Is this it?
Radio Clip of Roughrock18's question

Yes, that was my story. That is great. I am so grateful that they actually took the time to address it. I really appreciate it. I had my wife listen to it yesterday evening, and she was a good sport about it. She did say that she felt like it didn�t describe her Emotional affair the way she sees it, because she doesn�t think the first Dday was actually an emotional affair, because she wasn�t trying to hide if from me at that point(even though I was completely blindsided when I found out about their conversations, and was hurt beyond belief). She says she doesn�t feel like it was an EA until she went underground with the relationship, and began lying to me. I just left it at that, as I didn�t want to discuss details. It was a good conversation, and she was very open and calm last night. I mentioned to my wife about replying to MB Radio, as they suggested, but she didn�t seem like that is something she would do.

I can tell some of these conversations that we are having are making her aware of her interactions, because she actually told me the other day, that at my sons basketball game, she came out of the bathroom, and the one neighbor that I complained about at the bowling alley a couple weeks ago, happened to be in the hall, and struck up a conversation with her on the way back into the gym. She said she kept the conversation very short and to the point, and didn�t carry on at all. I was also thankful that she mentioned that to me, because those are the kinds of situations where in the past she would have continued the conversation, and definitely wouldn�t have mentioned it to me later. It definitely makes me feel like she is making an effort.

Anyways� thanks to everyone on here for taking the time to coach and support me.

I didn't see any response to the multiple posts about your wife's job.

I know you see this as a positive and I hate to be a Debbie Downer but this is raising red flags for me.

Continuing to have social interactions with him and then "reporting" it back to you isn't the answer. She needs to stay far away from him. Is she willing to end her friendship with this man?

My wife is not willing to leave her job. We have had this discussion a million times, and she won�t budge.



Like I addressed in the email to the Radio show, I am not worried or concerned about this particular guy at all. The only time she has ever talked to him, is just casually at basketball games for my son. I would even say that most of these conversations were with me sitting right next to her, and while a loud game is going on. In fact I would never even consider that they are friends at all. The real thing that I am trying to get her to see, is that when she talks to other men, I am triggered, because of the events of last year. In the past, I never would have thought twice about this, but now all I can picture, is her interacting with the OM� I am just hoping she will eventually start to see how important it is for her to have strong boundaries around the OS, and how by doing this, it not only keeps me from being triggered, but protects our marriage from future trouble.

I hear some BH history rewriting here. She was flirtatious with this man.

Susie is right that continued social interaction with him is dangerous.
Will she stop?

Not good.



You have posted a couple of times now about this guy and your W flirting/ chatting it up. The fact that it is happening in front of you (some of the time) shouldn't make you more comfortable about it. You should be very concerned about this guy, RR.

I need to add here that my ex H had these types of OS interactions that he would always have explanations for - it wasn't his fault this person was being friendly with him. They happened to bump into each other. He had no idea why this person was emailing him/approaching him. Etc Etc Etc.

I think you posted before that your wife is so beautiful that men follow her around the grocery store, she is basically an innocent bystander. I used to think the same thing, well, he's a good looking guy and has a job that makes him somewhat "famous" in our community so maybe these women are chasing him around even though he doesn't encourage it.

RR, this is not happening by accident. Unless she AGREES to end her OS friendships and flirting ways, please keep your eyes wide open because she is at HIGH RISK for another affair.

So in the example I gave above, where she mentions to me that he started talking to her on the way back into the gym, and she didn't carry on the conversation. How should I address this? Should I ask her why she didn't just ignore him and be rude?

Has she agreed to end all OS friendships ??

Because from what I can tell from what you have posted - the answer was no and that you are being crazy.

I agree with the others. Her boundaries around men are non existing. What does she plan to do about this?

Will she go on the show and talk to the Harleys?

I mentioned to her about talking with the Harleys, but she did not seem like she would. I think you have all made valid points, and its kind of obvious why I am always triggered. The problem is, she has agreed to not talk to other men, but then she always seems to have a reason to do it.

I went off AD's for the first time since June, so I am not feeling 100% lately anyways.

Roughrock,

Since our circumstances are somewhat similar, I've been following the posts on your thread and learning from the wisdom of these veteran posters right along with you. I understand your plight and I'm pulling for you!

Not knowing the circumstances of why you have stopped the ADs, I would just say be careful about going off them if they are keeping you on an even keel. I know there may be some disagreement amoung MH professionals about the length of time one should stay on them, but if you need them, well maybe you still need them?

Maybe you should go back on ADs until you get through this? What about you writing the Harleys back for yourself and be a caller this time? Or at the very least write another email to Dr. Harley letting him know she won't stop the flirting and she won't protect her love bank from others making deposits?

How hard is it to say: "Excuse me, I have to go?"

No one is required to stand around making small talk in free countries. It's not 'rude' to excuse yourself and go about your business.

Plus, Susie is right. People don't target the unwilling or the busy for conversation. No matter how attractive! Most of our interactions are non verbal and few people would strike up a conversation without exchanging a smile or other signalled invitation.

Nobody is interested in forcing small talk on your wife. She's encouraging it or it wouldn't be happening.

Yeah. This is something many BSs can get "foggy" on (myself included) since it paints their WS as somehow innocent that I have considered making a topic of it's own in SAA.

RR, I noticed that you did not answer my question if your W is willing to end OS friendships. That's why your W seems to have so many "incidents" with men....not because of how attractive she is.

The most I can get out of my W, along these lines, is she will say that she will be mindful of my feelings.

She is still hiding things. Maybe you are OK with that, but it is next to impossible to have a new intimate relationship with secrets still present.

I have heard on these boards advice to have regular PG testing for awhile, while you are building back trust. I believe that was in reference to advice Dr Harley gave. It is true that this does not take the place of transparency, nor can it go on forever, but as a means to build back trust over time. You are just talking about ONE poly though, not multiple, and she is not even agreeing to that.

It seems to me that she is continuing to put YOU and your healing last over her own IB, and not first as she should be. You have ever right to ask for a polygraph, and if she was interested in you healing and trusting her again, she would welcome the opportunity to set your mind at ease. Instead, she is 'insulted' which is the #1 polygraph gas lighting method.

It would ease my mind greatly, even if she would just agree to the appointment. Even if I just scheduled it and drove down there, it would help me heal, just knowing that she is willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild the trust. The fact that she just adamantly shuts me down, and tells me how cruel and degrading it is of me to even ask that, makes me feel like she is doing as little as possible, to coast into complacency. She told my 18 year old daughter that I mentioned a polygraph test, and my daughter was angry at me, and told me that I was way out of line also. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can explain to her why this isn�t the big deal she is making out of it?

On a lighter note, for Valentines day, she got me some gifts and a card. In the card she wrote a lot of great stuff. It meant the world to me, because I don�t think she has given me a card or letter in at least 10 years.

RR18,

You wrote, She told my 18 year old daughter that I mentioned a polygraph test, and my daughter was angry at me, and told me that I was way out of line also.

But did she tell your daughter the full story? You can discount what your daughter says by her age and peer influences. Did you tell you daughter what happened?

You could tell your WW that you want to put an end to your doubts and the polygraph is needed to move on. It's as much for your marriage 5 10 or 20 years from now as it is for today.

Alternately thinking outside the box ask your WW if it would be OK to give the OM a polygraph?

God Bless
Gamma

That's quite an aggressive move on your W's part and really makes me wonder what she is hiding from you...