much and she pass the messages on. So I am not completely blameless or anything. I contributed to the problem. However, with me not doing that and her moving things to email, I think it will improve for everyone, except maybe WH.

I could be an email IM if you need one.

Thanks Indiegirl,

I asked the mods for your email. I think my friend is OK emailing, but someone with more experience might be better.

Has he ever mentioned wanting alimony? If he hasn't, it isn't your job to bring it up. I would still fight any request for alimony with the argument that he could earn more but was/is too busy chasing women vs working. Even though CA is a no fault state I would make it clear that you plan to bring it up as a reason you should not have to pay alimony. WH may be afraid that you will air all his dirty laundry if he tried to pursue alimony. No way would a pay a WS without a fight.

When you file you need to paint a VERY ugly picture of what is in store for him if he wants to fight with you. He still doesn't have an attorney, correct?

No, he has an idiot attorney. She is one of his clients and is friends with his mistress. She even knows me and she is helping him. I'm not sure of he is paying her or not. My lawyer doesn't think she knows what she is doing because she oy moonlights (she mostly works as a PI).

He hasn't mentioned alimony because I am unemployed at the moment, but if I do get a job, he could try to get it before that divorce is final. I plan to fight him on it.

WH sent over a message about wanting buying my daughter's health insurance (and maybe mine, he says) and warning our SSNs and address (he should know this, but whatever) to buy it. I am in the process of looking of seeing if we qualify for medi-cal since I lost our insurance when I was laid off. While I would like him to pay for something for our dd, I am hesitant to let him do this. He had asked. Several weeks ago what she needed and one of the things I mentioned was insurance (also part-time preschool and swim lessons). He didn't do anything about it, so I just assumed that he wouldn't.

I still don't know if dd and I qualify for medi-cal. I am trying to find that out. Any suggestions on what I should tell him.

I would plan something that would be applicable if you two were divorced.

Plan B gives you an independent and attractive life and lets him see what divorce would be really like.

Don't plan anything that involves reliance until recovery is underway and he has proven reliability.

Put it this way, if you were getting dates how would you feel about telling them your ex pays your health bills.

Start planning your life now.