Well, good luck with that. That attitude never works and the marriage ends. After a few years of suffering, first.

I felt the same way and it didn't work for me, either.

If you want a plan to get your wife on board, that's what we'll help you do. I agree with you that she SHOULD be on board now, but she is not, and emphasizing how upset you feel about it won't help anything. It would be better to just go see a divorce attorney and head on out; end contact with her permanently to minimize your pain, and move on.

If you want to keep your marriage, though, let us know, and we will be glad to help. It's going to require doing some things you don't want to do, though.

Most WW do not feel remorse. Ever. Some will eventually, but don't count on it.

But remorse is not required for recovery.

You guys need to move away from the triggers. And you need to guarantee that even when you are triggered, you do not act demanding, disrespectful, or angry towards your wife. Can you guarantee that?

Are you listening to the radio show, daily?

Have you introduced your wife to this plan - have you shown her the book Surviving an Affair?

She is probably not going to get on board with showing you affection until she is in love with you. Most wives do not. It usually takes the husband priming the pump by meeting her emotional needs when he does not feel like it. It is extremely uncommon for a marriage to be saved by the wife meeting emotional needs when she does not feel like it.

If this is hard for you, I would encourage you to see a doctor (your regular doctor will work) and ask to have antidepressants prescribed for you for the short term while you work this plan to save your marriage. I eventually did that; I wish I'd done it a lot sooner.

WW and I talked. I made a point to be calm and reassuring throughout. She said she still loves OM and cannot begin to love me until she gets over him. She said "what you see is what you get for the time being". She will not seek counseling of any kind until she is over OM, but she encouraged me to seek counseling so I can cope with what she did to me, because she can't give me what I require. How thoughtful of her....

She is remorseful, but does not want to spend considerable UA time with me right now, or try very hard to rebuild. She says she needs to heal first.

So there you have it.

Typical WW fogbabble. Nothing there we haven't heard a hundred times. You are facing what many BH have faced before you.

So, are you going to follow the program?

You didn't answer any of these questions. We can help you with all of the problems you described and I have been exactly where you are with a reluctant wife who did not want to do Marriage Builders. If you will do the things I am asking you about, that is the first steps to take on the path that will teach you how to get your wife on board.

Most men who post here do not have a wife who is enthusiastic about Marriage Builders. Frequently that reluctant wife is a formerly wayward wife. If you would like to learn how to solve that problem, we can help you do that if we can get you engrossed into educating yourself in the Marriage Builders program. If you are just posting to show us that the problem is unsolvable because of your wife, then you can't move anywhere until we get you busy getting educated.

So let me ask again, are you listening to the Marriage Builders Radio program, daily?

Don't talk to your wife about the affair again.

If you are telling me that it is common for a BH to follow this program alone, and it will work without her buy-in, then I will do that.

To answer your questions:

I cannot move away from triggers, unless I leave my wife and 16 month old daughter for the time being, which I don't see as helpful, nor do I or WW want that. WW refuses to consider moving unless we decide to separate/divorce, and I will not move my child far away from our extended family who love her very much and see her regularly, which would be required since OM works in the next town.

She will not entertain the option of counseling or recovery now. She knows I'm reading Surviving an Affair. I've shown her this site and the book. She is not interested.

I will call my doctor and get on prescription anti-depressants. I have been taking OTC AD supplements, but clearly they are not effective enough.

I am rarely demanding, disrespectful, or angry towards my wife when I am triggered. I am generally quiet but visibly upset, withdrawn or aggravated. That is usually enough to push her away. I will try harder to hide my pain.

I will start listening to the program each day.

We did not speak of the details of affair last night, nor do we ever. I have no desire to. She brought up the lingering love of OM as an explanation for her inability to give me the affection I require. I did not even ask her for an explanation, nor did I want one.

So then, I guess I have to keep working on UA time. As I have posted, I have been trying. I am making suggestions and offering to take her places and do things I know she would enjoy. She is resisting most out of the home requests, so I am limited to joining in the activities she likes to do at home or with our daughter or her extended family. I don't believe that fits the description of UA time, but it's the best she'll give me.

EH

I have decided to employ the steps outlined below. Please let me know if I am on the right track, and what else I should be doing or not doing to work towards rebuilding my wife's love for me and getting her on board with the program.

1. take antidepressants

2. study and practice meditation and yoga

3. respond to triggers internally only. If necessary, calmly leave the room or situation which caused the trigger until I can regain composure, especially if WW is present.

4. expect zero affection or sexual fulfillment from WW for the foreseeable future.

5. continue to show her affection daily, even if it is not reciprocated.

6. build up to 25-30hrs a week of UA time, as WW will permit, focusing entirely on her interests and needs. Suggest activities, but do not insist we do them. Agree to any suggestions she may have, even of they are not one-on-one activities.

7. Allow her some private time as she requests it, even if it affects UA goals.

8. Continue to read Surviving and Affair and listen to the Marriage Builders radio program

9. Continue to improve on the items WW identified in me that caused her to fall out of love with me.

10. Completely disregard my personal needs for affection and love, and the desire for a quickened pace of recovery. That has led to disappointment, aggravation, and resentment for WW, and has only slowed recovery.


any other suggestions?

EH

Have you listened to the clips in here?

Dr. Harley on How to Deal With Triggers

Yes. I've listened to those clips and tried to leverage the advice therein whenever possible.

I'm having another issue now which will affect UA time. Money. There isn't much left. I control the finances, so I know very little was spent by WW on the affair, but the last two months of snooping, investigating, trying to provide UA time and catering to WW have drained the discretionary and savings accounts to zero. UA time will be even more difficult now, and she'll have yet another excuse to not want to go anywhere with me.

Hopefully with spring coming I can find more free and cheap activities out of doors, and more progress can be made.

At least if this doesn't work out, she can't take half of nothing....

Still praying it doesn't come to that.

EH

EH

I just want to encourage you to stay strong and focus on working the plan, it would be great to see you become one of the success stories around here.

It�s good you are not talking about the affair, but what kind of stuff do you talk about?

Use the conversations as a chance to talk about the future and paint a happy picture of you, her and your daughter. It can be as simple has how much fun it will be to take your daughter to the park when the weather breaks and how exciting it will be to watch her explore and play. Its months away but talk about how you want to celebrate your daughters birthday has a family, get her to give you ideas what she thinks would be a fun way to do it.

I understand when money gets tight it can be hard to do things, but get creative. Instead of going on a �date� see if a family member would watch your daughter so the 2 of you can go to the mall and walk around window shopping for something for the house that would inexpensive to get since you are tight on funds. A new lamp, bedding something simple you might need or want. Maybe pick a room that needs new paint and go shopping with her to pick out colors. Maybe have her pick out a new outfit that you can set a goal to save up for as a couple.

Does your community have free or cheap things to do at libraries or community centers or civic groups.

Find a local place that does karaoke and go sing or make fun of the people who do together.

Have a family member watch your daughter and challenge her to a cooking competition in your kitchen, have you both make your own flavor of the same dish and serve it to each other. Or play a game like a cooking show you each name ingredients and an amount of time each has to make a meal out of it.

Do you have a local winery or brewery, usually they have free tours and you get samples.

Heck go to a high school or college play

Hopefully you get the idea look around there has to be cheap or free things to do even in the winter months that will allow the 2 of you to create good memories together.

Thanks for the advice and the words of confidence, ThePhoenix. They are much appreciated. We have been doing some of the things you have suggested, and I will try to incorporate more of your ideas and my own.

I'm certainly at a frustrating phase right now. There are times where her lack of effort make me want to throw in the towel, other times where I actually feel sympathy seeing her struggle to move forward out of the fog , and still others where I can tell she still has regret for her actions and love for me.

I will say at least that where I am now is far better than where I was a month ago, fighting to rid my family of the disease of this affair. At that time I would have given everything just to have OM gone. Now I have that, and I should take some comfort there from.

I don't know if I will see this through. I'm not even sure that I want to, to be honest. I have been emotionally destroyed, disrespected, and humiliated more than I ever imagined possible. And of all people, the person whom I cherished more than anything in this world was the one who inflicted that pain. As a result, I'm not sure I can live with that for the rest of my life. This process has drained away almost all of my love for her, and I don't know that I can or even want to get it back.

But I do know that I want to try. Some days more than others, but I want to try, and I believe that the advice available on this site gives me the best opportunity for success.

Thank you again to everyone who has provided me with advice and support on this site. I have no doubt that I would be in a far worse position today had I not come here, and that has already made it worthwhile.

EH

You need to decide. No one would blame you if you divorce her now, but recovery has no hope with a husband who is half-hearted. You've got to be all-in or nothing.

You are right. I know I need to be all-in on this, and I will be. This is a new hurdle for me, and I'm confident I'll overcome it. Up until a few days ago I did not question my commitment, but the lack of affection and almost complete loss of love for my wife has given me pause.

I'll focus on my daughter. The need to be in her life every single day instead of some form of joint custody is enough to keep me trying. I can't allow her grow up without me, especially in an environment where adulterous behavior is condoned by her mother.

She cannot be taught that it is acceptable to choose yourself over those whom you have vowed to love and cherish forever. She cannot grow up to believe that you can run away as soon as life gets difficult or doesn't turn out as you had expected. If I give up now, then she will have two parents who will have done that, not just one.

Her need to grow up in a family where at least one parent has real values is paramount. My needs are secondary. My parents showed me the importance of family. They worked hard to provide for their five children and teach us to never give up on one another, no matter what, and we are all very close as a result. I, at least, will do the same for my child.

There are those who will tell me this is the wrong reason to stay. I won't argue that, but in my current world where just about everything is wrong, she is the one thing I can keep close to me that is right.

EH

If your marriage is to recover, you will also have to drop the disrespectful judgments.

The thing your daughter needs most is two parents who are in love with each other, and the best thing you can do for your child is to love her mother. Why not follow the plan here to restore love to your marriage?

Are you listening to the radio show daily? Got those antidepressants prescribed, yet?

You're both right. And for what it's worth, I've never said anything like that to her. I know it would be counterproductive. But it does help for me to get those thoughts off my chest here or to trustworthy friends whom I know won't repeat it.

I am reading SAA, and listening to the broadcasts.

I have a doctors appt. Monday for the prescription

Any thoughts on when I can reintroduce this program to her. Short of her saying "I'm ready", are there any signs I should be looking for? I don't want to try again too soon and push her even further from choosing this program.