Any developments, billman?

I've also been thinking about your situation, billman. Hope you are staying upbeat with your Plan A.

I don't know where to begin. It's been a long road since this forum. I apologize greatly for my ...disappearance.

Here's the roughest nutshell I can give, I will elaborate as needed.

I believe the last real situation I had posted on here was when she broke up with OM and went back out with him. My heart broke all over again as a result of that. And it tore me up. Thankfully in a silent way and not in a destructive or suicidal way.

I stopped talking to her, No responses, no texts, email no anything, no replies to anything she sent - which was limited anyway.

I fell into such an emotional abyss, I missed talking to our children on Christmas. a few days after I said I wanted to see our children, it had been nearly 2 weeks. She said no. "If I cannot be in their life the right way, I cannot be in their lives at all." was her text reply.

From that point I stopped texting and switched to email only. I did not reply and I did not argue in any way. It was nearly a month longer (about 3 weeks ago now) that I saw them again, after she out of nowhere decided to let them visit again.

From what I have gathered from our children (they volunteer and I do not stay on adult topics) the OM has been introduced into their lives and he sees them more than I. This makes me angry and sick to my stomach. But I still have said nothing to her - to save the argument.

We had mediation on Friday Feb 13th, and I left after signing the papers and basically told her "When you end your affair, then we can talk, until then I'll see you in court." I have a lawyer and counter-filing custody/visitation/support. My goal is to get the court order against me being in my home squashed and move back in, keeping our children with me and she can move out or end the affair.

She ha apparently made plans to move closer to OM, about 10 miles south, which will take our kids to a different school and new friends - I do not believe this is in their best interests - thus my hope to get back home.

I have no plan to file for divorce, I am still waiting for her to wake up, but I am not doing anything to control the situation. She constantly texts me, well after I requested that all contact be via email - for documentation, of which I have proof that she willfully denied me our children, that the OM has been introduced, she has bad-mouthed me to our children, and that she does not believe she is doing anything wrong by having the relationship - that it is not an affair.

I do not want to fight my wife, the lawyer said then don't - defend your children - and this is what I have been working on for over a month. As of today I know very little of her actions, plans, or goings-on. I do not ask our kids any information and starting to see the effects of her choices in each of them, and heart broken that I cannot prevent it.

My oldest is at a point she feels she needs to make a choice and that is something she should never have been faced with - any of them.

I have often wondered whether my no contact - limited, i reply via email Only in regard to our children - nothing more; actually hurts my chances for fear she might try to reach out. But I believe that if she is going to reach out for real - it will be obvious to me; and as much as I would love to speak to her - I need to protect my emotions, so I just do not.

I also wrote her a letter - first since end of November. In fact it was just mailed today. I'll post that next.

Dear Misty

There have been many changes in our lives. Some we have handled well, and some not as well.

This most recent one had put me in a state of mind far beyond anything I thought I would ever go

through.

Ten years ago, I'd like to think that we were both likely happy and tried to keep that in our marriage. I

believe we tried many times to make that happen. I think I understand the elements during our

marriage that did not provide you with the happiness you ultimately wanted, and how my

contentment needed me to go above and beyond the role I promised you. Although I always

intended to provide our family the happiness I promised you, our marriage veered off that road far

too many times.

I have apologized for my mistakes and justifications, and will continue to do so in my actions from

this day forward. I will live my life proving that I am better than the person I was. I have found the

potential to be the father I dreamed to be. With renewed determination I believe I can become the

husband you deserved me to be and that I promised I would be. I wasn't those things to you, and I

am sorry.

I have had an awakening and from each day forward I will strive to be that man. As much as I want

to do this for you as you rightly deserve, I am doing it for our children; and for myself. I know what I

want in life, just as I always have. The difference is that I am developing the confidence now to travel

on that journey.

You were my heart and soul and in all honesty you still are. You are my wife, and I have always

chosen you above all else, though it might not have seemed that way. You have always been the

one for me. A small part of me has died for I was not that for you.

I have found that I believe in God, and I think I always have. Even when I showed Him anger,

although wrong, it was still faith. I have prayed for strength to stand and strength to survive. He has

shown me hope, patience, and helped me find an appreciation for what I do have, and not

resentment for what I do not.

I still stand for this family and marriage we promised each other. God heard me, and although

broken and in pain, the part of my heart that belongs to you still beats strong. I am learning to pick

up each piece and mend what will become an even stronger heart.

This pain is powerful, and it nearly destroyed me. I am starting to see its effects on our children, and

the pain they feel might be just as great. Everything I will do for the rest of my life will be for their

benefit. I hope and pray that one day my being your husband will mean something better to you.

This family is far more worth saving than anything else in this entire world. I have always believed

this and I still do --with all my heart and soul.

I LopOVopE YopOU

Billy B.

The purpose of the letter was for 3 reasons.

1. I am still standing for our family and marriage, and that changes are made and in process.

2. a sort of prep for my plans in court (of which she is unaware - including that I have a lawyer) that I am doing this for our children, not against her.

3. To let her know in some way (with some semblance of hope that if she was reaching out) I have not given up.

@SugarCane

Her work received the letter and they "talked" to her.

Her mother passed away in December and she wanted to talk to me, this was one exception to my avoiding contact. I knew I needed to still be there for her in some way as much as it hurt. During that conversation she asked me why I sent the letter to her work, and if I knew she could have been fired.

I said "I sent it because I want your affair to end, and they needed to know. And if you were to be fired, it was not my concern."

She said and what about the kids. I said I would happily take care of them, they are our children. Then she changed it back to her mother. That was the last we spoke on the phone.

Billman,

I just wanted to say that I think your answers to her about exposing to her workplace were excellent. I also thought your letter was very good and I just want to encourage you. The letter is huge progress from some of the other writings you had posted months back.

I know myself how hard it is to let go of the anger and righteous indignation a wayward spouse brings on, and to be honest I don't know if I would have done as well as you did on that phone call. It sounds like the holidays have been rough, and I can't imagine being separated from children the way you are.

I'm praying for you and your situation. Keep up the good work here. You're doing great.

Sir do you have any intention of following Dr. Harleys methods or are you just going to continue following your own plan?

Thank you. It has been tempting with the anger that comes and goes to yell at her and make her feel like crap for what she's done. But I don't want to be angry at her, I want to forgive her and love her. But I know that she would not accept that right now so I do all I can to respond simple answers.

She has tried on several occasions to reach out - for reasons I do not know, but I fight to stay strong to me direction. I still wonder sometimes why she asks me when there are so many that could answer the question. i wonder if that is her reaching out, but as I said, if it is a wonder and not obvious, then it isn't what I am waiting/hoping for.

My hope with the lawyer and court is to get back into my home and keep our children in the "Forever Home" we promised them. And of course a multitude of other reasons. One hope, but certainly not the intended goal or reason - maybe her living the reality that I have (the possibility of losing everything) is what she needs to see actual reality. For a judge to "agree" that what she is doing (affair/adultery, introducing the children to OM, and denying them visiting me) might be a good start to a possible wake up call.

@Jedi_Knight
I don't know Jedi. I really am not following a plan. I wanted to plan A for as long as I could hold out. But I got really lost after that last incident. I think I felt worse then when it first happened. I shut out everyone, including my mother and I live with her.

I am honestly on the fence to any "plan". I have learned to not trust my emotions as of now. I have learned that I cannot control any aspect of this situation other than myself, and to fight for our children's well being.

I also believe 100%, that until her affair dies a natural death, I have 0% standing in any way for reconciliation.

I may not be in a Plan, but I have not been rude, mean, angry, or in any way negative toward her or our children - and never will be again (as in the past).

I have no objection to moving forward in a different direction, but I cannot believe that any plan is absolute and that every relationship is different. As many have said I know my wife better than anyone, and yet I don't know her at all.

I am open to whatever you suggest.

I suggest you follow Dr Harleys program

I don't think your plan is too far from a distant Plan A as some of the veterans here have explained it to me, at least. I think as long as you are giving her a positive Plan A type of interaction every time you guys have contact, it's not critical that you respond to every little text or email she sends you.

Sometimes there's no good response for the sort of messages you get from a wayward.

Your lack of a plan is a plan for failure.
I dont think any of us understand what you are doing. You say you are fighting for your kids, but what exactly are you doing. It doesnt take this long to get to court??

That's good but not really good enough. Unless you are able to offer positive interactions you are not in Plan A, but Plan C for confusion.

It does sound like you've gone past the ability to Plan A and it is time for Plan B. It gives both of you a chance to trial divorce (she goes without your support and you begin to heal) it also puts the affair under stress.



But your wife's personality is totally irrelevant!

The way to win her back is offering her positive interaction, followed by her missing those interactions. The way for you to heal is to draw a line under things when you start flagging.

Affairs are all the same, regardless of the personality involved. There is a distinct difference between a typical and an atypical wayward wife, a one time cheat and a serial cheater - but the same plans apply to them nevertheless.

Have you read this?
BSs..... Plan C is not a Plan

Yes I just read it. I will say that I am not in Plan A. The letter I just mailed might say otherwise - but to my defense if I have one - that is the first of anything of it's kind for over 2 months. I have literally only replied to her 2x via email for the past 2 months. One was "I would love and enjoy seeing our children on 'date'." and the other was "confirmed". That second one was a response to please confirm that you can take the kids on X date.

I will Plan B then. She is still in the affair, she is not showing any signs that anything is changing. And I do not want my heart to break again like it did last time.

I do not have an intermediary.

On another note. We live in VA, and she is planning a trip to NY with our daughters, and plans to leave our son behind. here is the email:

When I go to ny the girls are going Landon is staying with Hannah, would you like to keep him instead? Landon doesn't want to go with Hannah. We should be back Saturday evening, let me know either way. Thanks
We are leaving Thursday morning.

Hannah is the sitter. I have NO accommodations for my son here, but I don't want to say no.

I wrote a draft email and have not yet sent it, perhaps some advice. Also I fear the OM is going, but this is just a speculation, I really have no idea - but Certainly would not appreciate it.

I apologize, you did not supply me with proper notice of your intent, as such I have no means to accommodate our son. I do not give my consent for our children to leave state lines.

Sir you cannot be in plan B without an intermediary

I have no one in my family that will do it, and I do not know anyone willing. I have asked several and no wants to. If you have a suggestion, I would be glad to do it.

Do not send your draft email

Ok I will not send the email. I plan to call my lawyer in the morning and see what my options are.