Is this correct in applying the POJA? For example, My H will never be enthusiastic about the dogs in the house. And I'm not enthusiastic about the dogs being outside all the time. But, I don't need to be enthusiastic.

Sometimes, there are just things that a spouse may never be ok with. They don't have to be ok.

With the example of the Margaret, her husband may never be ok with her making more than him, so she will need to make less than him, or it will be a love buster. Right?

Tenacious, did you get a chance to listen to this show?

Dr. Harley is a big advocate of trying the simplest solutions first. In this case, Dr. Harley thinks it is very likely that the husband will not feel this way after other problems in the marriage are fixed. There are a lot of issues that fix this pattern. Two other examples I can think of: the wife doesn't like how much time the husband is working - but Dr. Harley might find out how she feels after she is getting adequate UA time before reducing his work ours; example 2 - the wife is not enthusiastic about sex, but Dr. Harley would see how she feels after other relationship problems are resolved and she is in love with her husband and the husband learns to make love in a way she enjoys rather than telling them "no sex."

In this specific case, there is no reason to take the drastic step of quitting her job before the simpler solutions have been tried first. Especially because it puts her at serious risk if her husband is not fully committed to having a good marriage.

You need to listen to the radio show I linked to, and you might want to send Dr. Harley another email. I believe you've incorrectly taken "do nothing" as a permanent solution instead of continuing to look for alternatives.

In general, when a spouse is not enthusiastic about doing nothing, negotiation is not over. There are very few exceptions.

I agree and I think that's a good idea, email Dr. Harley.

Yes, I did.

Thanks, Marcos. I understand.

You are seeing POJA as either "his way" or "her way."
That simply will not work, because one spouse will be left unhappy.
One spouse not being enthusiastic is only the first step. You do not stop there because the spouse who isn't getting what she wants is not going to be happy. The couple must continue to negotiate to find a solution that BOTH spouses will be happy with.

You do not stop at the "do nothing" default of POJA. You continue to brainstorm and come up with a solution that you can both be happy about. It's not "his way" or "her way" but rather "our way."

There are more solutions than just she either keeps making more than him OR she has to quit. Many, many options. They must look at those and decide which ones will make them happy.

But FIRST, they must learn how to negotiate. And Dr. Harley seems to think that once they learn how to negotiate, some problems such as this one may just disappear.

In negotiation, must the unenthusiastic spouse move off his/her position?

EX. I don't want the dogs in the house. They are either in or out, there's no middle ground. I am left unhappy.

EX. I don't want you to make more money than me. There's no middle ground there.

EX. I don't like that particular sex act. No middle ground.

I understand, that the other spouse can bring ideas. Ok, what can we do to help you be ok with (less money, or dogs in the house, etc....) But, there is a moment at which negotiation stops. And one spouse will need to give up what they want because it hurts their spouse.

This has been how H and I have negotiated. If we can't come up with a third win/win option. We don't ask the other to gain at our expense. I don't insist on the dogs in the house, just because that would make me happy. I choose to release that, so I don't hurt my husband.

There is no way, under no circumstances is there a way for my H to be enthusiastic about dogs in the house.

I'm not talking about doing nothing. I'm talking about not doing something that bothers your spouse.

I understand that a couple should look for ways of helping the unenthusiastic spouse become enthusiastic. A+B+C=enthusiastic. But, what if there's just no way?

You need to be more specific about the issue involved and take this out of hypotheticals.

Suppose we're talking about me having a relationship with a woman at work. Even though I might be unhappy for awhile that the POJA rules out me having such a relationship, Prisca and I shouldn't negotiate the issue. The reason is not because "there's just no way" Prisca will ever be happy about it. The reason is that having this would be totally damaging to our marriage. The only reasonable alternative for us to negotiate is my having a better relationship with Prisca, not a relationship with a second woman.

But suppose we're talking about bringing pets in the house. Since you're not enthusiastic about doing nothing, you should keep negotiating. You are obviously very bitter and resentful about the solution that you have now (do nothing; leave the pets outside of the house), and so negotiation should keep going on. Write Dr. Harley and ask him what to do next.

Also, is your husband following the rest of the program with you? Never demanding, angry, or disrespectful? Never engages in independent behavior? Totally honest and transparent? Spends fifteen wonderful exciting enjoyable hours a week with you outside of the house alone together having a wonderful time?

The problem is that when your husband is not on board with giving you consistent and wonderful UA time, there is no way for him to make this up to you.

Giving you his undivided attention for fifteen hours a week with great conversation while having a lot of fun together = BIG, BIG love bank deposits
Having the dog in the house = little love bank deposits

The way to fix this is to get him to concentrate his effort where it will make the most difference.

Find an alternative that makes you just as happy as having dogs in the house. Do something else that you really, really like and that he also really, really likes. Something completely different..


Find an alternative that makes him just as happy as making more money than her. Something that he really, really likes and that she also really, really likes.


We see this one here all the time. The "no middle ground" sentence doesn't belong there, because there's no need to find "middle ground." The solution is not to find middle ground but to find an alternative sex act that he really enjoys and that she also really enjoys.

Thinking outside of the box means quit making it be about the dog or about money or about one particular sex act and look for something that makes you both really, really happy.

What did you think about it? Did you get the answer to your questions?

Did your husband listen with you?

'Middle ground' implies there are only two options and there is obviously only an unhappy compromise in the centre of two fixed options.

PoJA is about recognizing the other hundred options...

Get a kennel for the dogs, get rid of the dogs, have a room inside for the dogs, bathe the dogs before allowing them in, have them in for a set period before a clean up of the house....

There's also other techniques in reaching a PoJA solution including respectful persuasion and trying something you don't like for a short period in case you do like it.

Thank you for your patience. I understand your examples.

We discussed all of this on my thread before (pgs 22-28). They read our email on the show about the pets. Dr. Harley said, the default was no pet ownership at all. Get rid of the pets. H and I agreed that the pets could be in the house when he wasn't home. He has changed his mind to never allowing the border collies in the house at all.

I'm not bitter or resentful. Just not enthusiastic.

H is doing a good job. 95% of lovebusters gone. We just started scheduling UA last week. Enjoyable? Yes. Wonderful? Yes. Exciting? No.

No, he didn't listen with me. I listened to these again this morning.

Their main issue was the H seeing magazines, the wife didn't want him seeing. They stopped the subscriptions to the house, but the wife was still concerned about H seeing mags at the barber shop.

I don't know why it's taken them a year. If there are no mags coming to the house, the H should be able to get the mail.

But, I think H should agree to not look at mags at the barber shop because it bothers his wife.

I understand that once all his lovebusters are gone and they can poja smaller things, he won't feel like it's a lose for him.

Thank you Indie. We usually do everything you listed above. But, on the "dog issue", it's a no. We have found no way he would be enthusiastic about them being in the house.

We had a similar issue with my high school reunion (also previously discussed). I didn't go because he couldn't go with me. And he didn't want me going alone.

I guess the take-away is....

All negotiation is pleasant and safe.
Bring conflict to the table.
State your position.
Ask spouse "What would make you enthusiastic about it?"
Keep ideas coming.
If spouse is still not enthusiastic, table it....Do nothing that bothers spouse.
Have good UA and be so in love, you don't miss the thing that bothers your spouse.