No, I haven't heard back from them. The first time i emailed them I didn't know either. So if anyone hears it one, then let me know.

So my wife and I had another fight last night, because she had to meet a girl after work, that used to be an enabler of her workplace EA. She is the one that I believe originally inspired my wife to start texting him. After they met, she called me, and I asked if they talked about OM at all. She said no, and I said �Are you sure�? Well, this set her off, and she was mad at me the rest of the night. Whenever she gets mad like that, she starts taking jabs at me, and I became really triggered, and started bringing up things I should not have. I am tired of this cycle. Every day I think more and more about Divorce. I just want to be in a loving trusting relationship again.

The more I have thought about the Polygraph test the last week, the more I feel like this would help me a lot. She is unwilling to do it, but I am thinking of setting up an appointment for a PG exam, and also setting up an appointment with a Divorce attorney, and tell her that it is up to her which appointment I end up going to. If she refuses to come with me to the PG appointment then I will go and start the proceedings for Divorce. I just don�t want to live like this anymore.

RR,

Given what you said about the affair years ago, and the recent affair, both denied by your W, a polygraph is the minimum, confessions are often partial and only enough is given to get you to stop asking questions.

God Bless
Gamma

Whose fault is it that you brought up things you should not have? Who has the power to control this?

If you use the threat of divorce, you will lose your marriage. So don't waste any time discussing divorce with her. If you want a divorce, just see an attorney and start proceedings without any fuss, and go no contact with her ASAP.

I guess that is where I am not sure what to do. I have not threatened Divorce at all, but honestly if she is not willing to do this for me, then I am not sure how to proceed.

Should I just schedule the appointment, and give her the oppurtunity, and then if she doesn�t comply I should separate into a plan B type situation? I really don�t want a divorce. I just want to feel a sense of closure. I feel like there could be so much that I don�t know. I have learned over the last year of reading stories of others in my situaion, that what the WS tells you, and what actually happened are two completely different things. I want to know if she had sex with anyone other than me since we have been married. I just want the truth.

BTW, I was just having one of my bad days yesterday, so I sometimes say and do things that I don't really mean. My Grandma died last night, so it will be an emotional weekend for me.

Divorce (especially one where she comes along to the appointment!) doesn't bring closure. Closure is a pretty meaningless psychobabble term. Things are over when they are over.

I know tonnes of divorced people who are just as abused, if not more so by the wayward who keeps them on a backburner/target for potshots.

You can send her the divorce paperwork and end all contact with her but you need to decide what plan you're in.

Sorry, I see my misunderstanding about the appointment!

I see what you're trying to do with the ultimatum but it will just come off as a threat. Your appointment arrangements with a divorce lawyer really has nothing to do with her. Plus a divorce takes a looooong time. Your initial appointment is really neither here nor there. So it's not just a threat, but a silly one.

I would just say you really need the poly to feel safe enough to remain married to her and that she should think about it.

Then go and do the D appt if you want to. If she contacts you about the D paperwork she receives just say you'll happily end D proceedings if she has decided to follow a recovery plan.

If she says no or gets angry and waffles then just say it's her decision and she clearly needs to think about it some more.

This is only for Plan D though.

I really don�t want to ever go into plan D. I was just having a bad day yesterday. The other day I was just thinking about when I was a young 20 year old man, how much trust and love I had for my wife. Everything seemed so simple, and I had no fear of the future. I just want to feel that safety and security again. You don�t realize how important it is until it is gone.

I love my wife and kids so much. I don�t ever want to let them down. I am just so haunted by the past. I don�t want my wife to do this again in ten years and leave me.

I guess as mentioned, I need to make a personal decision. Even if the PG test said that my wife did indeed have a physical affair, I would still be willing to recover our marriage. So somehow I just need to commit to rebuilding from where we are now.

I think I will do as Indie mentioned, and tell her that I really need her to take the Poly for me to feel safe again, and that she should think about it. No ultimatum.

Yikes! Out of respect for you and your M, the EA friend needs to go. But my guess is, because your W rejects POJA, that this is not an option.

RR, your W isn't going to agree with the poly. She doesn't even consider your feelings with little things (like going out with a friend that supported her EA). She isn't going to do something "big" to put your mind at ease.

I agree with markos. I don't think you should threaten divorce.

I am sorry about your grandmother, but I don't think that's what triggered you. You started out this thread asking if we thought you had PTSD and through the course of our questioning you it was revealed that your W still engages in IB and SSL and that that's what is triggering these PTSD-like symptoms.

You (rightly so) become upset when she refuses to implement POJA to make decisions (such as refusing to leave her job, etc) and continues her OS interactions - with no promise to end this behavior. I think what you were actually triggered by was her going out with this friend who supported the EA. That would upset any BS.

My advice is a rehashing of the advice you have already gotten from SC and Prisca.

This is who you are married to, someone who rejects POJA and hasn't made any real commitment to protecting you. I think you need to (a) most importantly, dont engage in any lovebusters - AOs and DJ - pleading and badgering her into changing. Rather I think you need to accept this is who you are married to and perhaps be planning for a separation in the event that you cannot take it anymore.

No, you should not threaten your W with this. There is a small chance that separation will show your W how serious you are but I don't think you should separate with the hope in mind that she will change.

But the theme I have seen throughout this thread is that you are trying to "talk" your W into doing what you want. All that is going to do is push her away and further reject MB (yes, she does reject MB).

How well will you deal next time she sees the affair cheerleader?

There's no shame in it if it's time to bug out into a Plan B. Fights just put the lovebank into withdrawal.

But you were planning to do so. Dr. Harley advises to never threaten with divorce. Especially since you don't really want one to begin with.

You're not going to be able to force her to do this. Did you listen to the radio shows that were posted for you? I suggest you save them, and relisten to them over and over and over again.

If you go to Plan B, you will likely end up divorced.
That's okay if you want to get divorced.
But if you don't want to get divorced, then go back up and reread everything that's been posted to you (especially by Sugarcane).

You want the truth, but it really doesn't matter. You would be willing to recover with her even if the affair was physical.

I think you should drop the polygraph and buckle down for a long and hard Plan A for the sake of your kids.

Or get a divorce.

One or the other. But drop the polygraph. It's not going to get you what you really want.

You're wavering and struggling.....

She actually discussed this with me beforehand. The girl is leaving that job, and will not be returning to work, and asked my wife if she would get some stuff out of her work locker. I was fine with it.

I never should have asked if they talked about the OM, but what triggered me, is how mean and defensive my wife got because I asked. There shouldn�t really be a next time, but if there is, I need to just keep my mouth shut I guess.


I am not ready for a plan B. One thing that has been on my mind the last couple months, is for the last year, I have been doing an amazing plan A. I have become such a good husband. I help so much around the house, and I treat my wife like a queen, including very good foot and back massages because she likes them so much. I pretty much pamper her, and I really do enjoy it, but I feel like she takes me for granted� I have just come to a realization, that I don�t need her. I guess what I am saying, is that I know I would be just fine without her, so I am not afraid of divorce. It is not what I want, but I am also not afraid of it.

She should be the one that is working to please me, and keep me happy. She should be thankful that I was willing to work through this, and she should be willing to do whatever I need to heal. Instead, she comes across to me sometimes as being very selfish and un-caring. I certainly don't feel safe.

RR,

And I will give this advice to you, again.

Why not write into the radio show and TALK to Dr Harley yourself? It honestly baffles me when people are struggling with such a HUGE decision like separation/ Plan D without using this FREE resource?

I have personally spoken to Dr Harley many times about many different issues (one being whether going into Plan B was a good decision even though I knew that it was...I just wanted his reassurance) and I can honestly say EVERY time, even the times when I had a very good idea of what his advice would be, just chatting with him made me feel better.

Not an email with him reading the response on the air - but actually have a discussion with him.

I see that it would not be wise to threaten divorce.


I just want to know for myself if it was physical. Then from there it would be my decision to recover. The truth does matter to me. I want to know.

RR, this is a no brainer. She should not have gone out with a supporter of the EA. It DID trigger you and DID lead to a FIGHT about the OM.

I have absolutely NO IDEA why you would agree to such a thing when you are already describe yourself as having PTSD symptoms, being triggered etc, and the recovery is extremely rocky at best. Good grief!

What am I missing here??

Yes, you're right. I need to maybe reconsider going back on AD's

I would love to talk to him. I just don�t know how to go about doing that???