Ok - abusive men do know exactly what to say to you. Remember- it's just words!!!!!!
He still hasn't done any actions!!!!!

Yes, Dr. Harley tells us we become addicted to our special someone. You are in danger.

This is why it is imperative You stop talking to him. It only makes you feel confused. You have to go cold turkey. Who cares what he will think- just do it!!!! He isn't there & won't be in your life.

Please tell your family & friends what he has been doing. Hearing their reactions will help & it will give you support!!!!
Please talk to a lawyer. It's for knowledge- how can you do things to help if you don't even know what to do/not to do??

Your son didn't ask for this - trust me when I say that you BF is the prime candidate to harming your child one way or another. You need to at least save him if you can't save yourself. (My ex was also abused as a child- got into crazy sex & it only gets worse and worse- and forget the religious stuff, I met my ex while he was in seminary to be a pastor ... You actually have to APPLY it to your life or it's again- just words!!!!)

Do not even think of going home. Tell him to ship your stuff to your dads house if he needs it gone but don't set foot near him, talk to him, be close to him until their is a court case as he could just take off with your son. Then trust me, he won't feel guilty about never talking to you again!! And he will have your son.
*I can't say for sure that he would do that- but my step sister had it happen to her & this guy isn't trustworthy AT ALL - which means you need to figure worst case & what has he done in the past? *

Go change your phone number as soon as possible. Stay off Facebook. Change your email address & start over. In just a matter of days you will feel better.
Start imagining your life without him, what do You want to do... Places to visit, how do you want to be treated?

Thank you.

So what are you going to do? Are you going to take control of your life and your son's life?

Please listen to Elaina, honey. This "man" will destroy your life if you keep allowing him in. You need to cut off contact immediately. He is dangerous and will only hurt your son and you.

Idk yet exactly... I spoke with my father about canceling my flight and he kept saying that I was always welcome to stay here, but he kept on about how " it's not that easy, you can't just run away, you have bills and a child together"....only enforcing my denial and guilt towards leaving the man. My parents began to argue and I began to feel neglected and abandoned again. My father noticed I was upset and I explained to him why I can not risk any more of my mental health on this man. I explained to him how my childhood had effected me and that I felt like he was abandoning me. My parents are still in denial that my childhood was "that bad",,,, I guess in comparison to their own, it seems good. My father comforted me and welcomed me to stay; that if I feel "unsafe" that I should not go back; but he has it in his head that a family should do whatever it takes to stay together, because that's what he did for his. The problem for me is, that I never feel like my thoughts are justified; that i MUST be wrong. That is why I've been needing so much reassurance. I never feel like I have enough reason to leave. But I asked my dad to cancel my flight, and I hope to have the courage to contact the low income lawyer that I got approved for, as well as contact a therapist and a women's shelter first thing Monday morning. I have a terrible time following through with unfamiliar social situations.

YOU ARE NOT A FAMILY WITH THAT MAN. PERIOD. So tell your father to stop saying bits about a family. Your "boyfriend" is not your family, you are not married, period. Your child is your family. You are doing the right thing by staying the hell away from that abusive loser that is just going to teach your son to do the same thing to women.

Thank you. I think I have finally reached through to my father, and I did reiterate to him that the man never made me his wife! My mother also reminded him that she could have left him when he was treating her badly (If she had a safe place to go) and that my father would have not forced her to come to him, but that he would do what he needed to do to see his children--- apparently my dad hadn't thought of it that way. But my father wasn't a danger to us, so the situation here is more extreme.. Thank you for continuing to support me although it probably seems redundant and hopeless. You have no idea how much it means to me; this has been my refuge and my sanity.

PW, it is great that you have this realization. What it means is that you have been driven by your emotions in the past. That has been a disaster for you. Now you are starting to use logic and reason in making decisions about your life. You just have to keep reminding yourself of what makes SENSE for your life and continue to ignore your emotions which are screaming for the familiar. Decide what is right for you and your child and follow through.

You are on the right path. You have to just stick to it. You are doing great!

That's exactly why abused women stay. Untill they conclude after 18 years that the children either have become like their father or have been suffering for all those years themselves. Either way urging staying for those reasons is the single most dumb thing I can imagine. This psychologist should turn of his whishful thinking and pull his head out of the sand. Sometimes you have to face difficult decisions and stop living in lalaland.

People here are right. He is not your family. If he had done what it takes to stay together you would not be in this predicament. He has done nothing but talk and manipulation. He has sucked you dry. And you have tried to do whatever it took to stay with him. He could have done what it takes for 10 years and he has never stepped up to the plate.

Sometimes you should just cut your losses. As hard as it is. But the only thing that is worse than staying with the wrong person fot ten years, is staying with the wrong person for ten years and 1 day.

The longer you try to soften this blow, the longer it will take to start living the life you and your child are supposed to have. The longer you give in to his manipulation, the longer it will take to find yourself again. You will notice that you don't even know anymore what you want and what you are, because your life has been revolving around the overwhelming needs of someone who has been utterly uncaring to you and your needs.

Him telling you he has found God all of a sudden is just throwing you another bone in the hopes that will do you in again and manipulate you into doing what he wants. As you have noticed, this drama queen always comes up with outrageous stories once you have enough of his bad behaviour. Instead of cleaning up his act, he invents sad stories of how it is really not his fault. I would be highly surprised if he had been molested in his life at all. And even if that is still no excuse.

Once again. Just make the call to the airport and cancel that flight. Every minute it is not canceled, it will be like a stone tied to your neck, dragging you down. Just make the decision and dial the number. You don't want the rest of your life to be miserable just because you did not cancel your flight. If you had already canceled it, your would not be wavering about going to this non-worthy person this weekend.
And stop taking his calls. Look for an IM.

You will need at least a few weeks of no contact to get a clear head.

I think it is very likely that he would try to take custody from you if you came back. For that would be the ultimate chain that would tie you him to cater to his whims forever.

If your dog escapes and you get it back, you make the fence higher. Your first escape lasted half a year and he got you back. Last time you said you would not put up with it any more he waffled something about abuse, hollered and whined and made a scene about shooting himself.
Now he is slowly turning up the pressure to get you to go back to square 1. You are far away and promises and making you feel guilty are his weapons.
Beware, if you should ever cave in and go back, you will experience that he will do even more dangerous and cruel things to make you do as he pleases. That may or may not involve using your child as a pawn in his little game of chess.

The best thing would be to not pick up the phone yourself and tell your parents to brush him off.

You are on the right path. Keep walking it. A few months down the road, when you haven't seen him or talked to him for awhile, you will feel much better and wonder why you didn't leave sooner.

It really is an amazing and empowering thing when the abused takes back control over her own life. You are going to feel so much better.

Pleasewearmyshoes, it is Monday morning..... thought it might help to know folks will be praying for you all day.

You can do this!

Yes! What buildsherhouse said!! Praying for you today. Its a new day and a new week, make this week the beginning of the rest of your life!

I�ve been in your shoes in many ways� although not quite; I understand many of your feelings. Here are some concepts that will help you while you recover alone or if you ever for some reason get back with him (I�m not telling you to, that is only an IF), he should also know those concepts and choose to apply ALL of them to change, even those positive mental work I am describing below, else, you will tend to fall back into the same situation.
1)Concentrate on basics: Eat healthy, exercise, and sleep well.
2)Learn what a healthy relationship is. Identify ALL the aspects at why your relationship wasn�t healthy. Understand your role in keeping healthy. Identify his role in keeping it healthy. Have a CLEAR goal of how to keep it healthy.
3)Read and familiarize with HNHN. Go a bit deeper in the love busters� concepts. You will be surprised at what you can discover. Actually, the sites have overview of the concepts, and the first chapter of each book is on-line for you to read. Now, I will emphasize again, have it CLEAR in your mind, else, won�t do. If you don't use it with your "current love" as you describe, you need that info for your next relationship.
4) Dr. Harley in one of his radio shows talked about mindful meditation. Someone on the forum linked that show to me. There is a calm feeling after you practice it, you feel focused and have clear thinking. My husband is practicing for anger and alleviating resentment, and I am for overcoming some downs I have. It is great. My husband started identifying several of his wrongs after practicing that. Mindful meditation helps you see things you can�t under stress, anxiety, sadness, anger, etc, and it feels good afterwards. Do it.
5)Positive actions help your mental state� I did that one when I was really down, works extremely well. Identify your positive traits, be thankful with people around, initiate a happy journal recording good things that are happening to you, meditation again with positive thoughts, write out a paragraph of what you would like you grandson to say about you after you passed out in a memory ceremony on your behalf. What would you like him to say as of how you contributed as a positive human future?
6) Open up a �prosperity box�. Think of a place that needs help, and visualize you getting that help for them, reach out and send them your positive energy. Put in the money in the box everyday afterwards. Doesn�t have to be much. At the end of the month or up to when you decide, take that money and complete that visualization.
7) Pray every night.
8) You have a baby. I have a 2 and a 3 year old. One thing I am learning is that it is easier for two moms to take care of 2 babies that one mom on one baby� and additional social plus for babies, they like other babies. So, find good positive mommy friends. I just started this one� although since I am doing it with my husband, in my case, I looked for couples with children�s our age. I am insecure too, and not social, so it is hard to start talking with people, I understand that one, but I did it recently, and was good. Try it, go out to library baby time or another place you'll find a good mommy as a friend.
9) Attend your baby�s emotional and developmental needs first. Read to your baby everyday. He/she is developing language. Play with your baby, rub your baby, and learn how to contribute to their development. I was a really bad mom. I practically abandoned my kids as I was sunk down deep, so don�t do that. As you are doing here, go on and join a mommy�s forum. I have learned so much in such a short while of my kid�s needs.

If I think of anything else that has helped me I'll post it.

Abuse happens gradually, increments gradually� neither of the participants usually sees. I just learned this one, why sometimes you can�t see, and you are wrapped around as in a bubble...

When you put a frog on boiling water, it will try to jump out immediately. If you put a frog in cold water, he will swim. If you gradually heat up the cold water so slowly, the frog will not notice, and he will boil to death.

My husband totally manipulated and controlled me and I couldn't see before. He didn't see before� because my brain was already boiled, I would settle for little, it was hard to see� and this forum helps you see things, so don�t lose contact.

Try to see things as if it weren't you, describe it again as if it weren't you, and you will be able to see outside the bubble.

Thank you for your time and consideration. It helps to know that I am not alone. I read the beginnings of your post recently and found myself confused as to why MB was encouraging you to work it out and encouraging me to run. But then I recalled the eventual differences. I am still struggling with the concept that my "family" is not a family, however. I feel like in today's messed up/ confused society, that my generation does not understand proper self respect nor the importance of marriage. when I was 15, I felt pressured to have sex because all of my friends and most of my peers (class of 500+ students) had already had sex and I felt behind and ashamed. That I wasn't worth sex... Messed up values/ priorities right?! Not to mention I was desperate to feel loved and needed and I thought that would get me it.. HA! Wow was I niave! ALOT of that on my part has to do with the fact that I wasn't raised with church nor explained these values. I rushed into the first relationship that was offered to me, although I waited 4 months to have sex with this man, and 8 months to move in with him... That was obviously the wrong thing to do. Not too mention I was only 17.... Not mature enough to understand what I was doing really.. But anyways, yes the 7 years it took for this man to propose to me WAS a lack of commitment and not a family. But when he proposed to me (even though I said yes only to please his him), I do believe he was genuine and he became very upset with me because I would not help him proceed with wedding planning... I kept putting it off for "financial concerns"... Which I knew was a lie. But Im starting to think that the proposal, push to marry and push to have a baby we're all his way of controlling me and keeping me around, why else would he purpose 2 months after I cheated on him?! I've finally made the separation "official" between us. He has stopped manipilating me, has apologized and understood all the pain that he has caused me and understands why I have left and taken our son... and all that he asks is that I let him see the baby soon because he does not have any allowable time off work and he is not in any position to move any closer any time soon so he wants to see the baby and say goodbye before he doesn't see him for an unknown lengthy duration of time. He swears up and down that he will not take our son, because he knows that if he ruins this chance with him that he will never see him again--- not to mention he knows that going to prison for kidnapping would only enforce that.. He promises to visit with Apollo on my own terms, whether than means I supervise or that he brings him home to me every night .. Then, after I gather my things and have the vehicle signed over he promises to not interfere in any way when the baby and I leave. He knows that it is up to him to see his son in the future. He really has changed, I've known this man for a decade and he has never behaved so calmy nor spoke so softly. And his face trembled with pain when I cried and when I let him Skype with his son. I do truly believe his words to be genuine and sincere. He says that he can't explain what has changed in him or how. and that he knows that I can not and will not trust him. He divulged every detail of his childhood trauma to his mother for the first time, and has asked Jesus to save him and has just attended church for the first time since his father died. It may sound crazy and naive to you all, but I prayed for him the night before and he thinks that's what must have brought him to his knees... He says he has found some peace for the first time by releasing control and allowing God to work. He knows that I am in control, and that I should be. He blames me for nothing. He is currently getting promoted to a new position at work and then will look into transfering with his company to be only 8 hours away. But this will all take time and he understands that it's up to him to change his life and do what he has to, to be with his son. He understands that he has lost me and that he will have to cope with that, but all he asks is that I allow his father to know his son. He also knows that he has to change a lot before I can trust him with our son. I plan on speaking with my father about making a trip back with me and my son for one last visit and to gather our things. But I will not go without my father nor will I not go without legal preparations.... Which I still haven't followed up with I had a rough morning with my son and am still having a hard time initiating the call. I know I have broken all of the rules about not communicating nor keeping my son from him; but I truly believe that we are not in immediate danger, especially if I set up protective preparations. Though I am firm on the separation and firm that my son remains with me until/if he has shown in time that he can be trusted to properly care for my child, as well as himself. He asks that I allow our son to remain on his insurance so that he does not go uninsured, and so that down the road he can explain to his son that "although I regrettably didn't treat your mother right, that I was still there for you". I think that's fair; and he promises not to use that against me in any manner. I am still going to follow through with custody, because I know that I can not trust this man to remain stable, If he truly is. This whole thing Is tremendously hurtful for me, I am trying so hard. But I do not feel like lack of communication is necessary nor fair in this situation. I have to grow up and be strong enough to stand my ground and not fall for my emotions. I am trying to transfer with my job, and i WILL call that lawyer, see a therapist, attend a dance fitness class, attend church, make friends, go back to school, continue to coach my sister in her sport, and become an INDIVIDUAL for once. I am actually really excited about that part. I am also enrolled in an online workshop for love addiction which right now is having me develop a vision for the future I REALLY want. And I will begin The Bible study app that my EX (wow I've never used that word before) recommended. Thank you all for all your guidance and support and love. I am excited for my life and for my future for the first time please don't give up on me

Which mommy forum do you recommend?

Hey,
Before you even think of letting him see your son- you need to have a divorce paper at least in the system.... It is your ONLY guarantee. Why you are still listening to him us beyond me- he knows when to are you think he is nice.

My step sister: she showed up to let her "poor boyfriend" see their son. As soon as he walked in, he grabbed him, his baby bag & took off.

She called the cops who said if their is no paperwork- it's not a crime, and did nothing.(it is not kidnap fir a parent to be with a child at anytime unless a court of law says differently)

He went across the country & filed for state assistance. They filed something in their newspaper (which she did not see) and when their was no response- he won custody by default & the fact he had the baby.

She only finally found out where he was as the state came after her for child support. In order to fight of do anything, it has to be in that county & in that state. (She was in OK, & he fled to CA) talk about tons of money spent on lawyers (that she didn't have) and having to show up in court there.

Only to be told it was a he said/ she said argument that he stole the baby - and he was awarded custody again (as the baby had been living with him for some time).

Do not kept this happen- it is so much easier to talk to a lawyer and get initial papers drawn!!! Do not see him- let your dad be the go between.

Write a plan B letter & let him go. Plan B is for you & will not in the future stop him from being a father. Seeing him or talking to him is not necessary after a break up.

That's it! Hang in there and I will keep praying for you

Ok. Thank you