ugh On the bright side I've lost 15 pounds!! Now I'm 5'3.5", kinda cute, pretty smart, sexually adventurous...there's gotta be someone else out there for me right? I haven't had sex with anyone else in over 30 years. It's kinda scary. Wish I had a bit of WH...nah never mind

AandA,

I should also add, sorry you have to go through with this, but it's also good that you are fixing this before you get too old.

That was not the case for my MIL who put up with my FIL for decades, OW and OC, with the last bit of financial cheating tooking place when my FIL was in his late 70's.

God Bless
Gamma

You've done enough by telling the BH of the "real" affair woman. You cannot hope to track down AMs, ONSs and prostitutes, and neither should you being turning your mind to that when what you need to do is get this man out of your life.

Does your H know you have started divorce proceedings? Have you told him to move out?

Who else in both families have you exposed to?

What exactly did you tell the kids? Did you tell them that this involved AM, prostitutes and a long-term affair? Did you tell them the numbers involved? How are they reacting towards him?

No, never mind indeed. I realise you are joking but this is in rather bad taste, given what you are facing now. The time for you to be "sexually adventurous" is AFTER you are fully divorced. Right now, stick to discussing how to get your WH out of your life.

SugarCane: We told the kids when he went to rehab but I'm sure they heard me screaming the night I found his secret email with all the info it was halloween and I'm sure they were all hopped up on sugar. They dont know the details though. I hope not!! Both our immed family knows (either I or him told them). Yes he knows because he had to give me all the financial stuff (retirement, life ins....). I told him it would be best if he didn't sleep here but I know legally he can.

Re the sex thing: I know but the whole thing is WAY SCARY. He's my HS sweetheart. Both our families are on the other coast so only friends and phone support. : (

This is not a systematic exposure, done by you, the way we advise it to be done on this forum.

Both families should have been told the broad outline - the AMs, prostitutes and long-term affair - by YOU. You cannot trust your H to have told the story honestly. This is important, because you need them to give you and the children support.

The children should be told the same broad outline. You should not rely on the fact that they heard you screaming at him. That is not explaining things properly and calmly to the kids, which is what you must do. They must not be left to piece things together by themselves. That leads to confusion and doubts in their minds.

We are going to urge you to follow Dr Harley's advice properly this time. It doesn't look as if you were kept on his straight and narrow path when you posted here first in 2010.

Did Steve Harley urge you to expose the affairs when you coached him with? Did he make your H change his lifestyle and spend all nights with you? Your H could not have changed his lifestyle and become transparent if he was able to maintain a secret second life on such an epic scale.

That is an aside. The key thing is that you expose this affair properly to the kids, and both families, with details, and that you demand that your H leaves the house today. Do not tell him "it would be best if he did not sleep here". Put him out, with his cooperation or without it.

I don't remember but I don't think I did a proper exposure all those years ago. I have triplet boys and one is special needs and he and another boy were going thru serious problems at school at that time, we had a teen daughter who was getting in a bit of trouble (she is now a stellar JR at Boston Univ) and WH was traveling all over the world and I was trying to work PT so I was probably overwhelmed. I will take care of the boys re: broad picture later tonight and both families tomorrow.

Dr. H never even mentioned the affairs as far as I can remember, I think we focused on getting him back and getting us to enjoy each others company but NO my WH definitely did not believe in Dr. H's "changes" in fact he feels very strongly that Dr. H is wrong in many ways.

I still can't make him not stay here without calling the police and I would still lose because he is legally allowed to live here. Maybe he won't want to and has somewhere else to stay. He said he is working late.

1. Have you tried asking him to leave?

2. Given your husband's lies and secret accounts, and especially that he has already taken measures to protect himself, has your lawyer recommended a forensic accountant? Is he self-employed or or an employee? Make sure you get an accurate accounting of the value of any businesses.

yes apples123 I can see how he has always taken measures to protect himself. Yes my lawyer has told me we will probably need a forensic account to make sure he isn't hiding any MORE money (he had a secret acct that he funneled $ into). His employment contract (law partner) is strange and set up by the main lawyer/partner who went through a historical divorce trial so I imagine they have it set up so that the main partners are always protected. He is not an equity partner so as I understand he has no legal ownership in the firm (I imagine they considered his first infidelity years ago with his admin asst who threatened sexual harassment if she was fired, a clue to his future - she set herself up with a tenured job and we moved across the country).

Dont seek self value from sex.
A lot of betrayed spouses do and it only mAkes things worse.

You should expose to your sonst, so that they know what to avoid in the Future. They can only avoid these mistakes if they know what was really going on. That's how Dr. Harley learned to become the first man in his entire family history not to cheat.

Done!

How did your children take it? Do they know about all his infidelities?

I told them and they all were quiet had nothing to say. I think it has really upset the one that does the most together with his dad. I started bawling and another one gave me a hug.